nursing school

that's where i've been at.

a pending move on april 19th. then i'll be in the big windy city. i'll be living away from my g/f. she'll stay in a town about 3 hours away from me. bittersweet because i missed the city so much. very exciting things always goes on in the city. i'll be starting nursing school in may. exciting.

It's been a while..

I have trouble trying to publish through the keyboard and seeing my own writings on screen. It seems to take the intimacy out of things. i think i will soon go back to writing in a personal journal.

things seem to be going smoothly with me . For the past 5 months, i took a Physiology & Anatomy class at the community college, and worked full time at the Mental Health Center. I got an A in the class, but won't be taking any classes anytime in the next year or so. I think i want to rest a bit before trying to think again about where i want to lead my life.

I'm still doing the soul searching, and I don't think my search is ever going to stop anytime. always thinking if i've made the right decisions... or whether i'm heading where i want to be 20 years from now.

my relationship with g/f has been well, we've had our arguments but i find that we love each other very much. we still live with each other, and find that we know how to tolerate each other better. right now i'm waiting for her to get out of the shower so we'll go grocery shopping, coffee shop to work on some paperwork, and then spending the evening together.

Most of our friends have moved outta town since they graduated, and my g/f and i find that we have to find hobbies to keep ourselves sane. Which brings me to my mention of the goal to lose weight. Our goal this summer is to lose 5 lbs or work on building some muscles. ..

love my g/f even more, part 1

cherish the moments that i get to have with my g/f. i love those
tender moments when i can look into her eyes and validate the feelings
i get from her. sometimes i feel as if our personalities are as
similar as night and day. other times i look at our lives and it's not
as opposite as i may make it seem. she loves me for who i am and i
love her for who she is. i love her for loving me, respecting me and
pampering me. i try to do the same for her.

my g/f and i started off as friends, freshmen year of high school,
it's been 8 years since then. we've only started dating these last 2
years. before that we were caught in a love triangle with between my
now current g/f who i will call Butt and another of my best friends
whom i will refer to as Lambchop. you see, my g/f was in love with
Lambchop, Butt was infatuated with lambchop and adored lambchop like
no other.

As freshmen in high school the three of us started off as friends who
identified as straight females.. haha, my that has now changed. I am
now dating Butt and Lambchop is in some fling with this other girl. So
now we are either lesbian, bisexual or just clueless. Someone on the
outside looking in would have never predicted the drama that would
ensue in the next 8 years of this friendship/relationship.

It was finally in college when Butt acknowledged to Lambchop that butt
had soo much feelings for lambchop. lambchops, the way i saw it, sort
of went along with the attention and love she received from Butt.
Lambchop failed to ever communicate to tell Butt that feelings could
never reciprocate..in retrospect Butt now feels as if she was used.
anyway, when it was sophomore year in high school that I saw this
ongoing relationship between my two best friends. i was hurt and
disappointed, feeling like a third wheel whenever i hung out and i
felt jealous. at first i didn't understand it, i assumed it was
because my two best friends are getting to know each other on a whole
other level that i could never understand.

i decided to leave them alone and find another group of friends to
hang out with. I left the friendship hurt and lost and my attitude
being very cold towards Butt and Lambchop. They didn't really care
much since there were in the moment with each other. I saw them every
now and then for the next couple months down the road whenever i saw
the two of them hugging cuddling and just being so close; i couldn't
help but notice an urge inside of me for Butt. Feelings of my jealousy
for Butt. I wanted Butt to look at me with those same loving eyes, i
wanted to love her be close to her. And i felt like i could love Butt
so much better than lambchop ever could. Lambchop enjoyed the
attention she was getting from Butt but only saw the relationship
between the two as just "friends with benefits." Butt wanted more than
just benefits. I saw the pain that Butt was going through. Lambchop
never came out of the closet. The relationship between Butt and
lambchop was very secret and behind closed doors, it was taking a toll
upon Butt because the feelings she gave to lambchop was ignored. It
hurt me to see Butt in this kind of pain and bind that she did not
know how to get herself out of. Butt was just hopelessly in love with
lambchops.

the holidays

I posted this the day before xmas, i don'tknow why it didn't show up,
therefore i am trying again. ...

the holidays

my g/f left for the city to spend the holidays with her family. one of
my guy friends will be coming to town to stay with me and spend xmas
with me. i'm glad i won't be spending xmas alone. my family are all
home together for the holidays and i'm not there to see them.
unfortunately being in the 'real' world does not grant you the
privilege of 1 month off for holidays nor the 3month summer vacation
most students get.

i worked on the overnight so i came home at 8a to go to sleep. woke up
at about 2p and spent most of rest of the day cleaning up, fixing
things around the apartment. i cleaned extra hard since there wasn't
much else better to do to keep me active. i was also proud of myself
to be able to use everyday products to do a very thorough job.
products like baking soda and vinegar works very well. Add a little
bit of dishwash liquid and washing soda and you've got homemade
cleaning products. i'm also starting to make my own homemade laundry
detergent. i would imagine that it's going to be fun to make and cost
efficient to use.

i also made some hummus today. yummy. yesterday when i went grocery
shopping i bought some tahini and so i added that to my hummus. yummy
i love hummus, it's so healthy for you and low in fat. high in protein
and high fiber. and even more healthy when you can eat it with a whole
wheat pita bread or whole wheat bread. i added honey to the hummus and
i think it came out a bit too sweet though.

i wanted to stay away from the television today and i managed to do
that. This morning a long time friend of mine called to say that he
was throwing a 'winter solstice' bbq party tonight at 10p after work.
so i guess that's going to be part of my plans for tonight. i'm a
little bit of a social awkward person i don't talk much when it comes
to being in big crowds that i don't know much. plus his friends are
different from the ones that i usually hang out with. it's that thing
where crowds of friends are different--your sport buddies to your
shopping buddies kind of difference. at least that's how i see it.

