The Best in the World

The saying goes that there is something special about you or something of the 'best' about everyone that makes them unique. So what makes you unique?

I think I have yet to figure that out. Right now, I can say I can be the best at being in the mediocre. I'm not extreme in a lot of things (one of the things I dislike about myself). Although I wish I was more opinionated. And in conversations, I hate having to use the words, "I don't know." It doesn't make me an assertive individual at all!

Well, the link that I found there if you click on the title of this subject blog, you'll find is a link to an interesting page. I found it when I was looking for the soundtrack the "Me and You and Everyone else We Know" Directed by Miranda July.(?) It sounds like a very interesting movie, where it makes a point that everyone wants to be connected in an ever-isolating world we have today. It's a look at the inner most personal thoughts of some that helps remind us how much alike we all are on the inside. Maybe I'll ask CrazyD to come and watch it with me. He likes independent movies like such. Movie is suppose to come out Oct. 14, Friday night.

Graduation date is near

In the next 10 months, I will have to be figuring out where I want to take my next step in life. I always had the intent of wanting to freelance. At least that's what I've been telling anyone who has asked. My parents wants me to have a stable job. I want to do some exploring. R wants me to stay here with her on campus for another year. Although I'm not sure if I want to stay here another year. I'm sick of chambana. I feel like I'm done with this small town. I want to go to a new city, meet some new friends, run through some new fun experiences.

It's funny how the problem with money and the need to develop a career holds me back. I don't know who or where I got that notion from: the need to make a career for myself. It's like if I don't plan, I'm not going to be successful and will be a failure. I don't believe that but there is still something that holds me back. That makes me feel like a failure. I don't want to be an entrepreneur, I don't want to be a great scientist or a great anything. I just want to be someone who helps make this world a better place. Someone like a social worker (something my parents would definitely not approve), I don't need to make a lot of money damnit! Why does this society teach us to be so money and consumer driven? It pssts me off to find people so materialistic. Why do collectibles? Why the need to have expensive cars on the driveway? There's hungry kids out there! Kids that need your love and a warm home and bed to sleep in.

Maybe that's what I want to do. Any books or articles that I have read in the past, what touches me most is when kids talk about the lack of love in their life growing up. It's a sad thought and no kids should have to go through that. I want to help kids who come from troubled homes. Let's face it, not everyone is fit to be parents and some kids just have the luck to be born into a broken home, broken life. I can help ease their transition into this world a little more.

I wonder if it's too late for me to go into social work or something of that sort. There's so many child abuse cases I could help with a little.

As your stomach falls down the neverending hole

she likes to call us 'lovers'

We haven't really talked about our 'relationship' yet.

Honestly, i dont want to talk about it w/ her. Whatever that is happening. Not everything has to be put into words. It makes this whole affair more magical that way. There's no one to classify who we are or no line of spectrum to place us. We need no future to focus ourselves towards. It's a presence in our lives that cannot be explained anymore but that I love the girl. Sleeping next to her, feeling her breathe and watching her graceful eyes flutter open from time to time. Her warmth is like oxygen to my body. I fucking can't remember if i've loved anyone as much as I love this girl. At the same time that the pain that comes in the future is inevitable, i can't help but fall for her.

Perfectionist

My apologies for not updating as regularly.

My upcoming exams are not helping with the stress!!

Life for Rent

"Life For Rent"

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
------------------------------------------

I have let her tasted me. We have definitely crossed soo many lines and boundaries of our friendship. She has hurt me before, a lot of times. Times when I felt empty inside and she was the cause of it, she wasn't there to help take care of my wound. I remember my pain more than what I'm feeling now.

My pain of the past, she wasn't there. Why is she here now when the good times are rolling. It makes me want to hate her even more.

I have never let anyone get that far with me and she's been there and back and there again.

ok.... I'm not going to decipher all this and make everything mean something. Cuz that's it exactly, not everything is meant to mean something.

Not everything is something.

What relationship?

It's been a crazy couple of days. I've been engaging myself in a past affair. Me and R. I don't know where this is going, we don't talk about it. We have a lot of sexual contact, telling each other how much we love each other.

We can see S is getting upset. It's deja vu all over again. She hates to see me and R getting along so well and kissing, sleeping on each other's beds and interacting like we do. S hides herself in the architecture building a lot, coming out to eat and drink at certain times.

It annoys me to see her upset.

I really do blame her that my relationship with R had gone downhill back in May. She gotta be a damn baby through all this. Her friendship don't mean jack to me whenever I look at her, hear her, I want to smack her. Smack some sense into her.

