Everything is so depressing

I'm still having trouble trying to get in contact with my family. I still have yet to hear from them. Haven't heard from them for the past two days. What luck. It pssts me off that my sister updates her xanga, yet sends no email to tell me they're alright. What the fucking fuck? They could give me a little ease of mind. It's not easy to be up here in bright sunny weather and have them down there with such inconveniences.

They had to drive in a broken AC, overcrowded van for about 16 hours. That's horrible! One night that I managed to get ahold of them, it was midnight and they were tired and sleeping. Fucking sis was too sleepy to talk. sheez, can she tell me that she's ok. ok, so maybe i'm overreacting and being a big baby about all this. But I'm up here feeling helpless, my supposedly best friend isn't helping in the least. She acts as if it's no big deal. Maybe it's my attitude that is giving off the "it's no big deal" demeanor. But hell, a little hug would be nice.

I'm just feeling a little lonely these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying my classes and my job. Where does all my time go? I still try to make time to do the thing I love to do and that's to come and surf through my fav links. But I kinda miss the hugs and kisses and the compassionate feelings from somebody. Am I that hard to get along? Why do I send off signals that seem to say "get away from me"? It frustrates me to no end that people that I love just don't get what I want from them.

I need some phone calls and some messages of love.

I need some hugs, maybe even a little sympathy or assurance from my friends.

I've found that the area that my family resides in is one of the worse struck places. It's hard to believe that there might not be anything there when we get back. Everything has been water damaged. The whole house submerged up to rooftops. One of my most cherished--my baby pics, I believe to be all gone now.

Well, i hope my family is holding up well. I know this whole situation is going to put a lot of stress on my parents. I love them so much, I hope they know that. I hope they know that I am thinking of them and silently sending them telepathy messages that everything is going to be okay. They're in good hands. They're safe. What we lost were just material things. It's a blessing in disguise is what I am telling them. It would be 2 months before my sisters can get back into the swing of school and classes again.

It's so depressing. Everytime I flip on the news or look through google about my hometown and what's going on with the hurricane. I see so much disaster and stories of people going to get saved, people left stranded with no food or water. Death toll to be estimated among in the thousands. My god, it's freaking depressing.

Dilly of the Pickle

News reports that houses are under 20 feet of water. Houses and business buildings destroyed and some left untouched.

I wonder where my little pup is swimming. My family is headed for my hometown where I was born.

Jeez, natural disasters and my family stuck in the middle of it all. My baby pictures are probably destroyed. That I don't think I can ever get back. I wonder how bad it looks down there. It's hard to think about.

I just hope that by some miracle, some good will in fact come out of this ordeal.

Maybe I'm not expressing enough guilt or sadness. I just know that no matter how sad or how many negative thoughts I have, it's not going to make anything better. So for now, I'm just taking in the now and worry about the things that are here with me. That's my coping mechanism for now. I miss my family.

Shaking

My fingers are shaking as I write this. I'm worried about my family. It's so hard to reach them on the cell phone. They need to call me.

Winds as high as 145 mph ripped into New Orleans. Luckily that wasn't the worst that the storm could've dealt. Hurricane Katrina went down to a category 4 last night and when it plowed onto land became a category 2 hurricane.

So for sure my house got hit. I'm worried about my puppy. I think she's gone now. I think my puppy is swimming somewhere... I want to cry now.

Fears and Worries

My family is currently evacuating from the shores of Louisiana in an attempt for higher safer grounds. They're now heading for Baton Rouge. I'm worried for them. I feel like crying and my stomach is flooded with worries. So much hatred for my aunt. She was the cause of my family moving south. This is the second year my family is in Louisiana, and this is the second time they are fleeing from a hurricane. Hurricane Katrina is now a Category 5, the highest on the scale that they have to rate hurricanes. The hurricane is headed straight for New Orleans.

I got worried sick trying to get a hold of family this morning. I couldn't reach them, cell phones weren't helping. I finally got through half hour later. They're safe for now. Thank you. Thank you so much. My parents had to go pick up my sister at her college dorm about an hour away.

