To Share With You

haha! I gotta celebrate just a little bit. *takes out some shot glasses* who will share that first shot with me?

That's it! I am member #371 for now on the chicagoblog link. Wow, it took almost 1.5 months but I finally belong to a webring. My first one! *gleams with joy* I belong somewhere. yay!

Oh and points to the sidebar. I'm not much of the html person but you gotta love my little counter. Cuz I do!

Yesterday, I spent a good 8 hours playingFF2, Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly. whoa, it's been awhile since I've planted my buttocks in front of a tv and played ps2 straight through with no disturbances. Takes your mind off things and it's a good time-killer. Yeah, where did my Saturday go? FF2, it's a great game and if you're into horror and solving mysteries, I highly recommended to ya. Nightmares throughout the night. Game best played with headphones.

Today, went to the library and sat reading, The Uncollege Alternative: Your Guide to Incredible Careers and Amazing Adventures Outside College. At first, the book got me all depressed. It spoke to me, where I could relate with that I know I don't want to go on and complete my final year of college. There's much to be learned and I feel that if I put this last year off for a later time I would cherish it better in the future. Only things holding me behind are the friends I enjoy good times with right now, my scholarship money, my lease contract with this apartment. It gets complicated and I feel like it's too late to pull myself out right now so might as well go through with the whole graduation.

A couple of things I learned from this book, I'll write down some quotes when encountering the "What Should I do with My Life" dilemna.

-You should think of 'Life' as a constant act of becoming, not a fixed place of arrival. Life isn't a race. Take your time. So keep your chin up and don't be sad about not knowing, it is these moments that you ARE open to possibilities and many happenings around your life. And the whole trick to life is to continually explore what you're passionate about. People of all ages are doing this everyday. The general belief that by the age of 'after college' you're suppose to know who you are and what you want to do with yourself, but that's not true at all! It's all on a continual basis of living and learning. The only real job you have for yourself in this lifetime is to have a fabulous life. You give yourself the meaning of what life means to be great and fabulous. And last but not least, please remember: You're not here to have an "I got through it" life. Life is to thrill you. So on your tombstone, you'll want it to say, "It was beyond my wildest dreams and I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world."

After reading these couple of lines of advice, it makes me feel a little better. So I told myself, alright this last year I'm gonna learn to the best of my ability. Hopefully with straight A's. Then afterwards, find some storage place and store everything away, go on and do some traveling, some exploring and living. Maybe live for a couple of months on a cruise ship. Find some more strength in myself. Find my strength, motivation, inspiration and a sense of self somewhere out there. That makes me feel just a little bit better. ^_^

I'm smiling in my head right now if you can't tell.

I love taking walks, so I took a nice long walk home. Beautiful day it was.

Now I'm thirsty and must go get a glass of water. Ciao.

Listening to the sounds of Life

Well to be more specific, Music. Do you gotta love them!

There's such a variety out there. So much to enjoy, relax or dance to. Music makes my life that much more enjoyable. It brings the essence into the little moments when you're daydreaming, it sometimes may speak the words that your mind or heart is feeling. Music, to celebrate the life we live and to make life a little more bearable when times get rough. I love listening to music even when I don't understand the words. The musical tunes just carry me off and have me daydreaming about my past, present or future. It helps and makes me think.

It can get frustrating a little that even if I listen to the song a gazillion times, i have this little disfunction where I can't remember the whole of the lyrics. I have to go and search for the words and literally sit there and memorize. I don't know why my brain just doesn't absorb the words. Maybe I'm just so in tune to he tunes. haha.

Music can be anything around you. It could be the droning of the fridge, the waves of the ocean, the morning calls of birds or the night-time rendezvous cricket calls. If you would sit and listen, you will find a pattern and some kind of tranquility in the rhythmic sounds.

I just love music. It's a blessing, yes that's what it is.

For Confusion's sake...

I'm such a confused little thing. I don't know where I want to lead my life unto.

I want to go into the health field arena but there are so many choices there-in. How do I do it all?

