There's been drama again

On Monday evening, R told S that I will be living with R next year and that the three of us roommates won't be living together again. Apparently, S didn't like the idea of that at all. S throws a fit. She claims that R is abandoning S and not caring anymore now that there's a new girl in her life. Then S proceeded to punch R in the stomach. (R later claims that it didn't hurt that much, besides the fact that R was hungry at the time). S climbs out of the car, sobbing like crazy and slams the door. Very hard. That night S went to go spend the night at a friends place.

So this past Wednesday was R's birthday. And that morning, S hugs R and tells her, "I'm just scared of having to live on her own."

And now, it's Thursday evening, and everything is okay. S's room door is open, and she's friendly again.

*cough* I can't help but feeling a little suspicious that something is going wrong. How did S get over her distress over 2 nights? S usually takes longer than that, she takes months, in fact. What's going on? I'm a little worried, my eyes are throwing weird glances. I'm confused. My instincts tell me that not everything is what it seems.

I meant to ask R about it, but both of us are currently swamped under huge amounts of coursework we are busily trying to keep up with. I want to discuss some things with her. Both of us have been communicating more about our relationship these days. Reminisce about the past, and contemplate the future.

Thumper's birthday

To snuggle close to you
whispers of your warm scent and glow
hinting that I am lost on cue
let them know through our immortal flow
tough won't lend us through any breakthrough

Today was my honey bunny's b-day! I bought her cake, bought her a card and some friends came over and we sang her the birthday song. The cake tasted great, I had two slices, hmmm, wonder how many calories I ingested.

A Matter of Self-Control

I read this off of The Sun Magazine and really wanted to share it with you. I find this piece to be very beautifully poetic and sad in a way.

It sounds pretty crazy to take a knife, or a paper clip, or a razor blade and cut yourself and say it makes you feel better. A lot of people don't understand how the pain of living can be so bad that cutting brings relief. They don't know that each drop of blood holds a thousand unshed tears, a thousand moments of unspoken rage.
If you could cry or get angry, you would. You aren't stupid. But to express emotion is to risk the wrath of thos who cause you pain. Nothing is worth that. And so you cut.
You cut to control your pain, to wash away the rage. You cut when you choose, unlike the abuse, which happens without warning. Cutting belongs to you. The more you keep it secret, the more control you have.
I know all this because I used to cut. Nobody knew. I was married twenty-three years before I told my husband and learned to stop. I'm good at keeping secrets.
And yet, to heal, some secrets must be told. I breathe and lift the razor off my arm and speak the truth. That is the real control.

-Unknown
From October 2005, The Sun Magazine

We all deal with our issues differently and one of those matters takes us to the topic of self-control. Either it's within ourselves and how we lead our lives or even expressing control over others. There are the healthy or the unhealthy ways to do handle matters of self-control. To take anything out to the extreme is unhealthy. But really, what do you say to those who are hurting themselves? Those individuals who internalize their pain, and to release it, they cut and hurt themselves maybe eventually leading to suicide. My thoughts go out to those who are doing these kind of things to themselves. As individuals, we all deserve love and kindness, that to give is also to receive love. In loving yourself and loving those around you comes a sense of self-validation, self-gratification and a refreshing dosage of life, to what it really means to live.

I'm starting to feel a little uninspired again

I go through these bouts from time to time where I feel as if anything I do in this life matters. So why live it?

I worry about the decisions I make. I fret over how the next few years of my life are critical for it may break or set me. Then again, there are so many adults whose stories I've read (from The Sun Magazine) tells me that it's never too late for anything. Heck, people are still falling in love at age 50 and finding the love that they've been searching for all their life. Then there are those who are just starting over, someone who has healed from alcoholism and living the sober life.

I try to put things in perspectives. Maybe I'm taking too much into perspective. I think of those who have influenced my life. People who I love and look up to (literally and figuratively).

Right now, if you were to look into my brain, you would see a jumble of mess. For instance, I'm suppose to be studying for my exam I will be taking at noon Wednesday. What am I doing at this hour writing in my blog? No really, while I was sitting in class, I was having the hardest time trying to concentrate and focus on what my professor was lecturing about, something about Amino acid metabolism. I couldn't get my mind to listen to him though. My eyes wandered over to my fellow classmates. I envy them for looking so confident. I question them in my thoughts, "How do you know that's the right path for yourself?"