this college town is pretty much dead since most students go home for
the holidays. so this little party/get together would give me some
social contact at least.

i am surprised that 3 out of every 5 of my neighbors are still here
instead of going home. i pass by their windows when i go by to go work
or throw out the garbage. lights on means somebody is home.

i'm going to try and make it a goal to write a lot more often. today's
entry didn't have much of a topic, and i do apologize for sending you
through such a slow topic day.

whoo, that was a lot of nudity

yes that's right. I just got through a whole lot of porn. haha, my
sister reads this and i know when i talk about sex with her, she gets
uncomfortable. so sis, if you are reading this--i recommend you turn
your eyes and click the "back" button to wherever you came from.

anyways, being the lesbian that i am, it is dificult to find lesbian
porn. most of the lesbian stuff i've seen are geared towards the
straight world. wtf is that? yeah lesbians get horny too you know.
anyways the porn i've seen does not turn me on in any way. Those girls
have loong manicured nails, ahhhh! stay away from me. i'm gonna bleed
and it's not because my hymen broke! it's your nails you damn bitch!

so i was in a horny mood and since my g/f has this subscription to
porn--i figured, why not. and so straight porn turns me on. yeah, it
makes me want to have sex with a man. is that weird? but i know that
if i had to get through with it, it would not be the right thing for
me. i would feel used like a piece of meat. but the feeling i get from
watching those porn, i wonder how those girls do it? what is that
freedom that allows them to have sex uninhibited by the camera? after
an hour or so i got sick of that that dick & pussy crap that i stopped
watching and left the site. enough of that stuff. what is interesting
is that one of the girls i recognized off a website i use to visit
long ago. A site that had girls wrestling and whoever loses gets
fucked by the other girl with a strap-on. it turned me on for about a
month and then i stopped watching. oh where oh where is my g/f to take
away these feelings of desire? oh yeah, she's in a coffeeshop
somewhere studying to be a doctor. she's too busy to spend some TIME
with her g/f.

speaking of my gf, she is actually going to leave me in about 9 days
to go see family in the city. that means i'd be alone for about 2.5
weeks! i don't know how i'm going to spend x-mas without my family or
my gf but i'll try my best.

Bonus Time!

I got my bonus check from my job today! hip hooray!

And I went to the dentist today and instead of paying for the total
amount of $151.00, my co-pay amount was only $40. hip hip hooray!!

So my g/f and I went out to celebrate with dinner out. Not too bad for
today's spendings. I also received an application form for the
Flexible spending account... this is going to be a toughie for me to
predict how much i'm going to spending for this upcoming year.

College Classes again

I'm thinking of going back to my community college to take some
classes in January. Maybe enter the nursing program in Fall 2007.
Yeah, nursing. I should probably call the hospitals in town to see if
i chould shadow a nurse or a respiratory therapist. i went to the
community college yesterday morning spoke to an advisor and filled out
a college application, paid my $20 application fee and today i sent
out my transcripts. Yup, that's it. If everything falls into place I
will be able to start off with an anatomy class and move towards
nursing in the fall. That sounds exciting don't it? I think so.

currently i've been feeling a little friend-less. my g/f seems to be
always busy with school and most of my other friends in town are busy
with finals. i was so close to placing a personal ad on craigslist to
find someone to hangout. Someone who isn't a student and have bunches
of time on their hands to hang out sometime. Go shopping, drink
coffee, play videogames with me, go to the bookstore or just plain
hang out. my little group of friends is going to dwindle even further
when they graduate in the springtime and move back to the city. i
won't have anybody left except for my g/f. i better do something about
this... or else i'll be friendless for sure. i fear that i won't find
someone i would click with. ah wells i'm gonna try something-maybe
really put up that ad for a friend.

Invest in yourself

my girlfriend and i were talking about career/dream jobs and our
retirement strategy. She thinks i worry too much at such a young age
that I am already thinking about how much i will have for retirement.
here's what i think: since i'm not planning on having any kids i won't
have children who will be watching out for me. I have to make enough
to provide for myself independently. i don't think i'm planning too
early because it takes about 30-40 yrs to build up a hefty amount. And
considering inflation at 5% per year and the american dollar getting
weaker. that just means i have to work harder at making something for
myself. granted, my current job is in an industry that makes just
enough for my living expenses i need to spend wisely.

i'm trying to think of two things at once. That one, it is important
to focus on my future. Currently i work as residential recovery
advocate with the mental health industry. i help my clients with their
recovery goals so that they may one day live independently. I hope to
take some more classes next fall to work as a respiratory therapist
and work in the hospitals. Everyone has their share of hospital stays
and i want to be aware of what goes on in the hospitals.

secondly, the thing i'm worried about as well is my retirement. my
hope is to retire with my g/f in a comfortable life. I need to buy a
house and to have enough to spend about $30,000 a year for 10 yrs.
That's only an estimate if my retiring years is going to be 10 yrs or
longer.

A Box with 4 wheels

I got one of those...what do call them..? A car? a car??? yes!! !!!
yes!! I'm so excited i can't wait until i sign over the final papers
and bring home my brand new 07 Honda Civic. She is beautiful. ....
beautiful... dazzling...