I want to become a doctor in Osteopathic Medicine, I want to pursue a degree in Public Health, I want to work abroad in Great Britain for a bit and I want to be part of Public Allies. I realize that doing any of these would bring lots of different changes into my life and I can't even say what is going to happen afterwards. There's so many choices and decisions I need to make I want to take a deep breathe away from it all.

Life is always about our decisions, choices and what we want in our lives. I'm privileged enough to have been offered these choices and opportunities but there's so many that I just don't know where to turn to, to tap into my inner ability and find a career path that I would like to hone my skills onto.

Gosh... I'm so confused right now.

Violence

http://www.kcavp.org/pressReleases/2005/20050718.htm

This story just disgusts me. It's horrible how people can be so cruel. Such bigots. And to think it was a woman who was weilding the bat and beat the couple up. What did the woman think she would accomplish by beating up the couple because the couple was a gay couple? I feel such anger against those who can still be so stubborn to accept differences in this world. Jeez.

Roses are red

Yesterday night I took apart my calendar that has pictures of Roses and placed them up on the walls of my bedroom. They're so pretty. I just love roses.

I laid down on my bed to observe my decorations. I started thinking of her again. My mind keeps on thinking of her. I thought about the past, I imagined myself in her room, hugging and holding her again. Everytime I look at her I want to kiss her soft lips and just hug her. I haven't hugged her since I got back yet. We use to hug everyday even when we weren't together. There's no more affections in our relationship.

On the other side of my mind. I don't want to ruin anything. I don't want confrontations or anything that would complicate my life further.

I wonder if she thinks about me.

I'm mad that I'm still so hooked onto her. I need to grow up, I need to let go. Fuckin just let go.

I found this somewhere but I forgot where so I feel bad that I can't give the author credit. If you do know where I found it please let me know. It's a great poem though, makes me feel the women in me.


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Time to reconcile

ahhh, so it's been two days that i've been back in the apartment. I ask myself what am I doing here?

flashback to sunday when I was getting ready to come back to apartment. I was in another city and stuck in an elevator. The first thought to myself was, "Oh no, I won't see R!"

I can't believe how pathetic I am. jeez. I know I haven't gotten over her yet. Over the two days whenever we talk, I am reminded of how much I miss her, how much I want to be her but I can't do anything about it. I wish I could change the hands of time and go back to those old days when we were still together. I miss those moments, I would hold her and never let go. I just know that she isn't the one that is right for me. She's inconsiderate, selfish and, right now, just can't be bothered with a relationship. I know her flaws. I know it. I see it through all the years that I have known her but I still don't know why I still have a yearning feeling for her. What is this that I am feeling? No, it's not love. It's lust. It's anger that I can't be with her.

Solution: I need to reconcile with myself. I need to put closures to this whole situation.

No, actually, I need a job. A job to get me outta this apartment and keep me busy while I'm away from all this. while i heal from all this.

HOME!

well, it wouldn't be exactly home. But here is where i have my own room and my own bed. I can't wait till i get to lay on it and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I really missed being back on campus and doing the things that I regularly did while I was still in school. I missed having this big bed of my own. ahh, blissfulness I say.

Being back in this little mini apartment makes me feel fine.. haha, I love it. thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to have my own private space. maybe i'm going a little overboard but it makes me feel womanly. haha. and getting back on the internet before my brain turns to mush. haha. I'm just so happy to be back. I didn't think i would be but when i was so close to home I realized I missed my bed and apartment.

What's importante these upcoming months?

Today is my last day of this program. I'm actually excited now to go back to Chicago, staying with one of my good friends. I don't really have solid plans on what I will be doing but at least it'll be something different. Being here for the past 6 weeks has been great but hasn't been as intense as I had hoped it would be. It started off with lots of hopes and grilling on the MCAT preparation but it wasn't enough. I found myself diligently 'researching' on-line into people's lives and my life rather than getting into what the Medical school here was offering me. My excuse: healing myself. Before I got to here, I felt as if my life was falling apart and I didn't have the motivation, inspiration that I knew I had in me. It's still like that but a little better. I think I'm going to do more group therapy when I get back onto campus. I need that at this time in my life.