Many will respond and say, "No one knows really." True, but that's so much easier said and done.

I blame it on my perfectionist side. That I want everything to be perfect but nothing ever really gets done for I fear that it won't be done or go the perfect way.

Live it with a passion.

My how that sentence seem so strong to me. One girl who's profile I was reading had something this:

"I want to run around naked in the rain on a hot summer day. I want to know what the word "peace" really means. I want my parents to know that I'll be able to repay the favor. I want to be able to do a windmill. I want to smoke and drink and play darts with some interesting blokes. I want to wear a corset and garters only to have them torn off before fucking historical-romance style in a bed with gauzy curtains and silk sheets. I want to be a revolutionary and change the world. I want someone who understands what I am and wouldn't change me for anything in the world. I want a love worth dying for, whether a cause or an actual person. I want experiences worth writing about. I want to get into a bloody fight with a guy and fuck the hell out of him afterwards (or at least have that physical capability). I want friends who aren't afraid of being as they are. I want friends and lovers who know how to go out for a night on the town with next to no cash in their pockets. I want to live.

But most of all...I want to stop wanting things so damn much. Not just things of monetary value, but things of emotional value which in the end turn out to be completely meaningless. "

Maybe I fall under the same crime. I struggle to want better and more for myself, and yet I find nothing in my opportunities. In the everything that I do, I don't seem to feel enlightened or appreciate the fact that I'm doing what I've ever wanted. My mind is not satisfied. I demand so much out of every ounce of my time that I don't know where to begin. Then I begin tosee myself as a failure. I refuse to see myself at that point! It will become a self-fulfilled prophesy if I let things happening the way they keep going.

I miss the city. What shall I do in the city? Find an inspiring job. One that will bring me satisfaction in the everything I do. Even when it is down to the nitty gritty details of paperwork. I'm talking about social work. More like working for the underprivileged. Especially kids. Children deserve all the love, nurture and care they can get. To provide for them an environment full of possibilities and opportunities for kids to grow and be accepted. That's the kind of things children should be surrounded with. Ok, so without much further ado, I am done with this entry.

Me and You and Everyone We know

Notice that my title is a clickable link. Click it.

If you are near a theatre that is playing that movie, go see it! I highly recommend it. It won awards from the Sundance Film Festival and a Cannes award.

It's funny and deep at the same time. Very deep. You wouldn't think so because these are everyday people but they make choices and think the same as you and I do. Because of that, it makes this movie so real and so good. I love this particular sentence from the synosis of the move. Note: you'll probably have to see the movie to understand this statement but I will try to explain it to you as well as possible.
Here's the sentence:

They seek together-ness through tortured routes and find redemption in small moments that connect them to someone
else on earth.

They refer to the characters of me and you and everyone we know. We all go through our unique journey in our life and it's not an easy life, we all know that. Nonetheless, there are those moments when life suddenly places us in a position with someone else that seems to make the rest of the world stop and it feels as if it's just us two. That simple connection validates helps us ourselves and acknowledge the facts of life. When i read that sentence, suddenly the movie made sense in my head. I realized that movie has a message that silently prods you but when you get the sense of realization, it feels as if a humongous snowball had just run over you.

Oh so messy!

Because I wanted to show my sister the place I've been staying at for the past two years or so. Right now, it's a very messy apartment. Hah, lemme show you my room.

This would be the entrance to my room:


And here's the interior of the room:





Did I tell you I like roses so here's my wall when I had cut up an old calendar.

Cyclone Pasta

I had some great pasta at the Outback Steakhouse yesterday evening. So good that when I warmed up the leftovers, it tasted even more better! Although when I heated it there was the oil streaks that it left behind on my plate.

Yummy!

Clyclone Pasta:

Penne Pasta
Alfredo Sauce
Slice Grilled Chicken
Tasso Ham
Sun-Dried Tomatoes
Shiitake Mushrooms
Topped with Fresh Basil and Garlic
Melted Cheese on top was Gouda, Parmesan and Provolone Cheese

All made for a spectacular ride on the taste buds!