I just hope they will be safe.

I'm worried about my puppy back home.

I miss her

Just be in love and I'll kiss you like you've always wanted
Just close your eyes, I'll still live as if I'm dying

If I don't make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don't make you feel anything than it's me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes and I'll kiss you like there's no tomorrow

If I don't make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don't make you feel anything then it's me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now, so deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close to the fourwall headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

--unknown

Getting into the rush of things again

I worked for an hour today. Then I went to get my chem minor papers signed. I don't have class until 7 pm tonight. It's a 2 hour course. Not too bad. My first day of classes was yesterday. My day started at 11 am and ends at 3:15. I enjoyed it immensely.

My rhetoric professor delivered a great speech on what going to study at a university should be all about. Well, you and I know that people go to college for many different reasons but particularly to get a good education, to increase our literacy and learn the different views that's out on this world. He mentioned something about to come to college to 'self-generate' a sense of self and we invent ourselves. I thought it was a great speech. I definitely agree with him, I realize that now. This would be my 4th year at the university and I already feel old. I'm gonna take this year nice and slow. Definitely have to have fun and do great. I want straight A's, certainly learn a lot of great new things. That's what I want. The beginning of school year is always a time of anticipation and exhiliration of everything new.

I have also realized that reading and writing blogs has given me a sense of accomplishment. It's a good feeling. I feel more intelligent and connected with myself and the rest of the world. Of course, I still have no idea how to deal with the html stuff, but the skills and what I know thus far has served its usages. If ever I have a need to learn more html, I will do so.

A rush of posts to the blog

damn!!!!!!! what the FUCK?

there's a whole bunch of traffic to my blog with people advertising. in the last ten minutes there's been about an increase of 20 counts of my blog-hits and someone/something leaving behind advertisements. those are automated right?

I don't know what the heck is going on but it is freaking annoying me.

STOOOOOOP the traffic!!!!!!!!! *HOLDS UP A STOP SIGN IN BEWILDERMENT*

Sub ---Art

this site features some pics and art exhibits that are in subway and transportation stations around the world. it's a great site to checkout. the art is really pretty!

One Pink Eye

Every year I get a pink eye. Seems like that time of the year again. jeez. It's infected, it's all red and tearing up. Luckily I have some drops for the eye. ^_^ That pleases me. I'll just pray also that my body will assemble my immune system up and be ready to fight these germs and bacteria.

I was talking to my sister this morning. She said that I sounded content. I think I am. I love being content with my life. ^_^ I like this. I could go on like this for a good amount of time. ^_^ hmm.

Despite Pessimism

Today I had a very pessimistic conversation with my good friend R. All about my contemplation with suicide. She was right however, I wouldn't voluntary take my own life. Although I won't say never.

I don't remember how we got into the conversation. But she asked me a good question "Is there anything on this world that would hold me back from taking my own life?"

I thought about it long and hard.

And said, "No, not really. There's nothing here on this earth that I'm dying to try to achieve, experience, or attain."

I don't need a big house, fancy car or all the money I can get, you can't take it with you after death anyway.

I really don't think so. Ever hear that saying, "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Well that was my justification. Although in a more pessimistic way. The way I see it is that, the more you understand, the more you DON'T know. There's no point to it. It's easier to just lay among the dirt of this earth and call that the natural beauty of life.

Only thing holding me back right now is my consideration for the love that my family and friends have for me. Yeah, I know that if I take my own life. My 3 younger sisters would be disappointed, my parents would be hurt and my friend R would be hurt as well. I know they love me, they love me more than I deserve to be loved.

On the bright side of things, I feel as if I have found peace in myself. I was given a good life, it isn't in my right to ask for more either. I was born into the best family the world can offer me, given the best and comfortable life I was given. Have enjoyed some of my best life's moments thus far, I really couldn't expect more. I'm at ease with it all. If God were to ask me if I wanted to move myself aside and let someone who has never experienced what I have experienced, I would do so immediately. Let them take my spot. I feel like my life has been an overjoy.