Goals to focus on this fall (listed in order of priority, 1st things 1st!):
-Get smart. Read and educate myself.
-Live drama free with R and S.
-Study for the MCAT (hopefully, but a must do)
-Work on my self-esteem and my pride
-Work soooo hard in class. Get great recommendations. Must go to Office Hours.
-Get a job ( doing something fun, like the coffeeshop or a restaurant)
-Working out
-Volunteer with Red Herring (it's a vegetarian restaurant)
-Fill out an application for this summer program in Italy
-Volunteer at the nursing home or the Crisis Nursery Center
-Hang out with Anh and Arlyn, if not then I can use my email~~~!!
-Use my over 21 privileges, mix some kick-ass drinks. once in a while (goals of a bartender, haha)
-Maybe get into the Coming Out Support Group or the LGBT Students of Color

While doing all that in the process I will:
-Find myself
-Find my happiness
-Find some knowledge
-Make some best friends again.

In the spring:
-Apply for the April MCATs? or August?
-Apply into Public Allies and start the interview process.

A song for her

"Used to think that I would be so sad if you ever walked away. Used to think I needed you so bad. Did I say that I'd never leave you behind? Well, just keep treating me unkind 'cause fool I'm a woman and I'm bound to change my mind.

With a woman it's imperative you show her that you love her. If you don't it's her prerogative to change like the weather. I'm seeing the signs. You know I use to think love was blind. Well, fool I'm a woman and I'm bound to change my mind.

You used to tell me so many nights you don't deserve me...well, maybe you were right...."

sara evans/matraca berg

The Sun says it all too clearly

I love reading beautiful literature. Anything that can be said in so many words that makes so much sense.

Well here goes my answer that I needed and even some things I've been thinking about when it comes to my confrontations with God.

This is a little bit of what comes from Sy Safransky's Notebook/ the May 2005 issue from The Sun Magazine:

"Maybe the Question isn't whether I believe in God but whether God believes in me. Am I the kind of man God would gladly introduce as one of his divine creations? Would I know just the right thing to say, or would I blurt out something embarrassing about the suffering in the world? ... Everyday thousands of people die because of malnutrition or disease or storms or droughts or fires or falls or pestilence or war. And those are just the human deaths. It's anyone's guess how many sentient beings are sacrificed on the alter of humanity's appetite for flesh or fur or cosmetics that don't irritate our delicate skin. Isn't it better to acknowledge the suffering than to turn away from it--or, even worse, to try to make sense of it? C.S. Lewis wrote: "Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

This little excerpt is able to say it so well. The very things that I had questioned Samantha, Merrine, anyone who has ever gotten into a conversation with me about accepting God in my heart. Why mask our suffering and point to it with the explaination that everything is all but God's way and plan. Why cover it with all sugar and icing. I have been living the life I have lived for the past 21 years and I haven't found anything wrong with my reasoning. Everything Tasha tells me that it can be explained through God's Love. Yes, times when I find my life hard it's great to have someone who loves and understands you. But along with accepting His love comes other things that is explained by his way. I liked the way I have been explaining to myself. I have found my reasons and ways to approach my problems have kept my conscience clear and have made me the person I am today. I am proud of who I am and I really don't need all that Jazz that comes with God.

Forgive me if I may have offended anyone's religious beliefs.

Think about her. Then repeat.

No matter how many times I keep saying it over and over in my head. It doesn't help.

I'm going back to Chicago this Friday. And am absolutely dreading it.

I don't want to go back and see R. I don't want to go back and have to put on a smile and pretend I'm happy.

I make excuses in my head that what R and S did to me, I have every right and every reason to be angry and frustrated and bitter at them. That if they wanted to start our friendship over, I just gotta step back and say no. I can't be friends with them anymore. I don't like what they did to me. I hate what they have done to me. I hate that I'm still bitter. I hate that I can't get over the fact that that was what had happened.

They could have given me more respect and my dignity than do what they had done. They could have done that. They could have thought a little more about me. I've been friends with them for a long while now. I'm sure they know how far I would go for them for the sake of our friendship.