I wrote it all here in case that I might need to make it in the future for myself. Homemade. Can someone direct me to the best recipe for Alfredo sauce made from scratch? yum!! I wonder if the regular grocery stores sell sun-dried tomatoes? Where do I get something like that?

All That Jazz

I just read the last sentence to my previous post and thought to myself. Jeez, I sound like a whiny bitch. So, you must excuse that.

I'm procrastinating again. It's 7 am Sunday morning, I woke up extra early so I could get a head start on studying. Hoping that I could study all day today.

Can I say that I love my baby boo. Yesterday was Sweetest day or was it Friday the official day? Nonetheless, she got me a vase with a combination of beautiful white roses, white lilies and Jasmines, white as well, and various other green leaves they decided to stuff my vase with. Yup, that's the picture of it. It was so scrumptiously sweet of her. Just on Friday we had a conversation about flowers. R had casually mentioned that it would be weird for a girl to get another girl flowers. R said that just to see what my reaction, fully knowing that flowers is one of my weaknesses. I love them, I love recieving them and my room has a whole wall dedicated to roses.

I told R in a whiny voice, "Nooo, it's not weird. You argue about the fact that a heterosexual relationship is just as equal as our lesbian relationship. What's so weird about getting girls flowers?"

And R let out an exasperated sigh in surrender and said. "O-K. I'll get you some flowers next time."

To my delight, I got fresh flowers delivered to my door Saturday morning. It seems she was just setting me up for it. When I pointed out our Friday night conversation she giggled and said. "I'm good huh?"

She's such a darling! The flowers were truly a wonderful gesture. I'm not sure why her decision to make all the flowers white, but still the combination makes it a most delicate gift.

Through the whole day I left it on the coffee table here. Might I add that my other two roomies were gone for the weekend so it was just me and my girl in the apartment. Although the roomies left Friday evening and are coming back Sunday morning. I'm expecting them home anytime soon.

The rest of the Saturday I spent 'trying' to study. You can guess at my success. We went out to eat twice! Both times the kitchen forgot our food. The morning brunch's restaurant excuse was that the slip of paper fell behind the grill. The dinner's excuse was somehow our order got mixed up. Me and R didn't mind so much though, so no complaints from us. We're actually very good customers really!

Good Enough
hey your glass is empty. it's a hell of a long way home, why don't you let me take you, it's no good to go alone. i never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me, after all the bullsh-t i've heard it's refreshing not to see. i don't have to pretend, she doesn't expect it from me. so don't tell me i haven't been good to you, dont' tell me i haven't been there for you. just tell me why nothing is good enough. hey little girl would you like some candy, your momma said that it's okay, the door is open come on outside, no i can't come out today. it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder and threw you to the ground. who's there that makes you so afraid you're shaken to the bone. you know i don't understand, you deserve so much more than this. so don't tell me why he's never been good to you. don't tell me why, he's never been there for you, and i'll tell you that why is simply not good enough. so just let me try and i will be good to you. just let me try and i will be there for you, i'll show you why you're so much more than good enough.

by Sarah McLachlan

Studies and more...

It's like one exam after another these days. I've been filling my head with all the good educational things in order to pass my exams...Ace it all! And of course working. I'm hoping for a good paycheck upcoming weeks. I can't believe that it has been almost 8 weeks into the semester and FINALS will be here upclose and personal.

R and I, we're doing quite well. I'm finding myself getting attached to her more and more as each day goes by. It feels good to be able to hold her and find myself smiling at thoughts about her throughout the day. I never thought I would be with her, but here we are, making plans for ourselves in the next few years to come and what we're doing in the coming weekend. We're starting to let our friends know, bit by bit, about our relationship together. Like Wednesday night we confessed to one of the other roommate, we'll call her lil' bo peep, telling her, "yeah, me and R are together." Surprisingly, bo peep never knew. Even when I've been sleeping in R's room and hanging out with each other a lot. Bo peep hadn't the slightest idea. How weird.