Yes, we can all point out there there are plenty of things I still haven't seen or done. Differences that I still have yet to make. But I don't see a point in it at all. No matter how much I do, there will be so much more to do. We all die anyway. There is a possibility that death is only the beginning, and I won't hold it against anybody if in fact it was my time to leave.

Frankly though, with all the argument and contemplating with R, it just makes me feel like this life ain't all it's cracked up to be. Fuck it. I want to leave it all behind already.

It'd be selfish and mean for me to leave it all behind, but it's only an occurence that will hit the ones I love for a small period of time and life will continue on. It always does.

Clever Writing

If you've never visited Gapers Block, then I suggest you do. It's a web publication and lots of fun stuff to read.

The point of this post, however, isn't just with Gapers block. I just wanted to share with you my love of clever writing....Everywhere! I do love the english language. The writing and speaking of it. Ways in which a person may express themselves, it is in itself an art form. Of course there are the poems, the song lyrics, essays and compositions. Those are only the tip of the iceberg! There's so much to the english language, and I am always appalled at how a person uses the english language to express themselves. It's simply marvelous!

I can pick up a book or article and read it and be entranced in a person's writing. There are so many creative ways to write and many more to clearly express feelings, emotions and ideas across in words. Words and says can be used to hurt, to love, to feel, to express, to generate and facilitate activities. Indeed, I marvel at the prospect of how smoothly language makes our everyday lives so much more enjoyable!

One of my life's aspirations is to be a better writer. Practice makes perfect, hence my everday updates with writing in this blog. There are tons of great writers out there and I feel that if I don't try and perfect myself at it, I will quickly fall behind and will feel incompetent and will resent myself for it. It's not an easy task though. I don't know why it is that I find it hard to find words to clearly express my feelings and thoughts. Perhaps it's because everything I write in this blog are first drafts. That I would need to read over these first drafts and correct them and reread them again and using my ever-resourceful thesaurus. But, I wonder if I am missing something?! I feel as if I can never fully wrap up my topics and adequately explain what I first wanted to post about.

Is writing also a challenge for the thousands of blog writers out there? If you happen to be one of them, please post a comment and write to me. Share some suggestions at how I can be better at this. It would be so great!

Anyways, I am working on it. Hopefully, years from now, I can look at the writings I do nowadays and see that I have improved from elementary to something like professional writing. That's an ambition.

Gained Weight

Not good, Not good!!! I gained weight!! Oh my freaking!!! Why do I gain weight at the slightest daydream of a donut?

Maybe I shouldn't be mad at how efficient my body is tucking away the calories I am consuming. I should be mad at the lifestyle I have undertaken ever since I've gotten back to my apartment. Basically, it's been eat, sleep, surf the web. And when I say eat, I've been indulging in practically e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Telling myself that it's ok.

On the other side of the argument, I have been working out. I'm telling myself that muscles weighs more than fat.

Nice attempt at fooling myself eh?

This sux.

I feel fat.

ugh

thoughts of the future

I'm thinking of my future again.

There are so many possibilities.

Many good things that I can do.

One in particular that I've been looking at the website of for the past hours. Institute for International Cooperation and Development

wow, the amount of help that I could do with this program is so inspirational to my sense of being.

I'm having doubts about what skills I can offer them. I don't know if there is anything special about me! Gosh, this isn't the time to be doubting myself eh? Ok, so I just the motivation that I want to help and be a part of them. That's what I want to do. I want to speak to an actual person who has volunteered with the program. To get a better picture of everything. It sounds so wonderful!

I know my parents would be so disappointed in me when I tell them I want to do this. Especially so close to graduation. I know what they want me to do. They want me to find a job that makes good money so that I can support myself. That kind of life sounds too easy! There's no sense of adventure and challenge. Besides, following that kind of life makes me feel as if I'm wrapped up in my own head.

I know there are jobs and things I can do that I could easily support myself.

In my future, I know that I don't need a lot of money, I don't need a big house, I don't need a gallant life. That doesn't mean anything to me. I want to help those who are underpriveliged. That's what I want to do.