While I was in the thought process to purchase a car I wanted to buy a
used one. I mean, who the hell wants to pay for the depreciation price
when that first year is the biggest?? No, not I. however, my parents
were against my buying a used vehicle. They said that it was not worth
it, the used car would spend most of its time in the shop. I would
just spend money and time and car won't be reliable. It was tough, i
really couldn't let go of money that has been saved for awhile. I
wanted to used the saved money for more worthwhile things... my
retirement, for one. I'm only in my early 20s and I'm already thinking
about retirement. yes, i am dead serious. But upon more thought and
serious consideration, i figure that this car would take me farther
through life. That i would get more enjoyment from spending this
$18595 and findng fulfillment in a better job and freedom. having a
car means that I am not bounded by the limits of public transportation
and high costs of taxi's. it means I may travel to different cities
and it means that i may choose where i want to live. A place that will
allow me to have a dog!! yes, i would take on the responsibility of
taking care of a pet. I thought I would have gotten a dog by this Sept
already but things came up and plans had to change. I'm stuck living
another 9 months in this place without a doggie!! How sad.. :(

Well now, with this car I don't have to depend on my g/f for rides or
take advantage of using her car all the time. I can take classes next
fall, I can work full time .. and I can have a doggie.

been working on it

I do apologize for not keep up pace with this blog. My last post rants about my g/f and since then we've been trying to work on our differences and I try to not push her buttons. She will do the same. There is a part of me that wants to make it work. Make this relationship work and see where we go after a couple more years. I mean, sometimes i'm so damn happy when i'm thinking about me and her together, other times i get frustrated and find myself asking why the hell i havn't left the relationship yet. but hey, i don't want to give up on things too easily yet, especially now that we're in our smooth ride at the moment. i'm sure in the next week or two coming she'll do something that would irk me and send me reeling my mind off at her. shaking my fist and banging on this keyboard to vent out my frustration. so far there haven't been dishes breaking yet and i hope not.

work--has been great so far. i'm sure my coworkers are trying to figure me out. i can be the quiet one and not really the outgoing person who volunteers information at a whim, but so far i've come out to 3 of 9 coworkers. it's actually a comforting reality when i tell them, no, i don't have a boyfriend but i do have a g/f. One girl bursted out like, "No joke??" like i'm kidding..nope.  it's those moments when i tell them i have a girlfriend that i begin to feel good about our relationship. i go home that night and hug my g/f extra tight just because i got to mention her to someone today. maybe i can start making that as part of my daily goal review. "Mention g/f to someone today" ... haha, nah, i'm still shy.

the clients that i work with are seriously, the salt of the earth. they make life like what it is suppose to be. just live your damn life. yes, all of my clients are dealing with mental illnesses that they try to cope with and are seeking help with. And they try so hard, it's so hard not to sit down and cry for them. they try so hard to pick up the pieces that they got left and live with themselves again. it's quite courageous and very moving for me to see them everyday like i get to. my coworkers some of them are such garbage mouths it gets me mad sometimes. I wonder why the hell they are at a job like this if they have so much to complain about.

my goal for this new november month: to write more in general, whether it be in my blog or in a journal. i miss writing and have been considering picking up a notebook and write again since i don't get much time on the internet as i'd like anymore.

no i don't think so

i don't think my relationship is working. she is pssing the hell out of me. she thinks i'm inconsiderate? she doesn't fucking ever talk to me anymore. when something bothers her, she doesn't tell me. she doesn't tell me anything, i don't know what is going on in her head. i can't be considerate if i'm inconsiderately bothering her.

she makes me look like i have the long end of the stick when i don't think so. i think she doesn't play it fair. she fucking forgets everything. she doesn't clean up in the house and whenever i don't feel like talking to her because she's been annoying me. she thinks i'm the problem. ugh, i'm so mad and frustrated at the moment. i don't know where to take this relationship anymore.

we've been having our downs lately, and the other day i told her i needed a break. i demoted my status as "girlfriend" to being "just-slightly-beneath-the-g/f" status. Then 2 days later she wants to talk to be about just being "friends-with-benefits" .. she thinks that if we don't work out in this coming year than we should look into dating other people. i think she is right, maybe it is time we look elsewhere cuz i'm just sick of her shit. we don't get along like we use to anymore. i think over the time i've gotten more critical about her and now it's just too overbearing for her. there's only so much a person can take. and i broke her boundaries of how much she can handle.

yeah, that's just it. it's not working anymore. i'm so mad at her right now!! i want to scream at her to fuck off.. i want my own apartment away from her for a couple of days. i can't stand it right now.... my blood is just boiling beneath my skin, my fingers trembling as i write this. i think to myself that i have had enough of this bullcrap.

bullseye!

i finally got the job.

i called my interviewer today to "follow-up" --she said that she couldn't give me a definite response on anything but will hear from her on tuesday afternoon. but surprisingly, she called me later this evening and said she got approval from her supervisers and I got the job! i will be coming in tommorrow to sign official papers, take the grand tour, etc. ^_^

yipp yipp!!.. my g/f and i celebrated with some good chinese food--crab rangoons and orange chicken for me! ooh..yummy!

my g/f says she's really happy for me, says that she hates it when i'm sitting around the house doing nothing. hey, i've been cleaning after her these days.

perhaps my subconscious knew there was going to be good news b/c this morning, i walked into a pastry shop and decided to treat myself and g/f with some yummy sweet treats--brownie, a slice of Amaretto Mousse, and a strawberry danish, cost: $8. yikes, a little splurging today but i don't mind, it's worth it for what i'm about to get into for my job! yayayzers!

my heart is in the spirits today. to think that this is my official real job is something worth to celebrate indeed. this is when and where i am embarking onto my career. although i do plan to go back to school for some certification, i think that getting my foot wet in this sort of job is where i want to head in my life. i look forward to a career of helping people, and hope to help them shine some light into their lives. those who deal with mental illness always feel as if they are in the dark and no one could ever understand. it's a big and heavy burden to carry. i can only hope to lighten their load a little when i tell them that i want to help them, to be there to listen to them--listen to their fears and happiness.

i wish my life was more

more passionate
more exciting
more spontaneity
...mystery....fantastic...amazing...thrilling...warm.. more ideal...more intoxicating...