I remember when I left them alone last year because I wanted their relationship to work. I didn't want to have a 3-way relationship. It was what I felt our lives were gonna turn to if I kept hogging around and kissing R. So in my hurt and jealousy, I left them to their lives. I wanted to see little of them as possible. I still did try to call and see them every once in a long while. I was hurt. I told myself to get over R. and in a sense, I did. In thinking about our friendship, I came back and signed a contract to live together our junior year. Telling myself that things were no biggie, I have to get over my big ol' romantic self. In a sense, I did. I guess, in my head I keep asking why S wouldn't leave me and R alone when our relationship was working. . .? Was S really that selfish? I may act like I'm strong on the inside, but that doesn't mean you could still do the things you do to me. That still doesn't give you the right to try to take us down by hurting our hearts.

Till this day, the human emotions and compassions I still question. How does a person find it in themselves to be nice. Their greatest and goodest of all intentions comes from where? By the word of God and thus they follow? or is it really from all reason and heart that a human being finds it in themselves to be good to others.

Yeah, Tasha said it gets hard at times. I couldn't agree more. It does get hard to stay true and be honest with yourself when your friends have abandoned you.

last night I was thinking, when Mr. Life throws events, confusions, dramas into your way. Don't you just wish you also had the power to throw it back to his face? Yeah, that's right Mr. Life. At times like these, I just want to shove it back, throw it back with the meanest of mean and the strongest of strong.

How long have I been overdue to break down?

Not Alone Again

I don't want to sit around tonight on a Friday night not doing anything. I want to go out and dance.

I'm driving myself nuts.

Why does the dark keep the girls inside?

Everything at Once

I have some serious self-esteem issues. Either that or I AM just plain THAT dumb and it's good that I realize it.

There is such a big world out there. It's a world filled with hope, desire, dreams, passions, goodness... But it's also a world filled with accidents, evilness, jealousy and hatred. It's a world filled with people that you can touch emotionally or physically. It's a world filled with all my awes.

But sometimes, I just can't seem to grasp what is happening around me. I try and be alert. But so much happens at such a fast pace, it is a world that never sleeps because everything is happening at once. But I can't know everything at once, I can't know who is feeling pain, who is feeling lonely, who needs a hug right now, who needs a friend...I can't do everything at once. Perhaps the only person who can truly know that is God.

I'm just at a point right now where I need to make a decision in entering the next phase of my life. I will be finishing my last year of college in May 2006 and I'm not really sure what I want to do with it next.

There's plenty of advices out there. Plenty. There's so much that it pulls me left and right and I find myself in the same position.

Yes, I do try to listen to my inner self. I ask myself: "What do I really want out of this life?"

And my answer to that really: "Everything"

I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. I want fulfillment in my being. I want to complete my spiritual being, as well as fill that bowl of life with all the knowledge I can get. I want to get the fun out of everything get the fullest satisfaction of everything.

But life does not give me much time for that. Life also does not give me much time to sit here and ponder about what I really want to do because my time is ticking.

Sounds like I'm rushing it huh? I need a goal. I need a focus to channel my energy towards to.

I've been spending a lot of my time lately on the internet. Either reading blogs or surfing for new opportunities, new knowledge (that I hope my brain will retain longer than a day/week/year), new ideas...

I want to keep myself open to everything, but it's hard to stay open to everything because it seems open means having no boundaries. No boundaries means no opinions. See, I have found in my state that in order to keep myself that open-minded girl I try to be, I have had no opinion of my own. The common saying goes, "Everyone has their own bias." Now is that right? I have tried to keep myself that nice girl I am, someone who doesn't want to step on anyone else's toes while keeping myself open. However, in finding that I have no opinion--it makes me feel as if I can't think for myself. That I let everything in and out of me so easily that I'm not even human. Who is me? Who is 'this' girl then if she has no opinion?

I need help. I need some advice. How do I live this life that was given to me?

Loving me loving her.

I should get to bed. I have class in about 6 hours and I need to get some sleep.

Today is Friday. A week from today will be time for me to leave New Jersey and head back to my apartment. The place where all the drama started. Honestly I don't want to go back there, I don't want to go back and see R and S. I'm dreading it, I'm fearing it, I'm feeling sad because it's almost time to leave my state of blissfulness that I find when I am here. Too sad, I'm too sad.