I want to see the third world countries with my own eyes. I don't want to give them pity with my eyes, but the help that I can give. Developing programs and opportunities for those kids. I can do it. I just need the training. Lo and behold, the program takes care of that. They do training and after that, everything else is learned first-hand. Can you imagine all that I will pick up? The experiences? The joy. gosh, it's mind-blowing.

Blah Days

I go to a work orientation this upcoming Saturday.

The past few days have been 'blah' days for me. I don't really have anything rolling for me except for when classes starts.

I've been staying up late with R. Yeah. Both of us have been majorly flirting with each other. Hugging, cuddling, kissing each other's necks and cheeks. Just not the lips.

hmm, I really can't say what's really happening between us.

Sunday night we agreed that we don't want to revisit the past. I remember thinking, yeah, the past still holds a lot of pain and resentment for me. I don't want to do it all over again. It's awful memory. It still hurts.

So what is it then?

Nothing really. I don't really want to define our relationship. I like things the way they are. With lots of flirting and no defined relationship other than we're both really great friends. That's how I like to see it now.

Today I Wondered...

Last night I bit R. It was just a playful bite. Then she comes and made the comment, "You know that turns me on."

I didn't say anything. Just pretended that I didn't hear her.

So R looked at me. And said, "What?"

"Nothing."

"What are you thinking?" She asks.

"Nothing!"

I thought about it a little. Then I said, "I know who got you into that."

I got upset that little incident and left the room. Went into my room and surfed the web a little. S was the person who use to bite R.

Last night, I realize that I hate the past. I hate what S and R had in the past. I get wired up and upset that R liked S for so long and they both built a relationship that cannot be taken back. Secretly, I wish it were me instead of S. I can feel the blood rushing to my head when I think about S. Everyone that knows the three of us would agree that S is a real nice and sweet gal.

"It's just a front." I would think to myself.

I just can't get over the fact that I can't get over what has happened in the past. I 'm still coming to terms with it after so much time. Well, it's been about 2 months now since my relationship with R. Why everytime I think of S, I get this tight knot in my stomach and I feel my piss-y side coming out of me. I can't stand hearing her name, i can't stand hearing her voice, or anything about me. I hate what she as done to my life, i hate what had happened in the past. How she was strongly part of it, yet never there. Funny that in a situation like this, it should be R that I am mad at. But nope, things are good between me and R these days. But not S.

I figured that after this year. After I graduate and all, I'll be done with all this drama. I'll move back to Chicago and live my life where ever it decides to take me.

I've decided that I won't talk to S and R as often anymore. I don't like being friends with them simply because they disappoint me time after time.

How Do I Love Myself

I was recently asked by a friend off a messageboard how do I love myself under such contexts and thought I definitely have to share this with my blog. Under such topics, what are some of the ways that I express love for myself. I learned and realized a little bit more about myself as I wrote all this out. It actually made me feel really proud to know that I love pampering myself.

a) After a Heartbreak- I do a lot of writing. Settle my thoughts out and reason with myself. Getting in touch with myself again.

b) In my home environment, I like to surround myself with all things I consider beautiful and all things that helps me express myself. On the walls of my room, right now I have a lot of pictures of flowers and roses.

c) My values; I realize them by writing a lot, listening to music, and exercising. When I get to work out, I feel like I'm pampering myself and giving myself love in taking care of my health. I get to think a lot about my values and why I do the things I do when I work out. That's the kind of thinking I do when I'm running. hehe

d) Grooming - refreshing smells. I like to be clean and I love my hair. I love showers with a good scrub and a floral smelling soap, tasty citrus toothpaste, lotions. Perfume, makeup...Makes me smile and love myself all the more when I get to do all ths for me.

e)Food - I eat good things that would nurture my body. Days when I want to indulge, I'll eat to make my conscious happy. I'm lucky enough to be able to eat what I want...and exercising helps balance things out a little too ^_~. I like to know that I'm taking good care of my body.