and i know there is no one else to blame but me. it's all my fault. i don't allow myself the courage to live more fully, more dangerously...perhaps that would make me a more interesting person, no? i never imagined my life like this at age 22.. i thought i would have had more drunken nights, more sex, more scandal, more fights and pain. instead, when i reflect, my life has been pretty boring. save the little bumps here and there. i tell myself, "no more, you need to make it more exciting" ...but i don't know how. i'm afraid people won't like me. i'm afraid that i'm just too uptight about making things right that i can't live with excitement. you see, along with excitement, scandal and all that i mentioned above comes those nights where i just wish i was somewhere else. if you were to meet me, you'd think, "man, this girl is moving along a good path" --beginning her career, just finished college, has a great financial stability, great friends and a good girlfriend. ... it's like when life is going so well, there's a tiny part of you that just wants something shocking to happen.. something fun and out of ordinary. maybe i've just been really bored these days... or maybe waiting for that phone call (my previous post) is driving me nuts.

drunk off of life... deliriously loving life. many people say that you can't hold onto things too tightly b/c life can just let you go anytime. they're right... death can hit you just anytime, but why should anyone live and fear it? no regrets.. I said, "no regrets." yeah, that's right.

i love my family, i love my sisters, i love my girlfriend, i love my sanity...

Agonizing

I went to a job interview this past tuesday and now i'm just waiting for a response. the smart thing to do would be to just not stop there but keep going to job fairs and looking for places to drop off my resume. however, the job i interviewed for is the one i want. it's my crucial first step to launching myself down that career path in the mental health field. minimum qualification for the job was a high school diploma and compassion for working with people with mental illness. i'm all for it. so why is it that it's been 3 days and i haven't received any phone calls? the wait is agonizing. i'm already talking as if i work there, refering to the job place and what they do and i use the word, "we." like "we" just cleaned the carpets on tuesday so that was my she was unorganized. so with the bare minimum qualifications, i should be more than qualified right? plus, i got word from one of my references that they called to talk about me. that's a good sign!! that means i'm being considered for the job...so why no phone calls yet? i keep checking my phone for any missed calls and if i have the ringer on... ahh, it's an obssessive compulsion. plus, i've seen this position open since the summer! that's 3 months ago this position was available for anyone. AND i'm also a volunteer in one of their branch departments. I'm already somewhat affiliated with the company! ... ahh, just call me and give me the job already. tell me when i can start and i'll be all yours. i will dedicate myself 200% into the job. please please please...

yikes, i sound desperate. i don't care. i really want this job, granted i would get crap from my parents for accepting a job that i'm more than qualified for and at such low pay. ...

Coming home

my heart is split into two places, although i know which path i would eventually pick out.

i'm currently 831 miles away from my g/f and i do miss her dearly. we talk on the phone almost every night, there was a night or two where either of us were too tired or fell asleep already. she began her first week of classes last week and has been quite busy w/ classes, work, moving in and unpacking, etc. i've been busy helping my family move out of state and settling into our new residence. thankfully all transitions have been moving smoothly and the family is adjusting really well, including my chihuahua--JJ. the puppy raw food diet had to be disrupted for about 4-5 days and getting him started back on it brought on cases of diarrhea. Really not his fault. poor thing. we live really close by the american grocery stores so quick access to fresh meat and 50% off manager's special is always nice.

my parents would love it if i could stay with the family here. find a job here and live with the family. i'd be closer to a lot of things--both my grandma's are in-state, my father's side of the family are here. for the first time i'm gonna have little nieces and nephews running about. i never really grew up w/ an extended family, besides the youth center kids. maybe just the idea of having nieces and nephews sounds better than it actually is.

my g/f misses me and wants me to go back and live with her. she's lonely in her studio apartment and feels like she has no outlet. someone to come home to and talk and spend the evening with. if i could be in both places at once, it would be amazing.

In the olden days

I remember back when I was young, i thought i was living the best life that it had to offer. I had a loving family, a house full of sisters, cool parents and my meticulous grandmother. my folks weren't rich or anything, more like towards the middle end of the spectrum. my family ate well and slept well. I considered it to be a good life. i went to a diverse 4000 students high school, made some faithful friends and had supportive mentors. my parents had their bad days but they were just parents trying to raise 4 kids in an urban city. now i feel like I have my family back again and i feel really happy inside. my parents are not stressed anymore and my sisters are getting older, learning and feeling their way around the world. They're not preoccupied with the store business and a living in what i felt to be a dead end city.

in the next two days, we're moving the family and belongings to another state. actually back to my home state--where my parents first met and got married. i hope that the future will be welcoming my family warmly to new experiences. my parents are worried about having to look for jobs again, but they know we don't need too much luxuries in order to survive or to furnish our lives with necessities.

i left my g/f back in my college town but i hope to back back there soon in the next month and half after my family got their crap settled in the new and old cities. back in college town i'm gonna have to go find a job and figure out what i really want to do in the next few years of my life. i have an idea about what i want to do and just need to take the necessary actions towards my goals. i want to continue doing crisis hotline--i enjoy helping out with the crisis line immensely. i would like to take some more classes next year (2007) so that i could get a certificate and work at a stable job. establishing some sort of stability in my life means having a regular job, having a relationship with my family and girlfriend, having some good friends and having some more goals for my future. this summer a lot of things have been going through my head since i havent really had a job and have been surfing the web this summer. 

i've even got into BARF feeding for my little chihuahua. he's so spoiled, everyone says so. anyways, he deserves to be. BARF--stands for, Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. Yes, that means raw chicken, raw beef, raw fish any raw meat. It rreally ranges with what we have on hand. BARF is still relatively controversial as opponents to these diets say that dogs will suffer from bacteria like ecoli, salmonella, etc. however, in the past 3 weeks from personal experience, my chihuahua looks so much healthier. his bald spot that was near his hind leg is disappearing and his fur is so sleek and soft now. i've done a whole lot of research on it and have joined yahoo! groups that have members who have been feeding raw for years. They will swear by it and thus i follow their examples. i'll update on the health of my chihuahua has time goes on. the only sad thing is that he is my family's dog so when i leave out-of-state, he'll be back on his regular processed dog food.

we also had to take my other dog, Teddy to the pound yesterday. it was heart-breaking to have to bring her to the pound but i find that the situation couldn't be helped. since my family is moving they can't take her because of her size. Teddy is a rottweiler and about 90 pounds. She's huge and by her appearance will easily intimdate anyone who crosses her path. Teddy is really a shy and fun-loving puppy at heart though. b/c of her size, her life was mainly spent outside our backyard patio. i am ashamed that my family had to put her away like this. how do i ease my heart of this matter? is this one of those decisions that we will regret when we reminisce about our past. even though i was not home often to spend time with Teddy i will try to think good things about.

