love my g/f even more, part 1

cherish the moments that i get to have with my g/f. i love those
tender moments when i can look into her eyes and validate the feelings
i get from her. sometimes i feel as if our personalities are as
similar as night and day. other times i look at our lives and it's not
as opposite as i may make it seem. she loves me for who i am and i
love her for who she is. i love her for loving me, respecting me and
pampering me. i try to do the same for her.

my g/f and i started off as friends, freshmen year of high school,
it's been 8 years since then. we've only started dating these last 2
years. before that we were caught in a love triangle with between my
now current g/f who i will call Butt and another of my best friends
whom i will refer to as Lambchop. you see, my g/f was in love with
Lambchop, Butt was infatuated with lambchop and adored lambchop like
no other.

As freshmen in high school the three of us started off as friends who
identified as straight females.. haha, my that has now changed. I am
now dating Butt and Lambchop is in some fling with this other girl. So
now we are either lesbian, bisexual or just clueless. Someone on the
outside looking in would have never predicted the drama that would
ensue in the next 8 years of this friendship/relationship.

It was finally in college when Butt acknowledged to Lambchop that butt
had soo much feelings for lambchop. lambchops, the way i saw it, sort
of went along with the attention and love she received from Butt.
Lambchop failed to ever communicate to tell Butt that feelings could
never reciprocate..in retrospect Butt now feels as if she was used.
anyway, when it was sophomore year in high school that I saw this
ongoing relationship between my two best friends. i was hurt and
disappointed, feeling like a third wheel whenever i hung out and i
felt jealous. at first i didn't understand it, i assumed it was
because my two best friends are getting to know each other on a whole
other level that i could never understand.

i decided to leave them alone and find another group of friends to
hang out with. I left the friendship hurt and lost and my attitude
being very cold towards Butt and Lambchop. They didn't really care
much since there were in the moment with each other. I saw them every
now and then for the next couple months down the road whenever i saw
the two of them hugging cuddling and just being so close; i couldn't
help but notice an urge inside of me for Butt. Feelings of my jealousy
for Butt. I wanted Butt to look at me with those same loving eyes, i
wanted to love her be close to her. And i felt like i could love Butt
so much better than lambchop ever could. Lambchop enjoyed the
attention she was getting from Butt but only saw the relationship
between the two as just "friends with benefits." Butt wanted more than
just benefits. I saw the pain that Butt was going through. Lambchop
never came out of the closet. The relationship between Butt and
lambchop was very secret and behind closed doors, it was taking a toll
upon Butt because the feelings she gave to lambchop was ignored. It
hurt me to see Butt in this kind of pain and bind that she did not
know how to get herself out of. Butt was just hopelessly in love with
lambchops.

the holidays

I posted this the day before xmas, i don'tknow why it didn't show up,
therefore i am trying again. ...

the holidays

my g/f left for the city to spend the holidays with her family. one of
my guy friends will be coming to town to stay with me and spend xmas
with me. i'm glad i won't be spending xmas alone. my family are all
home together for the holidays and i'm not there to see them.
unfortunately being in the 'real' world does not grant you the
privilege of 1 month off for holidays nor the 3month summer vacation
most students get.

i worked on the overnight so i came home at 8a to go to sleep. woke up
at about 2p and spent most of rest of the day cleaning up, fixing
things around the apartment. i cleaned extra hard since there wasn't
much else better to do to keep me active. i was also proud of myself
to be able to use everyday products to do a very thorough job.
products like baking soda and vinegar works very well. Add a little
bit of dishwash liquid and washing soda and you've got homemade
cleaning products. i'm also starting to make my own homemade laundry
detergent. i would imagine that it's going to be fun to make and cost
efficient to use.

i also made some hummus today. yummy. yesterday when i went grocery
shopping i bought some tahini and so i added that to my hummus. yummy
i love hummus, it's so healthy for you and low in fat. high in protein
and high fiber. and even more healthy when you can eat it with a whole
wheat pita bread or whole wheat bread. i added honey to the hummus and
i think it came out a bit too sweet though.

i wanted to stay away from the television today and i managed to do
that. This morning a long time friend of mine called to say that he
was throwing a 'winter solstice' bbq party tonight at 10p after work.
so i guess that's going to be part of my plans for tonight. i'm a
little bit of a social awkward person i don't talk much when it comes
to being in big crowds that i don't know much. plus his friends are
different from the ones that i usually hang out with. it's that thing
where crowds of friends are different--your sport buddies to your
shopping buddies kind of difference. at least that's how i see it.

this college town is pretty much dead since most students go home for
the holidays. so this little party/get together would give me some
social contact at least.

i am surprised that 3 out of every 5 of my neighbors are still here
instead of going home. i pass by their windows when i go by to go work
or throw out the garbage. lights on means somebody is home.

i'm going to try and make it a goal to write a lot more often. today's
entry didn't have much of a topic, and i do apologize for sending you
through such a slow topic day.