f)Friends. I like to surround myself with good-hearted, genuine people. I like to learn about them, converse with them, play games and spend time on the phone with. It makes me feel good that I have good friends to be with. That's loving myself.

g) Family - I like to tell them that I love them. It gives me a warm feeling, and from the bottom of my heart I really do. Even though there are times when I can't stand them. They're still family. ^_^. I love getting phone calls from my sisters or mom and dad.

h) Thoughts - I cherish them. I write them down. I love myself for them.

of course, on the negative side. Things don't always work out. There are many times when I am too harsh on myself and don't give me the time of the day. Like my shyness. Yes, when I'm in a big social setting, I can be quite shy. I would beat myself up for it. And then I realize and still realizing that we can progress when we are hard upon ourselves. With all the negativity, that's all I'll be thinking about. If I give myself the positive thoughts and work from there, perhaps there would be more progress.

My Sister, Vicki

Sisters, you do gotta love them from the deepest, most bottom of your heart, that with all the love you can give it seems to fill your heart with warmth and tender loving. My sister Vicki, sent me bannana bread. She is a baker and when i went to go see family back in May she made some amazing bread. Ones' that can keep in the freezer and once you pop them in the toaster, yum comes out of the toaster.

I remember the younger days when I use to beg my sister Vicki for some of her food. I would finish mines really fast and my sister the one who likes to eat something slowly and savor them while I gobbled up mines. Yes, I would beg and beg to have some of hers. And she did actually give some to me. You think as kids you'll forget that stuff but no, I wouldn't forget her kindness.

She baked for me. I just love her.

She's starting college this fall. She just got braces last week. Called me up crying. Saying that she has no pretty features about her. She was feeling really sad, down and depressed about her looks. She has nothing to cry about though I tell her. Yeah, braces can be awful but they are permanent. They will be taken out in two years time and her teeth will be beautiful. She has a beautiful heart. She's wonderful company. Always lovely with her sense of humor and with admirable qualities. There are few good people on this world and my sister Vicki is one of them. I love her to death. I would do anything for her.

Internet Access

I have finally gotten my internet back! yes! There was a little blackout on Sunday morning and since that day my lil modem wasn't receiving any signal. But I am glad to say that I finally have it back now...yay!

I can't say anything significant has happened...

Relations between me and R have been going very well since that night I text message her. To tell her that I have let go of most things.

I don't know if it's her playful side or if it's her flirting with me. I don't know it. I'm a bit confused.

But I like the attention.

She finally gave me my birthday present yesterday night. She and a friend went out to pick an earring and a toe ring for me. See lately I've been having a toe ring and my toe nails had a nice manicure on it. My toes look quite dandy and pretty I might say. So with the toe ring, my feet looks fabulous. I think R likes it too because she's been wanting to grab my feet and try on my toe ring, always making comments about my toes or my toe ring ... and that she bought me a toe ring for my toes...hmm, must be a compliment! yay!

She bought me a really nice earring too, they're real pretty. I like them, it makes me feel special, ^_^.

Sleepless in the Night

I was thinking about her again. Last night. At 3:36 AM in the morning. Wishing how things could be a little different. And then, with all my might in me, I forgave her. I don't know how it will sit with me for the next couple of days but we shall see. We'll see if I get angry at her again. I wouldn't want a friendship of 7 years to go to ruins because of bad decisions. Decisions that was made and really couldn't see what the future would hold for us.

As the saying goes, there's always something to be learned after every heartbreak. I can't say what it is that I've learned thus far, wait and see a couple of years and we'll see how I reflect upon it.

Been listening to a lot of music and reading lately. Thinking about her.

Last night, I thought about how much I miss her hugs, warm embrace. Her tender lips. And I imagined kissing her again. How her thin, cold, soft lips would feel upon mines. I wondered what it'd be like to hold her hands again, to lay next to her in bed and wondering about myself in our blissfulness. It was all like a fantasy to me. I miss loving her. I don't feel so angry anymore when I think of loving her. I miss her. I miss her so much.

