i wish my life was more

more passionate
more exciting
more spontaneity
...mystery....fantastic...amazing...thrilling...warm.. more ideal...more intoxicating...

and i know there is no one else to blame but me. it's all my fault. i don't allow myself the courage to live more fully, more dangerously...perhaps that would make me a more interesting person, no? i never imagined my life like this at age 22.. i thought i would have had more drunken nights, more sex, more scandal, more fights and pain. instead, when i reflect, my life has been pretty boring. save the little bumps here and there. i tell myself, "no more, you need to make it more exciting" ...but i don't know how. i'm afraid people won't like me. i'm afraid that i'm just too uptight about making things right that i can't live with excitement. you see, along with excitement, scandal and all that i mentioned above comes those nights where i just wish i was somewhere else. if you were to meet me, you'd think, "man, this girl is moving along a good path" --beginning her career, just finished college, has a great financial stability, great friends and a good girlfriend. ... it's like when life is going so well, there's a tiny part of you that just wants something shocking to happen.. something fun and out of ordinary. maybe i've just been really bored these days... or maybe waiting for that phone call (my previous post) is driving me nuts.

drunk off of life... deliriously loving life. many people say that you can't hold onto things too tightly b/c life can just let you go anytime. they're right... death can hit you just anytime, but why should anyone live and fear it? no regrets.. I said, "no regrets." yeah, that's right.

i love my family, i love my sisters, i love my girlfriend, i love my sanity...