I've been sad all day and I've been reading Hothead's diary entries all the way from 2001. I'm still reading cuz I got to 2002 Nov. I feel as if I connect a lot with here, but she's a lot more intelligent than I am. Sounds real smart and mature. I love her personality. I love the way she writes too. Anyways, she goes through a lot of shit in her life and still going through some. I stopped reading at the part where a friend of hers..the only friend she made on her first semester of college campus took her boyfriend away from hothead. Hothead gave soooo much of herself over to her boyfriend. You see her boyfriend use to be her 'girlfriend.' Hothead had to put up with girlfriend struggles with her identity, then had to put up with girlfriend not loving her, then put up with girlfriend transitioning into a boy. Can you imagine how screwed up that could get??! Then, just when Hothead has settled into her new identity as girlfriend of a past girlfriend who turned boyfriend. The boyfriend leaves hothead for the only friend Hothead had made on campus!! Talk about backstabbing-life-is-absurd-shit! Did i lose you through all this yet? But my gosh, your strength awes me. Through her diary I have found a sense of connection with her. She says a lot of things that makes me think of R.

I miss R. I miss her a lot. Miss those moments we had together. We only had 6 weeks to be together. You might know that 6 weeks is never enough for a relationship. Unfortunately I had to leave on a 9 week hiatus to see family down in Louisiana and then 6 week program in New Jersey. I think our relationship fell apart because we had only been 6 weeks into the relationship, but during the 6 weeks it wasn't without any drama. there was soooo much crap to deal with S. R had MCATs to take, and we all had finals and final projects to worry about. It wasn't easy, take the time to be together, time to study, time to clean, time to argue, time to think, time to sleep, time to eat. It doesn't leave us much time to be together. Another thing that screwed everything over was that this little love triangle was in the same freakin apartment! yes, that's right. R, S and Me we all lived in the same apartment. So drama was everywhere. I only had one night to spend with R (without the hovering presence and the guilty feeling of S being there), that was the night before I had to board flight and leave for the next 9 weeks.

It was hard, real hard. We held onto each other so tightly that night before I left. I voiced my fears of losing R. I told her how much I loved her and how much I will never let go. Told her how beautiful she was to me and that every minute spent with her was like being in heaven. She reassured me that she won't leave, that she'll be there waiting for me in the next 9 weeks. But nope, that wasn't true. In the next two nights, she had gone and slept with S. That's right ladies and gentlemen, with my freakin best friend, S!! S did know that me and R were together. R should have known better. But lemme tell you R's side of the story. R had liked S ever since senior year in high school When the 3 of us lived together freshmen year of college, R's feelings for S had outed her and lead her to realize she was who she is today and R's feelings for S continued to grow. Well, S knew all this. S just couldn't take in R's love. S said she wasn't gay! S wanted a husband, wanted kids, wanted a normal marriage. During R's year of liking and loving S, I too came out of my shell and realized that I liked R. I got jealous and all that mean green stuff. I wasn't a big baby though, i realized that R was in love with S and I really didn't want to mess that up, I didn't have anything in it for me. So I went off to live with another friend of mines sophomore year and tended to my wounds. I guess from what I know of now, during the sophomore year, R and S had somewhat of a fling. I tried my best to avoid them as much as I could cuz I was hurt and I didn't want to see anything. S and R's relationship was still very much in the closet.

R came to realize that S could never be openly gay. S was in denial. S never acknowledged the fact that R and S could be together. S sent R on such a rejection road, giving her false hopes. But R was a lost puppy and didn't want to leave S at all. R spoiled S, did everything R could to keep S happy. Till this day S is still spoiled.

