Perverts

I don't know if you know this but i volunteer for a crisis hotline and so stories are always interesting, but sad to hear. Every now and then we get a caller who uses the hotline for sexual purposes. since i'm a new volunteer, i wasn't very well aware when I got one of my first calls today. yay (/sarcasm)

this caller sounded scared and nervous at first and wanted to share his story. i thought, "he's sounds genuine so why not?" anyhow, in the end, i found out he was a fuckin jerk-off. (pun intended)

i felt so used and manipulated in the end that i wanted to call his fucking ass up again and curse the fuck outta him.

So maybe it's my fault actually for allowing the call to reach that point, the smarter thing would have been to stop all talking, give him options--a) either he stop and talk about something else or b) have my superviser call him back

i feel incredibly dumb for letting him use me like that.

jeez. but you live and learn.  i told my supervisor and we have his fuckin name down. he's not gonna get away with this next time.

curse those fucks who use the crisis line for their sexual gratification, now that i know better --i'm not gonna let them use these calls like that again. grrr, i'm still shaken up by the whole thing. here i was thinking this was a genuine guy who was feeling guilty and didn't know who else to talk to. I'm so nice, too nice sometimes.

It is nice to celebrate

Today would be the magic number. It's funny because everyday or everytime i see the number 6 2 2, i would immediately associate it with my birthdate. Even if it was 6:22pm or am, i would for that 1 minute be happy b/c it is my birthday. I don't like the aging part, but i do enjoy the celebration that today so-so years ago was when i came into this world. Why wouldn't anyone celebrate or commemorate the day?

this year i would have wanted to celebrate w/ my g/f, however, we got into a ruckus this morning and i've just told her that i don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Not w/ her nor w/ anybody. I can't stand it anymore. Ever since i was young i've always imagined my life alone. I always thought when i got older and was self-sufficient, i would have my own place, own car, and own solitude. I realize time after time that I don't work well with others. Sharing my life with someone else is not so sweet as i once thought it was.

so today i celebrate it alone.

The little black book

It should be kept hidden, it should have never been found. My high school friends and I use to keep this little black book that got passed around between the 4 of us and we wrote anything and everything--boys, poems, pictures, random thoughts. It's funny how we go back to it and read it again and find out how much it reveals to us when we're older now. of course, we're older, more mature and experienced now and that book somehow shames me. i'm not as close friends to those girls anymore due to distance, romance problems and separation of personalities. So to have those girls read through that book again and figure out how not much has changed since. I feel a little naked. That little black book had private thoughts and points of views that i'd rather have it put away for now. i feel like it reveals too much about me yet we all can dismiss how that book only keeps a memory of who we were back 6 yrs ago. so much has changed since and so much else hasn't.

that book shouldn't be read again and made mockery of now. it should be thrown away and cast out of our lives like a distant memory. i feel like to have somebody read it would be an intrusion upon my most private childish thoughts. They are thoughts that now as adults we keep hidden and deep down inside whereas when we were teens it was still worn on the sleeve for all to see.

There I go Again

...wishing that my life was somehow more better or more exciting. and that makes me such an ungrateful being.


and some people are just destined to be evil.

i'm back from my vacation and now visiting my sisters parents and grandma. i can't believe how time flies by so quickly. but everything is almost like the same thing. no body likes to be here. everyone wishes to be elsewhere other than here in this town. the sad thing is that once my family leaves from this town, we won't miss anything other than our dog Teddy who we might have to leave behind. other than that, it's like a long lost dream fulfilled. i want my family out of this town, we have an evil aunt here whose goal in life is to make my parents life miserable. she is constantly on their backs trying to get my parents to pay one bill or another. her excuse is that, our lives are better off b/c she convinced my parents to move the whole family down here and go into a grocery business. no, it hasn't been good since. it's been a hard knock life. my aunt has sucked the life, happiness and innocence of our family. she leaves behind only bitterness. oh how i wish her a painful and lonely death. she's 49 years old and to me, i consider that OLD... she's a bitter and angry old hag--who has alll the money in the world, has no kids... i don't understand why she has to go for every bit of gain she can get from us and other people. she intimidates us with her lawyers and legal papers but that does not take the best of us. we have never seen evil like her. fuckin bitch.

okay on a happier note. my trip to sanfrancisco, los angeles, las vegas was a blast. it was 2 weeks on the roads with my girlfriend and i loved every minute of it. of course we had our little bickering but that made it all the more fun. my g/f is such a darling, sometimes i don't see why or how i could get so mean towards her. wow, g/f does not have a temper towards me. but i could go off on her at the slightest annoyance i can get sometimes. yeah, i yell at her. she still spoils me. i love her and she tells me how much she as well. we do hope to go on for a long time... yet i still feel a nagging sensation pulling a string at the back of my head when i talk about our future together. i feel a slight pessimism when  i think about how the future would look like. at the same time that i wish our lives to be happy together i have a need to tell her that maybe i'm not the one. i have tried to tell g/f that maybe i'm not that one, maybe we should part our ways for a little bit to see where we would take our lives. the other half of my brain tells me that i'm happy with her that i can't ask for a more better partner and that i would miss her terribly if ever i had to leave g/f. she makes me really happy, when i am unhappy she tries to make it better, she tries to listen and care about my trials and errors. and somehow the nagging feeling tells me that that isn't enough. if i were in a fantasy world, i can imagine myself take a leap of the edge of cliff and soar away. i'll close my eyes and just fly away from all this doubt and negativity. but i can't. i wonder if that is what everyone else is holding onto. they found a good thing in life and just can't seem to let go to see if they would find an even better treasure. I don't even want to think of myself like that. that i'm holding onto g/f b/c she is the best thing in my life right now until i find the next best thing. i don't like to see myself in that light, yet i can't help but feel as if that is it. that is what i'm thinking about all along.

i can never be sure what life holds and i know that there are a lot of possibilities and imagination if i let myself live those great moments. and at the same time i feel as if all the greatness and desire of all good things in life only sounds so much better in words. or looks so much better only in dreams and imaginations.

i still love my g/f.