Hey miss baldy

every once in awhile, we come upon curiosities and we say, fuck it, just do it. haha, and so last night i was curious what being bald would feel like. so, giggling and smiling michieviously i shaved it all off. yes, I am completely bald .... "down there." My ..ooooh, so smooth.

lol, no! i didn't shave off my long hair. I shaved off the other head.

i got so sensitive while doing the deed. all the time thinking in my head, "omg--i'm gonna cut myself any moment now!" then i would totally regret it and never do this again! i always had the curiousity of what myself would look like.. haha

my first impression.. brought me a whole flood of memories of when I was a kid. it was actually embarrassing even to myself. i wanted all my hair back. the things i do to myself, really. and I knew my g/f would be so amused when she saw. she started cracking her ass off which further made me feel even more embarrassed. I've been egging her on for awhile to do it to herself--but she could never think of it. She could never think of torturing herself like that, she says.

i went to the mall today, walked around a bit. and since miss baldy was just clean shaven and still very sensitive (i never realize how many times my clothing would rub there until now!) my walk around the mall was quite sensitive and uncomfortable. I look down at myself and think my gosh... i lost my precious! .. haha

never, never--i don't want to do this no more. gimme my hair back!

Update: Site Feed

I'm new to the "news aggregator" and site feeds, it didn't really interest me last year since it was much more fun to surf the world wide web of blogs and visiting pages. However, this got quite time consuming and distractions were everywhere. So, this morning I got into playing with the whole RSS and ATOM and placing a link to my page.

So, if you're interested, I have just added a site feed link for your convenience. Happy reading!

Every now and then

we get lazy days!

I've had a whole month of lazy days! Yeah, there were responsibilities like getting my wisdom teeth extracted, volunteer and packing my stuff (getting ready to move across town). So really, I've done a whole lot of nothing. I got to read a lot, play a lot, sleep a lot and do nothing a lot. It was good. I also got good news from my family--they're planning on moving out to another state!!

You see, my family had a family business. My dad always had dreams of being his own boss. So until he actually got to experience it, he found out that he actually didn't like all the responsibilities. That it was actually a stressful, no-fun job! After two years of playing-your-own-boss, the parents decide to sell the business and get the hell outta the state. So in the upcoming month or two, I will be helping my family pack their belongings, find a moving company, and haul ass over to the state of Texas! yahoo! (cowboy style) I hope things will run smoothly now that my parents are free from their stressing job. One that only allowed at least 5 hours of sleep a day. Hey, they were missing out on REM (rapid-eye-movement) sleep, the most important stage of sleep in an 8 hour sleeptime. REM sleep is supposedly when you are in your deepest slumber and your brain rids itself of toxic brain chemicals and fixes your hormones and tidies up for your upcoming next day. No wonder my parents were always strapped for sleep and grouchy and might i say, aged a lot in that past two years.

My sister got a new puppy and so now we got two little runts running around the house. how cute.

down the drain

eloquence is my name. desire is who I want inside. intelligence is what blesses me. humor is every part of my body. things feel like they tear up inside, and i tell you. i will fight and struggle to my very last of my breath. jealousy is my last name. i quiver with every blink of an eye. passion fills me up like air. tension is everywhere i go. 

what is your name?

i feel like i can go crazy. i feel like standing at the highest point of earth and screamm and yell out my life. that's all i can live for anymore. no really? i don't feel anymore, i can't think anymore. i feel a loss of my desires. i feel like a tornado has ripped my insides and out. we live for the next moment in life. but we don't know where it will take us. some of us have troubled minds. funny, actually--everyone lives with troubled mines and broken consciences. we all call out for our next step and just blindly step forward. do we really know what we live for? do you really know why you answer your own questions the way you do? no we don't. we just think we do. and throw this facade to our fellow brothers and sisters. our precious mother earth can no longer direct us teach us and comfort us. what will happen with it is gone? do we kill  and eat each other for our survival? yes ... no, we all live differently and we all desire differently. love live laugh in many different ways. yet everyone thinks they have what it takes to take them through the next day. we don't know the whole truth. we give ourselves the truth. you and i, we'll go on like nothing is really forever. truly--memories are suppose to last, but they don't ever do. we burst in anger at the world, at ourselves for not comprehending no longer. it's what we live for. we think we know.

explain yourself. no i don't think anyone can. no one knows why human nature is the way it is. why we live the life we do and how we make our own graves to lay in. we go crazy, and do crazy things like that. that's human nature. we will forgive and forget and we will kill and love. we might take our own selves and think to control it, all we have to do is take the human life away. that is how we can control what is not ours. that is how we pretend to live our lives. guilt and pain is all the same. no one knows for sure where the definition is. it is not something we want to find out but maybe we fool ourselves to let it be. and we will live our sorry ways. we will we will.

Perverts

I don't know if you know this but i volunteer for a crisis hotline and so stories are always interesting, but sad to hear. Every now and then we get a caller who uses the hotline for sexual purposes. since i'm a new volunteer, i wasn't very well aware when I got one of my first calls today. yay (/sarcasm)

this caller sounded scared and nervous at first and wanted to share his story. i thought, "he's sounds genuine so why not?" anyhow, in the end, i found out he was a fuckin jerk-off. (pun intended)

i felt so used and manipulated in the end that i wanted to call his fucking ass up again and curse the fuck outta him.