S couldn't stand letting R love another girl. S only wanted me and R to be friends. Can't she see all the chemistry going on? R tells me, "don't blame S. We're not together because I don't love you enough"

Really? I think that to myself. So now what's happening? Why do you kiss me and hug me like that? Why do you tell me you love me? Do you just mean it like a friend loves a friend?

I feel like a fuckin' piece of meat. It feels shitty.

I'm just ranting/venting.

And i'm a little stressed. It's 7 am right now and I slept for a good 2 hours. I signed myself up for work tonight, that means by day won't end until 8 pm this evening. I still need to study for two upcoming exams next week. Stress... that's it.

I'm doing some major roommate bashing, it's all that rain that's been coming in.

I Kissed You Tonight

I kissed you tonight
you made me feel the sexiest of the all
and then you fell from my light
when you insisted it is bad to draw
two girls at once,

by the kisses you keep two aside
I asked you what lie you're living
Would you rather live the truth

you chose the lie
you kissed me again
I kissed you back
I live in your lie

you play my heart into two
the pain you put me through
when i realize how
you fool us three

but i cannot undo
this love i bring myself low

-katkathy

I find her to be so selfish. Her actions and words to be only in her self-interest. I feel as if she keeps me and S by her side because she wants the best of both worlds. She wants to keep the three of us as friends, that as well as the "friends w/ benefits" thing. It's sickening, how I let her play me into her hands. At the same time I realize this, I'm too dumb to not do anything about it. I am stronger than this. I can do this. I can let her go. But the problem really is, do I really want to let her go? And truth is, no, not really. It makes me feel bad that I can't do it. I need her companionship, I need her friendship, and I love our kisses. This relationship seems to still hold value, at the same time it hurts me to know that everynight she kisses me, she does the same to the other girl as well. She kisses the both of us!! Funny thing is, we're in rooms right next to each other!! Life is ironic. This is one of the most ironic I find myself in. If I were an outsider looking into this situation...I'd feel mad. I would tell myself, "hey you! get out! you're dragging yourself down, you're fooling yourself. Idiot!!"

It's just not that easy. I can say it so many times and I still won't budge. I'm a stubborn freak like that.

Language Block

I feel as if there's this area of my brain that is doing all the thinking and conversing but it never releases itself. When I will it to release the conversation out of my mouth, it hits a brick wall. Nothing comes out of the mouth except stutters and half sentences.

It's a sickening feeling.

It's embarrasing.

I have a hard time communicating to my peers, although it use to be worse before. Now I'm finding it to be an ever-increasing challenge to speak to my parents. I don't ever feel as if what I am saying is enough to what I want to say. It's never enough. Ever get that frustrated feeling that you want to let out but it won't come out. I feel it all the time whenever I speak to my parents. It gets worse everytime! The distance that we live apart from each other doesn't help either! It's tough to try and communicate through the phone without facial expressions and hand gestures. I feel like a dry, dead cardboard when I'm conversing with the rents.

So yesterday, after 1.5 week I was finally able to talk on the phone with my parents. I wanted to cry, my emotions were rushing through me, like a sense of urgency to show how much I miss them and how much I wanted to be there with them. Everything ran into that brick wall. I sat there, even more at loss for words, dumbfounded and stricken with the fact that I sound so emotionless to my parents. I love my mom and dad more than anything else in the world and for me to be miles apart feeling as if I can't do a thing makes me feel worthless! I hope they don't think that I don't love them, but I think they're feeling like that. It's sad, it's so sad. I'm sad.

What do you do in a situation like this? ... This language barrier of mines

Cup of Latte

Today I had my cup of latte. Loved every drop of it! I used a coupon too so it came out to be $2.50 including tip. That's saving me some money, using those coupons. I use to feel bad using them, but they make my wallet happy so when my wallet is happy, i'm happy!

If i could have it my way, I would want a neverending amount of latte. Of course I might get sick of it soon enough but right now my love for lattes is overpowering. I love the warm feeling I get from a hot cup of latte. The bitterness, the way it feels on my tongue and the taste of it is just oh so lovely.

Won't you try a cup of latte today ^_~. You could buy me one too if you'd like

I hope you've enjoyed your day!