And I sent her a text message. I know it's not the best form of communication, but I just had to let it go in my heart. Let her know that I still love her the same. That I understand better now what she meant when she said we weren't meant for each other..

*sigh* How next time in the future I'm gonna think upon my college years, I don't know. I can't wait til I graduate and go back to Chicago. Maybe things will be different once I get away from all this. I stuck by our friendship long enough and I'm ready to move onto different things.

But my mind keeps on going back to the whole thing about 'consistency.' I believe in consistency. That no matter what happens, that as long as you stay consistent to whatever it is you believe in, good things will come from it. And I think that's why I'm staying consistent in this friendship for now. I only have this last year to live with them two and perhaps never again in this lifetime, I shouldn't spend the time being mad. Of course, things have forever changed and I can't blame anybody for it.

The say and everyone's say

I do love forums and messageboards. I haven't gotten into them for the longest but just recently I've been going back to one that I haven't been a part of for so long. If you're up for a good one and it's for the lesbian interest, I suggest to you: www.shoe.org

There's a lot of interesting topics and reads and fun people to meet. I do really enjoy the gay culture, there's so much to learn and so much identity along with the daily struggles that everyday life and our society throws at us.

I started my first messageboard when I was in high school. One of the first places I visited as soon as I was introduced into the whole internet and the world wide web. My best friend told me to come and be part of a gaming community. Along with all the gaming topics we also talked about life, argued and debated over issues and society. I read a lot and learned a lot from them. The board has since calmed down and almost everyone has left, it's kind of sad.

But presently being part of Shoe International. What else can I say? *smiles* It's a pleasure to read thoughts and comments from other lesbians around the world. To read what their opinions on life is and to figure that hey, I'm not so different after all. It helps me learn about myself and lets me voice my opinions on things that I might not have even thought about.

I have learned that although there may be some that are made up of the same cells and tissues that makes us human, the very essence of our brains truly take us apart from one another. No two persons are alike in respect to lifestyle, thoughts, personality, history--all of which makes us who we are. It's funny that because of that, we are so different from one another. Our maturity for one thing sets us apart from a lot of others in our age group while at the same time brings others who are very different int our arena also. Am I making sense to you? It makes perfect sense in my head. lol

I must say the Gay culture has done itself quite well.

On a side note of my mentioning how well the gay community has brought for itself. I'm very lucky to be able to say that Chicago has a lot of opportunities to get involved for the gay community. Although there needs to be more for the girls. Gay isn't just all about boystown, ya know. I'm starting to wonder where have all the lesbians gone?

yes, back to the gay subject and chicago. If we were to look, it's a city buzzing with activity for the gay minds. There's a lot of non-profit to volunteer with, community awareness as well as the health awareness. It really brings a warm feeling in my heart to know that Chicago has an area where it's very gay friendly, when i see the rainbow flags hanging on the windows. There's public media, like gay magazines to read and to see what's happening around town. There's sooooo much! It's a great place to be a part of. One of the many reasons I love being a Chicagoan.

A Drunkie

It's about 4.36 pm right now. I just mixed myself a drink, a really good one too. So, I'm writing this a little buzzed. I never tried getting buzzed during the daytime before so I did it today. This drink is mighty good. yum. Not sure why I wanted to drink, it was a spontaneous thing. Decided to give it a try. ^_^ Good stuff. Mix some raspberry vodka, some sprite and some cranberry juice together. Crack some ice and enjoy!

I just ate too, made myself some pasta with sardines. It's a good combination if you've never tried before. I just sauteed a little onions, popped some sardines, a little of salt and sugar and some pepper is optional. Then you top it on some rotini pasta. Play around with the recipe a little. It's a mighty good taste for the tastebuds. Oh yeah, and some tomatoes too.

wow, my head is feeling a little warm. I'm feeling that glow you get in the head.

I'm thinking of taking a shower next. Ever tried showering while drunk? hmm, just try not to fall.

I had a good conversation with my sis last night. She hates her braces. Then again, who doesn't? right.

I'm still waiting for Aug 10 to come around so I could go and apply for a job. I need a job... desperately.