So maybe it's my fault actually for allowing the call to reach that point, the smarter thing would have been to stop all talking, give him options--a) either he stop and talk about something else or b) have my superviser call him back

i feel incredibly dumb for letting him use me like that.

jeez. but you live and learn.  i told my supervisor and we have his fuckin name down. he's not gonna get away with this next time.

curse those fucks who use the crisis line for their sexual gratification, now that i know better --i'm not gonna let them use these calls like that again. grrr, i'm still shaken up by the whole thing. here i was thinking this was a genuine guy who was feeling guilty and didn't know who else to talk to. I'm so nice, too nice sometimes.

It is nice to celebrate

Today would be the magic number. It's funny because everyday or everytime i see the number 6 2 2, i would immediately associate it with my birthdate. Even if it was 6:22pm or am, i would for that 1 minute be happy b/c it is my birthday. I don't like the aging part, but i do enjoy the celebration that today so-so years ago was when i came into this world. Why wouldn't anyone celebrate or commemorate the day?

this year i would have wanted to celebrate w/ my g/f, however, we got into a ruckus this morning and i've just told her that i don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Not w/ her nor w/ anybody. I can't stand it anymore. Ever since i was young i've always imagined my life alone. I always thought when i got older and was self-sufficient, i would have my own place, own car, and own solitude. I realize time after time that I don't work well with others. Sharing my life with someone else is not so sweet as i once thought it was.

so today i celebrate it alone.

The little black book

It should be kept hidden, it should have never been found. My high school friends and I use to keep this little black book that got passed around between the 4 of us and we wrote anything and everything--boys, poems, pictures, random thoughts. It's funny how we go back to it and read it again and find out how much it reveals to us when we're older now. of course, we're older, more mature and experienced now and that book somehow shames me. i'm not as close friends to those girls anymore due to distance, romance problems and separation of personalities. So to have those girls read through that book again and figure out how not much has changed since. I feel a little naked. That little black book had private thoughts and points of views that i'd rather have it put away for now. i feel like it reveals too much about me yet we all can dismiss how that book only keeps a memory of who we were back 6 yrs ago. so much has changed since and so much else hasn't.

that book shouldn't be read again and made mockery of now. it should be thrown away and cast out of our lives like a distant memory. i feel like to have somebody read it would be an intrusion upon my most private childish thoughts. They are thoughts that now as adults we keep hidden and deep down inside whereas when we were teens it was still worn on the sleeve for all to see.

There I go Again

...wishing that my life was somehow more better or more exciting. and that makes me such an ungrateful being.


and some people are just destined to be evil.

i'm back from my vacation and now visiting my sisters parents and grandma. i can't believe how time flies by so quickly. but everything is almost like the same thing. no body likes to be here. everyone wishes to be elsewhere other than here in this town. the sad thing is that once my family leaves from this town, we won't miss anything other than our dog Teddy who we might have to leave behind. other than that, it's like a long lost dream fulfilled. i want my family out of this town, we have an evil aunt here whose goal in life is to make my parents life miserable. she is constantly on their backs trying to get my parents to pay one bill or another. her excuse is that, our lives are better off b/c she convinced my parents to move the whole family down here and go into a grocery business. no, it hasn't been good since. it's been a hard knock life. my aunt has sucked the life, happiness and innocence of our family. she leaves behind only bitterness. oh how i wish her a painful and lonely death. she's 49 years old and to me, i consider that OLD... she's a bitter and angry old hag--who has alll the money in the world, has no kids... i don't understand why she has to go for every bit of gain she can get from us and other people. she intimidates us with her lawyers and legal papers but that does not take the best of us. we have never seen evil like her. fuckin bitch.

okay on a happier note. my trip to sanfrancisco, los angeles, las vegas was a blast. it was 2 weeks on the roads with my girlfriend and i loved every minute of it. of course we had our little bickering but that made it all the more fun. my g/f is such a darling, sometimes i don't see why or how i could get so mean towards her. wow, g/f does not have a temper towards me. but i could go off on her at the slightest annoyance i can get sometimes. yeah, i yell at her. she still spoils me. i love her and she tells me how much she as well. we do hope to go on for a long time... yet i still feel a nagging sensation pulling a string at the back of my head when i talk about our future together. i feel a slight pessimism when  i think about how the future would look like. at the same time that i wish our lives to be happy together i have a need to tell her that maybe i'm not the one. i have tried to tell g/f that maybe i'm not that one, maybe we should part our ways for a little bit to see where we would take our lives. the other half of my brain tells me that i'm happy with her that i can't ask for a more better partner and that i would miss her terribly if ever i had to leave g/f. she makes me really happy, when i am unhappy she tries to make it better, she tries to listen and care about my trials and errors. and somehow the nagging feeling tells me that that isn't enough. if i were in a fantasy world, i can imagine myself take a leap of the edge of cliff and soar away. i'll close my eyes and just fly away from all this doubt and negativity. but i can't. i wonder if that is what everyone else is holding onto. they found a good thing in life and just can't seem to let go to see if they would find an even better treasure. I don't even want to think of myself like that. that i'm holding onto g/f b/c she is the best thing in my life right now until i find the next best thing. i don't like to see myself in that light, yet i can't help but feel as if that is it. that is what i'm thinking about all along.

i can never be sure what life holds and i know that there are a lot of possibilities and imagination if i let myself live those great moments. and at the same time i feel as if all the greatness and desire of all good things in life only sounds so much better in words. or looks so much better only in dreams and imaginations.

i still love my g/f.

through the woods and all those mountains

i've been away from home for about a week now. i graduated last sunday, yay to me and the next day, my g/f and i left for the west coast. we hoped that we would escape from the dreadful rain that was haunting us during graduation weekend, and alas i come to the west to find los angeles and san francisco amidst in their own clouds and rain. how sad is that? that means no sunny days and no summer tan for me yet. nothing but wetness, sadness and gloominess all around. i got to see some new sightings, the roads in san fran were incredible, just ups and downs. ooh, it made my heart beat fast everytime we had to slope downwards, and when the car had to pull itself up the hills, it was heart stopping to see the car work so hard.