So of course with all this going on. S doesn't like it one bit. She doesn't talk to me or R as much anymore. Frankly, I think S is being a big baby about all this. Why can't she be happy for the both of us. I love R and R loves me too. I guess that's why a separation for awhile would be good for all of us. I just don't like what R has been telling me. R says that S refers to me as "your girlfriend" S would have the little smirk on her face and makes these snide remarks, almost as if she's insulting me! I'm offended. I realize that all these years, my friendship with S does not prove a thing. I don't mean shit to S. One time another conversation R had had with S.

R says, "S, I don't like how you're going about this at all. It seems as if you're making me choose between me and my girlfriend or you."

S replies, "Now that we're on that topic. I would like to know who you would choose, her or me?"

When I heard this, I felt as if someone had run a knife and just sliced a piece of my heart. I have never made R choose between me and S. Two years ago when I thought R and S had a little something going on, I gave them their space. Sure I did! I chose not to live with them for a year. I went off and did my own thing. I joined a sorority, volunteered a lot and crammed my academic schedule with a lot of study time. I didn't hang out with them. It hurt to much to see them together. But I was never hostile towards either of them, I just stayed away. I never tried to take R away from S, just the way S is doing nowadays. Do you have any idea what S is doing with R?

S goes up to R and puts moves on R! S tries to kiss R, tries to hold her and bring her back like the olden days. It's not fair! R is MY girlfriend now, let me tell you that. hmph! I think it's very sneak and manipulative of S to do what she is doing right now. Even back over the summer when she ruined things while I was away with my family and in the east coast. S put moves onto R. Now, I'm not just blaming S, R did have her faults that lies with the drama back in July. But I feel that S should understand now.

R has clearly told S to stop kissing her. S still expects R to do the things that R had done in the past. R had really spoiled S, a whooole lot.

An interesting job opportunity

I've always wanted to be a waitress at some upscale restaurant. That way I can rub elbows and mingle among the elite, even if it's just as a server.

I might encounter people who think they're better than God, but where do you go that you dont' encounter that? haha

Bad sisters can't make cake

...they make a mess instead.

I'm glad my sisters have their friends, cuz I don't know how to be there for them. Honestly. TAlking on the phone and bothering them to tell me what's going on with their lives is not going to help, is it?

I just don't seem to want to be on the phone 24/7!! But with the distance like this, is that the only possible way to show them that I care?

I could do better at this.

Nowadays I'm just so focused on work, school, classes and with my new used and abused girlfriend. haha, j/k. Yeah, I got a lot going on right now but each time I read my sisters xanga reading about their ever-fantastic lives, it makes me wish that I was there a little more often, a little more involved in their lives.

Untitled...

Lips lock in its sweet embrace
Overtakes us in love and fatigue
Every moment worth honoring
Inexhaustible with each passing breathe

Hearts pounding
Wakes us to the gentle truth
Reality, an affair is never forever
We set ourselves to that responsibility
The forces set into motion

This is about the best everyday
A life shared with each other
courage is challenged
Our love is alive on this world

Self-Control and Kung Pao Chicken

My monthly Sun magazine came the other day so I've been a happy cat, quite contented in reading my Sun. Thanks to my great sister Vicki who gave me a WHOLE year subscription. I love it! So if you've never read a Sun magazine, you should! Click it!

Well, I read about self-control and it made me think about some things within myself. The fact that I can keep myself so cool-headed when I'm dealing with unreasonable people is a matter of self-control. So from now on, when I am justifying to myself why I can't be more outspoken or loudmouth against someone who is insulting me it won't be a matter of 'taking their shit' but rather not finding the need to stoop to their level and find the need to redeem myself. I don't need to be unreasonable and thoughtless like that. Also, what the dalai lama would encourage us to do. There's always a lesson to be learned from every struggle.

Although there have been times when I lost my self-control and took it out on my sisters. They really do take the brunt of it all, which I'm feeling horrible about. I really am sorry. Physical abuse is certainly not the way to deal with sisters.

I know i know. Kung Pao chicken has nothing to do with Self control. But I couldn't resist and I wanted to limit myself to one post a day. I've always wondered how they make kung pao chicken the way it tastes and if it really is a chinese food. yum! My mouth is salivating. So just to remind myself where I can find the recipe for future reference: Kung pao Chicken!