Enter your heart

Last night I got into a rather insightful conversation on Christianity with my roommate, Sam. When people ask me, "What faith do I follow?" I generally identify myself as Buddhist and I do pray to an Alter where there is a picture of my grandfather (passed away in '94) and I do believe in the goddess of mercy known as Guan-yin, I pray to her from time to time and I also pray to (whom some refer to as) Siddarhtha.

However, I have been curious for some time now the thoughts of accepting Jesus Christ into my heart and following the Christian beliefs. My friends who follow God and his ways have been very open and willing to share answers and talk to me about their Christian or Catholic beliefs. With them I have discussed what I see religion as and how I have been interpreting my life's happenings around me without the use of religion.

For instance, when I am going through some times of hardships, where I am feeling down and out and just depressed about life, I would write about it. I write out my thought processes, I write out what has happened and try to argue things in a better light. I tell myself that everything is going to be okay, that everything happens for a reason and the sun will shine again tommorrow and I will be happy again soon.

Then, I would compare myself somebody who is Christian or any other faith believer. But since I am surrounded by more Christian and Catholics, this post will mostly be talking about God. One who I have had many a conversation with we shall refer to her as Mary. Mary, she is fairly religious and ever so faithful in my years that I have known her. She goes to mass every Sunday and any weekday when she gets a chance. In her room, she has the cross hanging on the walls, she has pictures, poems, and religious wares that tells us what she believes in. Simple and fair. So whenever Mary falls into any hardships, struggles, depressions she goes to church and pray or cry her eyes out. She sits there and really feels as if God is listening to her cries, her sadness. She believes that he is listening, that he understands and tells her that "Everything happens for a reason, and she cannot tell why she has to go through it, but in time she will see everything clearly." She feels like a weight is lifted off her chest, she is relieved, Mary is happy once again.

Hmmm, I envy her for being able to share her problems with a an all-knowing spiritual being. Someone who, unconditionally under any circumstances, will love her and forgive her for all her worldly sins as long as she keeps her faith in Him.

So I ask myself, why not me too? WHy not not? ahhh, so there's the rub.

I cope with my problems in what I interpret as a very secular way and I deal with it fine. I still come out happy in the end, but I wonder if I will come out happier if I had accepted him in my heart? That I would have coped with problems better with God in my heart. Other times I tell myself that Life IS what it is, I should take everything good as good and everything bad as bad. And I learned that not EVerything has to be identified as good or as bad, that there is really a spectrum with things in between the good and the bad. That to live through it all, I will be able to understand it all the better, rather than using religion as an excuse or a "stepping stone" to help me through my times of difficulty. I believe that to use religion is to fool yourself into believing a happier self-existence that may not be real. Sam had said that if you do "have faith in God" and there isn't any such thing as hell or heaven, you don't lose anything anyway. You win the bet either way. But it's not JUST any kind of bet though!

So, my interpretation that Life is just what it is. A lot of people have told me that thought is very depressing. They think that having and living a life that just ends when someone dies is so pessimistic, that there really is not point to having an existence at all.

But do I care really? Cuz what happens to me in this life, I may learn from it but it still makes me the same person after death. I don't get to carry any material possessions, do I even get to carry the knowledge, wisdom and experiences I have learned from in the past?

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I toyed with the possibility of having Him in my heart. Accepting Jesus Christ as my savior, for him to take away my sins and feeling the love and forgiveness of God. Now who doesn't want that kind of offer? It sounds so good to me, there's relief and a senseful peace of mind. I felt stronger, I felt as if someone was holding me up and letting me see the better parts of the world and the understanding the person I really am inside. But somehow, I still feel as if that isn't the ultimate answer to what I am looking for yet. I am not ready to settle down yet, because yes, I do think when I accept him in my heart I am committing myself to something that is forever. Forever is scary when you really think about it.

Where should I add my blog?

I finally figured how to link webrings to my blog, yay! and whoa, i'm looking for a good place to link my blog and I have soo many choices-- I love chicago along with the fact that I grew up in chicago and want to link to the windy city bloggers but thing is I don't go to school in chicago--urbana, champaign is where I spend 97% of my time! Does living in the same state count?

And what about linking to a lesbian webring, I tried looking for some but I haven't found one that I particulary like yet--so I'm still looking.

I also got to surf so many different blogs, i enjoyed every moment of it! of course you have to go through some really bad ones--what I mean by bad is any that I have to navigate in a complicated way or ones that hadn't been updated on for (a) year(s). yes, and those blogs that didn't give me a good feeling-- i just left.

Then I started playing around with my template--whoever designs these pages are geniuses!! html, java script, all that programming work people are geniuses! I really don't know how they can control and memorize all the way we want everything to lay out on paper. There's a lot of people that I admire on this world and geniuses and people of intelligence--I especially admire. But I must say I admire a lot of things and it does not take a lot of effort to have to impress me.

A lil intro of myself

Right now,

I'm doing this 6 week summer medical education program in Newark, New Jersey. So far I've enjoyed it quite well. I'm far from home, friends, and family--I really do miss my own room and setting my summer schedule--i haven't gotten to enjoy the summer vacation yet. I'm suppose to be here for school--MCAT purposes, so i'm "suppose" to be studying hard! key word: suppose

haha, but newark is a 30 min flat train ride down into the heart of manhattan, who could resist that temptation?!! I need to get a digicam so then I could upload some pictures of the city into the computer and share with everyone.

I've even gone to the PRIDE 2005 parade this past weekend, and golly--never been surrounded by sooooo many Gay pride people. Everyone was dressed up in their rainbow and had rainbow flags, it was exhilirating. I love being gay. Haha, Even though I went by myself and came home by myself I was still so glad to have been able to go. It was a "getting to know myself" experience and you gotta love those moments. I felt at home--even though i'm from the midwest--being among others who identify as gay makes me proud of who I am.

studying but it's a little hard when there's so much else happening around. It's been fun though, a lot of things new to me and everyday a new day is always fascinating. I've been in a good mood lately and even though I miss home, my sisters and family--I really am enjoying myself. No stress. You know how family can stress you sometimes? yes, that was what it was for me when I went home to family. Also, back at my apartment where I live with 3 other roommates, i left back some tension and stress that was stressing my life. I'll have to tell you more about that in another post. It feels good to be out here by NYC where nobody knows you and they don't really care, we all just want to be out here, focus on the MCATs while enjoying the new atmosphere. I wish I had a car though that way i'm not so limited tocoming back to the dorms before the dark night comes or when I want to go out to the city for some parties. haha, that's what I've been wanting to do--I celebrated my birthday a little bit last week, iturned one year older last week on Wednesday and so I had to celebrate that mark in my years alive on this world.

my gosh, and so much more confusion

All this is so new to me-- I've used the computer quite some time now but first time getting into this blogging concept. sure, i've used livejournal.com and then just recently the xanga.com. but I had to stop with the xanga cuz I couldn't keep my business from being talked about among people I know personally in real life. Thus I changed to this site where i can just post and nobody on this world can know me unless i tell them.

so now my brain is in a site of confusion, how do i link everything and everything to everyone...?? my gosh, i need to sit my ass on this computer and learn somemore.

[edit] alrighty, it is 12:35 am in the morning, i'm tired, i need to get myself to bed now. aww, i definitely learned a lot today and hopefully i will get to learn some more once i get the hang of clicking and blogging on the links everywhere here. It's been fun, reall fun. Wish i was back home in urbana on my own computer and just surfing the web. i love it, i love surfing the web. I always tell my sister, the internet is your window to the world! aiyee! goodnight everybody and hope you're having a great night too!

this is a test

i'm just testing this out...