 

we came to los angeles to see our long-time mentor and friend, Betty!! I love her, she made a big impression on my life while growing up. she still is, and it hasn't changed since the last time i saw her. it was like coming back to old days to be hanging out w/ her again. it's great, betty has the heartiest laughs and finds so much joy in the things she talks about. she makes jokes and is always bubbly happy. Betty is getting married!!! whoop! yes she is, she found a boyfriend--now fiance when she moved out to the west coast. they're really cute together, she calls him baby. I think they both compliment each other just fine. she's the crazy one and he calms her down.

 

my g/f and i have gotten into a couple of rough edges, times when she didn't want to get up from bed or when she forgot to bring the maps and her cell phone and i was driving around lost in the city of san fran. one of the things i hate most is getting lost while IM the one behind the wheels. something about that kind of uncertainty and the rules of the road that ticks the hell out of me. yesterday morning, when we were to take our 7 hour ride to los angeles, i was trying to get rose up and she was whining and complaining, did not want to get the hell up. grr... when i finally got her up, she in a whiney voice said, "why do i have to get up first." I responded, "b/c i got up first yesterday." lol, oh boy are we getting babyish, it feels like my sisters and i fighting in the old days when mom needed our help with some baking at 6 in the morning.

 

i also got a call from one of my sister yesterday telling me that my grandmother's store burned down. the whole store.. that store made good business and now it's all gone. my aunt and 2 uncles are devastated, they didn't get good fire insurance and might not be reimbursed for the amount the store was valued at. they might get only 1/5 of what it's worth.

 

well, that's all the time i have right now, will continue later when i get back home. i still have two more cities to see and that's las vegas, nevada and denver, colorado! wish me a safe trip!

Anonymity and Blogs

I like to read blogs. They give me a bit of insight, a window into
someone else's world and for a little while, try to see what they see.
It makes me feel like i'm connected and a part of this world. that i'm
a seeing, thinking, human just like anyone else. it's not just blogs,
i love to surf around the web and find cool websites, learn about new
things, i can spend quite a lot of time on my computer. But most of
all, i like to read. I like to read and listen to what others have to
say about their life. It's like, I only get one life to live but w/
blogs i feel like i can live multiple lives at the same time...well,
almost like that. Anyways, it helps me get out of my head and into
someone else's cuz i feel like i'm in mines too much. Getting too
self-absorbed is not a good thing for me b/c then i start looking at
my life so pessimistically. anyhow, another thing is that i like to
learn about other people who has something interesting to say, i can
learn a good few things or two. Most of all, i like the anonymity of
it all. i can comment if i choose to or i can pass w/out sharing my
thoughts. i value the freedom of it all. to me, if someone is willing
to share something on-line, then it will be fair game to anyone who
decides to read it. Now, there will be those who abuse that privilege
and take it to the stalking extremes. So, that is when bloggers take
responsibility, use some common sense and don't share any identifying
information!! it's not that hard really.

i want to share w/ you all a little bit of immaturity that i
encountered last night. i am a little bit bothered, perturbed,
displeased by it and feel the need to tell it to my blog. last night,
i was reading another girl's blog (from now on, i'll call her High,
she likes to get high at least once a day), and at first i didn't
realize it, but i had to do a double take. I then realized she was
talking about me!! she didn't say my name, but she used a quote from
one of my entries and insulted me. here are her words:

------------
" 'Anyways, listen to Michael Buble!' Stupid girl, stop reading my
_____ and acting like you're all original when you're getting that
shit off of my entries. Think of your own shit to blog about, ugly."
--------------

earlier that week, i had written in one of my entries encouraging some
of my readers to go listen to michael buble, i think he has a
beautiful voice. and for some "ODD" coincidence she has that kind of
taste and both High and i have been listening to buble for awhile.

needless to say, some kind of tension started building up in me. i
have never been cross to this person, and i don't even know her! I got
really irritated and went into looking how she found out about me. i
found that she's been using some tracker program, which tracks
readers. for some odd reason, i find a bit of humor in that. High
likes to write and she blogs almost everyday when she isn't high, but
then again, she gets high everyday. So i've been reading her blog
since the beginning of April, i liked her writing. I kept my opinions
to myself, never commented on her writing. my opinions about her has
dropped incredibly low, and that she has very bad taste to feel that
she needed to call me names like stupid and ugly.

it got me highly offended to think that i need some kind of
inspiration to write in my entries and therefore go to her. oooooohhh
cooommmoonn, ugh, excuse me, i could crack up and throw my drink at
her but that'd be a waste of a drink. and for goodness sake, it's just
music. buble is quite popular nowadays, i really don't think she has
the right to insult me on it just b/c she thinks i 'got the shit' off
her blog.

i responded in my entry w/:
-------------------
"i'm not sure where some ppl get their negative energy from and i
really hate it when i meet ppl like that. i find it odd that some
people can be self-centered enough, or maybe low enough to think that
others simply cant find any inspirations in themselves so therefore go
and copy off of other self-centered people. be happy and dandy if it
floats your boat to think your world is that SMALL, cuz i have no
sympathy for you.

i think it's a little bit more of the jealousy side. when someone else
finds the same enjoyment from wearing that kind of clothing or listen
to that kind of music or like the same foods, to name a few.
self-centered people can feel like they're the only ones listening to
the music or find their kind of taste to be exotic so other ppl
shouldn't be able to share in that enjoyment.

i mean, fuck, buble is pretty popular nowadays--thanks to his voice
and his many songs in the movie, "Wedding Date"---Which is how i found
out about him, no fucking thanks to nobody, except the movie producers
and all those involved in making the movie.

i can't believe someone psst me off like that. shit, i actually
enjoyed reading your blog, thought you were a nice writer and a cool
person, so excuse me for making such assumptions about you."
-----------------------------

i guess maybe she reacted like that b/c i was intruding too much onto
her private space, reading too much of her thoughts, so she needed to
insult me and make me go away. fine, there's plenty of other things to
read about, so i'll let High get on w/ her life and i hope she just
doesn't bother me either.

so what did i get from all this:
1) not to read her blog anymore, she made her point clear
2) im beginning to dislike those tracker things b/c i realized that a
lot of other ppl are doing the tracking as well
3)

Some pictures cuz I like em...

