Exams along the way

damn exams. I have two this week. I've been a bit lazy at updating and keeping up with my blog but I have been surfing whenever I get the chance. I just didn't want to write.

Hope you enjoyed your Turkey break. Thanksgiving with family wasn't too bad? I didn't get to see family, not this time. But I will be in about 2.5 weeks. I'm excited, I haven't seen them since May. O_o, the distance between my family and I cannot be replaced by my ass. Well, maybe half. KIDDING. They live too far for me to visit them regularly, I try to call them once a week, but my parents as well as sisters don't take care of their cellphones too well. It always runs out of batteries when I choose to call them. ah wellz, I still love them.

Sparkle

Every now and then I find myself tripping on my faults and I always blame myself for it. No more!! I say. I don't want to trip anymore, I don't want to blame myself anymore.

My grades stresses me and worrying about them gets me older and makes me seem like an uptight bitch. I don't like it. I don't like to make myself go study all the time. But in order to do well in my classes, I find myself cooped up at the libraries or cooped up in a study carrel somewhere on campus.

I will sparkle, glitter and shine when I can hit myself in the head and tell myself, that it's ok. Getting a 'C' in my classes is not the most horrendous thing that's gonna happen to me. I know I tried. Knowing that I tried my best is what counts. Who cares if it doesn't fit the admission committee's expectations. I can always try again, or go try somewhere else. It's not THE thing that will make me wholesome. It's just not it.

I shouldn't be complaining but...

It's hard not to criticize or compare myself so harshly when your roommates all around you are doing something that will profoundly enhance their wisdom and world experiences.

A little background: I have three roommates altogether, two of them are Architecture majors and R (who is my other roomate) is a pre-med double majoring in Molecular Biology and Psychology. I decided to go for a Food Science and Human Nutrition Degree with a concentration in Human Nutrition. I wanted to find a major that would be flexible and well learned enough that I could apply to anywhere I want to go to in my future. I wanted a degree that was practical. Right now, one semester away from graduating, I am still finding the meaning behind what makes any degree practical!

Anyhow, before I always believed that a busybody is a productive human being would mean a fulfilling life. It sounds as if the mainstream thought of city life and society got to me. That if every minute of every hour is not spent doing something productive, then it is wasted time. Wasted time = bad.

But in the past two years, my life has been nothing like that. I feel that I have been nothing but wasteful (as I still call it) of my time and being. I don't participate in any school extracurricular activities, and it was only this fall that I found a job and began working again.

Last year, I spent it studying hard. Although my grades didn't show it, I was studying my ass off studying and keeping up with professors' expectations. I didn't work, and almost all times I stayed around the apartment. Times that I recall that I was really waiting for R to come home just so I could be around her. If you knew my history, you would know that I was so into R. I just wanted to be around her all the time. I spent the 2nd half of that year going to therapy group sessions as well.

My sense of self-esteem seem to drop and bounce, sometimes breaking almost. I can't seem to hold myself so much as stable when it comes to telling myself, "I'm ok. Really. Everything is going to be fine, really."

Showers, and Sqeaky Clean Selves

MMmmmMMmmhhh.. For the past two days in a row, me and R have been showering and bathing to-get-her! And yum, it was so goood. On the side note, she does take a long time getting herself cleaned. Bathing with someone was something I never thought I would do with someone I'm romantically involved with. I always thought that showering should be something done in privacy, I mean really, you're cleaning yourself touching yourself in non-sexual ways. Why would you want your significant other there watching all this? We might even get to see each other in non-sexy poses of the most awkward manner trying to get everything clean, esp around the hard to get at areas.

But well, it wasn't anything like that at all. I enjoyed it quite well enough, it was a dose of intimacy of our relationship. I was watching her do something that was an everyday task. If I were to close my eyes, I could still imagine her and how she looked. And it was very sexy. If you know R, you'd see that she isn't girly at all. She's rather a bit tomboyish and doesn't care if she farts in front of others. Or rather around the roomies. To me though, R is so exquisite, has alluring facial features that I could look at all day. She has a couple of moles on her face that is placed so strategically placed on her face. The way she smile, everything just sparkles. And when she sleeps (**swoons**), she looks so innocent and loveable.

I find that I love being with R as each day progresses. I miss her when she's not there. I love her kisses, I can kiss her all day. Eating, sleeping, walking, and living with her gives me thrills. When she kisses my back, it's so unbearable, I want to scream sometimes. But figuratively speaking, every ounce of my body screams with joy and happiness when I'm enjoying my time with her. She makes me feel contented with peach in my heart. She teaches me to be more selfless and more laid back about life. I just love her.

Broke is my middle name

I realize that jeez, I spend a hell of a lot of money. Money that should sit nice and quiet in my bank account. Saving for my retirement you see. Where does the money go?

I like to dine out. I like to go grocery shopping. To see all the new products and 'new looks' of anything colorful. I like to go out and watch movies, spend on cups of latte and more fast food. Sometimes when I let friends borrow money, I'm not a hound in wanting it back. It is eventually lost. Oh, and do I love to shop. If you past by me, you probably wouldn't think so since when I'm in classes, I dress myself in t-shirts and sweats. (They're so comfortable!)

In the past, I use to keep such a tight hold on my money, I don't know what happened. I just figured that I might not live such a long time, why should I deny myself any enjoyment of what I could now? Except the eating out too much part might be what will cut my life a little short.

Sometimes I think too much
It drives me crazy
I think about the future
Thoughts about my past
What do I have to learn?
Am I doing this right?
Despite all the heeds that there is no right or wrong
I feel like I am wasting my time
Other instances I feel like I should see a psychologist
I think too much
I wonder about my opportunities
There are jealousies that wells up in me when I hear
what other people are doing
I want to live the adventurous life
Yet I feel as if I am stuck here
in this one time, and one dimension
My thoughts makes me hate myself and hate this life
I feel as if I have no more to live for
because I don't know what to live for
Here's my word vomit of the day

She travels around the world

This girl here is traveling! I want to do just that!

Where are you going?

If I could have a conversation with myself. Like walk down the street, and I see me walking in the opposite direction in all my glory and fame. I would stop myself and ask, "Hey girl, where are you going? Where do you get your confidence, will you share some for me?"

"I'm going ____ and doing _____ and meeting ______. It's going to be so great, I'm going to do _____ as well! I'll be ____ and ______ and _______."

"Wow, that's so exciting and great. I envy you."

"Aw, well now. Don't be! I've just found my niche and I'm extremely happy. Just stay true to yourself, do what you need to do and don't be lazy about it. You'll get to where you want to be."

When I was a young girl, I looked at the world with bright eyes. My daydreams saw myself doing great things, wonderful experiences that would fill me with joy. Life doesn't seem to glow so strongly for me no more. The decision in deciding what I want to do with my life has left me with so much doubt and sadness in myself. Depressing to say, I just wish I could figure out what I want to do. I'm at my patience end. I'm impatient. I know it's something that nobody ever knows for sure. Everyone old and young are questioning themselves are faced with reflecting with their inner selves. Somehow I'm not satisfied with that answer. I'm not satisfied to dismiss the fact that I won't ever figure out what I want to do. I could work on it, slowly and surely it will hit me so hard, the idea will topple me over and my world turned upside down. Wouldn't that be just the thing, just how I would like it to happen to me.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm reflecting too much. I'm looking too deep that I'm not taking a step or two back and realizing something. What will it be? Where are you going? Will you give me some guidance? Or how about you live my life for me? Cuz I'm getting a little tired.