I learned something today, when that latte gets cold, just reheat it up again on the stove. Just for a little bit and keep watch, the milk heats up real fast and you don't want the proteins to coagulate out of the mixture. So just make it warm enough and there you have it, warm latte once again! hehehe

I Wish You Would

Come unto my embrace
just so I could keep you,
Hold you forever in my arms
It just feels so soft and comforting
to hold all your tenderness so sweet

Why don't you just spend one
night with me, and maybe then
you'll see, my love was meant for you only

Why do you tear my heart the way you do
sometimes I just want to be free of your gaze
or maybe me and you could fly away
with no more distractions and complications
I don't know how I could love you anymore

you're taking my love for granted
because I truly believe no one could love you as I could
I don't want to hear your reasons why you
can't accept my love

I thought you loved me, I really thought so
You hurt me though
I wish you would
Just let me go

-KatKathy

~~Swish!!~~

The track finally updated their webpage so now I know the open track times. I've been missing out on running and jogging regularly, I don't like that. I need to feel the sweat and I feel as if I'm getting fat! Thus today, after classes, I might swing by the track and try a couple of laps, hopefully I'm still in shape! yippee. Gosh, but circle IS a shape, I insist!

Vroom Vroom!!

It's been a busy weekend! A labor day weekend!! I worked Sat night and Monday evening. They were only about 9-10 hours altogether but even then I feel as if my days are gone.

Friday night, I hung out with my roommates and some other friends, we went out to a hookah bar. Very fun. It was amusing, the aroma stuff you suck into your lungs. God knows what it really does to the body, but it was a good time to mingle with friends and enjoy the evening away. Later on, we played some drinking games. The only thing I drank a lot of was water. I really wasn't in the mood to drink.

So where'd the days go? I find myself on the verge of a Wednesday morning, feeling kind of sleepy and still have tons of reading I must get through. Uh-oh!

Word Harrassments

Okay, so they're words and the volume in carrying a voice at another human being.

I accused R of using so many pots and leaving them on the stove w/out washing them and putting them away. She hates it that I always accuse her of things she didn't do. I'm sure it annoys her. Today when I accused her of the pots, she raised her voice and said, "NO I DIDN'T!" and I insisted she did, those pots were hers. She yells again, "NO I DIDN'T!!" She murmurs in a pssy voice to S, I'm guessing something along the lines of why I always accuse her of doing things she didn't do.

My reactions: I got psst that she raised her voice. I didn't say anything about it to her though. I wanted to scream back, "Why are you screaming at me?"

It's disgusting, her little habits that she gets into around the apartment. I can't stand how she leaves her plates, cups and bowls on the living room table after she finishes eating. I hate how she lets her bloodstained underwear soaking in water for weeks at a time in the bathroom. She had leftover pizza in the oven for 2 days!! She lets food mold in the fridge. She bosses people around. She's a bossyhead. She wants people to do favors for her but when it comes down to her doing favors for somebody else, it's a tough task. I find her to be selfish and most inconsiderate. Her aspirations to become a doctor, I am most critical of--but only in my head. I find that in a doctors' kind of profession, you need to be aware and more considerate, have compassion even if it's only minor details as to how you're hurting another persons feelings.

R professes that I am one of her best friends, yet I feel as if she treats me no less than shit. When I am going through some tough and stressful times, she makes jokes out of it and laughs. She doesn't extend any sympathy. She asks for hugs from me when she is going through stress. But when I am going through stress and I need a hug, I don't feel any love from her. It's exasperating, I'm almost at my wits end.

At this moment, I'm not so fond of life right now. I don't want to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with it. More like there is no one "right" way to deal with anything, but my dilemna is I don't even know where to begin. The way I do it, I play things as if they don't bother me much. But inside, I harbor so many mixed emotions and I just need someone to comfort me. I don't want anyone to laugh at me. I need someone to love me and try to understand what's going through me. I need someone to be my friend, who will extend his/her hand and take me to new joys and discover new beginnings. I need a friend right now.

I said earlier that I feel disconnected from my family. That goes with myself right now. I just don't know how to handle myself anymore. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes, I just don't want to care anymore. I feel like things are only going to get tougher and more complicated as I move to the future. It doesn't look bright for me.

Teddy

I only get to see her for a couple of days a year, but when I spent my time with the little thing, I've always enjoyed myself. I miss that dog. I love her so much. My younger sister Kimmy loves the dog to bits and pieces. She said that before the family left, the dog was crying. The dog knew something terrible was going to happen.

I hate this. They have to go through so much. It's been about two years now that they've moved down to Louisiana. They've been through so much shit. So much fucking shit with the aunt, the store and now the natural disaster.

It's such a relief to know that they made it outta there all in one piece. My family is safe and staying with my grandmother right now. Thank the higher spirits, but I have to ask them why they let my family go through all this? What kind of test is all this? Maybe it isn't so good that I'm so far away from them. Before, it use to be the very thing I wanted. I hated the control that my parents had on me.

What do I do? How do I be more of a family that cares but still do the very thing I enjoy? I enjoy my independence, but I also want them to know that I would do lots of things for them. I love them so much. I feel disconnected now.

I hate being up here while they're down there.