It was raining really hard today....






Here's some pictures of my lil' guy. He's a cutie and all the roommates adores him. ^_^

My systems of support

I would like to evaluate some of my systems of support in various areas like physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

physical:
I would like to say that when I need support, I would try and run a couple of miles and tire myself out. i would run my brains out so that leaves no room to think about my troubles. however, sooner or later i would have to face my troubles and fears. i use to run, i don't anymore.  my physical mode of support right now would be my girlfriend's hugs. i love 'em. they're warm and confident and supportive and emanate with love. i use to love my mentor's hugs. she gives big, tight hugs--they just suffocated you w/ love. she moved out to the west coast and i haven't seen her in almost 3 years.

emotional:
when i need an ear to listen, i would pick up the phone and call my sister. we don't talk about my problems b/c i don't know how to start it or approach it with her, but we talk about lots of other things that makes me laugh and later i realize my problems aren't so bad after all. i call up some other friends, talk about life happenings and such. i call up my mentor and tell her how lost i am and how i can't figure things out for myself anymore. she gives me a hearty laugh, that makes me feel like i'm being hugged. all my emotional support are miles away but i feel a whole lot better when i reach them with a phone call and talk to them. my girlfriend provides the support when she sees me in tears or when i'm feeling fear about something, she tells me that i'm okay and worth much more than i think i'm worth. it makes me feel better. a good conversation is always worthwhile.

mental:
being able to write it out. i like to write, been writing since i was in junior high. it started out as a diary about a crush i had on a boy about 5 years older than me. i liked him so much i almost stalked him. he gave me butterflies in my stomach when i saw him. too bad he never knew. reading helps me relieve my mental stress as well. i surf the web and read postsecret or read The Sun subscriptions, they're a good independent magazine. my kind of reading about life. it helps me realize that i'm not the only one who goes through my life woes and problems. i like to listen to music, or watch tv.

spiritual:
myself. it's all like a mental thought process. i lay down in the dark and think that it will get better tommorrow. that now is not forever and that things eventually move on. it won't be so bad. i try and find the strength inside me to make myself feel better. mostly, that strength comes from my other pillars of support. sometimes it also helps me to ask god for a little bit of help to make things better. I ask the gods to help protect my family, to help them be strong and persevere through what they have to go through. sleep is also my spiritual meditation, haha, i enjoy it. eating helps bring my spirits up, food helps nurture the mind as well as the body.

Oil and Water don't mix

It's frustrating when you have different group of friends who don't mix. It's not like I want everyone to be one big happy family (although that would be nice) and maybe I do want it that way. Why can't everyone get along like chocolate chip cookies and milk? See, my problem is that I want to go on a road trip but my friends won't get along with each other for the 2 days, 50+ hour ride to California. My girlfriend, the one person that I want to spend the most time with, has the most problems with getting along with my friends. She says she feels a) uncomfortable, or b) can't stand their personality, or c) have trouble communicating with the other friends.  It was her whole idea to bring along some friends for the trip and now that I asked if others want to come, my g/f has a problem with that.

Sometimes I wonder how my girlfriend and I are together. Our group of friends are so different and yet g/f and I get along together fine. I feel like we live on two separate worlds sometimes. Just yesterday, I was at the grocery store w/ my g/f and brought up a story of a nutritionist's husband who died of undiagnosed diabetes.  He was tremendously overweight. He was basically a walking heart attack.  Could the nutritionist have done something about his eating habits while he was alive, i mean they were husband and wife! Maybe and maybe not. I always tell my g/f to try and add more fruits and vegetables into her diet, even whole grain fibers would help her and a little bit of movement and physical activity goes a long way. Sometimes she takes my advice and other times, it's like I don't know her. Granted, I'm guilty of the same indulgences in my food choices and lifestyle.

It's also frustrating when my g/f is so sensitive to my side comments or remark I make about her. She says that I'm critical, too critical. I think she takes my comments quite personally, but I tell her because I want to communicate to her why what she does annoys me. I tell her what about her behavior or attitudes that makes me grouchy or petty. Everytime we argue about our differences, I always feel as if this relationship is doomed. I shouldn't be so shallow, but how does a relationship like ours stay strong we both are cut from different fabric? We both live on different principles and values, how we chose our career paths based on our personalities, different.. all different. We like different things. It's hard to pinpoint any similarities between her and me. Maybe except that we're both females and we sleep on the same bed. gah!

Jump on the Bandwagon and Make Hay

if I were to follow our quick-paced, time-saving strategies and never spend a moment to ponder. i think i'd rather not live. why the rush? yes, why the rush to get things done?

things that annoy me: people who rush. people who talk fast or try to get through a conversation fast. people who drive fast.

where's the moment that you are suppose to enjoy? i agree with the statement that "nobody is getting younger so you better hurry up!" but i don't think it's any fullfilling to enjoy any moment at all. i see people who are so busy in the ''doing" that they're not paying attention to the ''being.'' getting through medical school in 4 years? that's crazy. you are suppose to save lives as a career but only spent 4 years learning about techniques, 3 yrs in residency. i know some ppl are already complaining about how long you're in medical school, but i would really like the option of taking it a bit slower. enjoy some of the youth, age or whatever stage that a person is at.

what's the point in getting this done and taht done and that and that and that.