Junior year (this past year), I came to realize that I wasn't going to lose a friendship over my crush of mines. So i stopped being a baby and went to live with S and R. Turns out to maybe be the biggest mistake of all times. R found out her weakness and realized that hey, S is never going to acknowledge anything, why continue to hurt myself bad like this. So in some ways more than one, R tried slowly but ever so surely to get over S. Mind you, all 3 of us stayed good friends. I found some gay friends, did my happy as I could. By this time, both R and S had known that I was also gay. This past April was when things started crackin. I came back from spring break and R and me. Let's just say everything fell into place and I fell for R again. I fell HARD!! I realized that my love for her had never went away, that R said I ever so gradually had always flirted with R. I can't deny that I did always think about R and me as being together, i wanted to be with her badly. i wanted to show her what a healthy relationship was, what it was like to be loved back in return. I hoped that she would return her love to me, or at least something. So S saw that R was falling for me and of course, she didn't like it. Not one bit. S went after R to get her back. Long story short, while I was gone in the past 9 weeks, I don't really know what happend but my relationship with R got screwed. I felt hurt, betrayed, lonely, out of my mind, left at the most bottom of the bottom pit. My heart torn to pieces by my friends, I couldn't tell anybody, it hurt so much to talk about it even though the thought of everything ran through my head day and night. I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't get my mind focused on anything. Lucky for me, the 6 week program was kind of a help. Hey i'm over in new york city, how often do i get to come here? I have met some new friends, made some new aquaintances and been having fun. Now I'm just at the realization that I only have 7 days left.

Now it's about one week before I get back to Illinois and have to see her. I wonder what the deal is going to be. I'm afraid that she will ask me to kiss her, to hug her, to love her again. That I know I cannot do for her anymore, but I want to. I want to love her, to hug and hold her and love her. Give her everything I know she deserves. I want to be a friend to her. No matter what she has done to me I feel as if I still love her the same. I miss her. Yes, I'm agree at her for leaving me and doing to me what she has done. I hate the fact that she is not the best considerate person on the world. I hate what she puts me through. But at the same time, I want her to ask me to have us back together again. I know it won't be a happy ending in that.

I'm mad at S. I'm trying to figure out whether it should be me or S who forgives the other. She sends me a friggin txt message to wish me happy birthday!! I at least had the decency to call her and wished her a happy 21st birthday. I turned 21 too. Her birthday comes a week after mines. I've known S since our first days in high school. Been friends for as long as that, dormed together in college and now living together in the apartment. I just figured that S isn't as strong as I am. She is too dependent on R and because of that weakness it has come to hurt me too. S being dependent and can't stand on her own two feet has caused R pain. In turn it has caused me pain to see R in pain. It's a trickle effect.

What do I want? Really, what do I really want? I want to be loved. I wish it were easy to find your soulmate. That way I spend my life being with her rather than looking for her. I wish she could be R, but I realize again and again that R could never be that person. She isn't the strong person that I need her to be. Yet I love her to the very existence of my soul. I know I do because I keep on letting her hurt me. I keep telling her how much I miss her and love her and how much I try to keep her in my contact and letting her know that I'm never too far.

I've been through so much shit and tried to be strong for myself in the past 2.5 years. All this has dragged out too long. I have tried to keep myself sane. Keep myself happy with happy thoughts. Contemplate on new things on life, picked up new hobbies, new thoughts, new things to learn about myself. I just can't seem to run away from R though and my love for her. She makes me happy. She really does. At night, during our nights together, I could just look at her face and feel so much love for her, feel my peace inside of me. It wasn't the 6 weeks that I realized that I loved her, it was my time and year of trying to get over her that I realized I just couldn't get over her. Even now, through so much pain because of all this, I still want her back. I know she is all wrong for me. She doesn't care for me the way a girlfriend should care for me.. she doens't think of me like that. She doesn't. It hurts to say it to myself, it hurts more that I have to internalize all this and tell myself, my heart that my love for her can never be expressed. I love her so much, you just don't realize how much. I went through so much pain for her, to try and see her happy. If things hadn't worked out between R and S, why couldn't it work for me and R.

R tells me that she isn't and can't be the one to love either me or S. R says that there's another love out there waiting for her. Wow, R says me and S are two of her best friends on this planet and we both love her more than friends could. More like lovers do. And she turns her back on both of our loves. R is angry at S, yes, that S has finally reciprocated the love that R had yearned for but was denied. Only when S realized that S was losing R to me did S come running on her tail back for R. In the process, losing my friendship and belief in S.

Turns out things are as screwed as ever. I find it life to be so absurd at times. R can't love S or me. K (me) loves R so much but knows she has to let go of this love and move on. S, is being a big baby. In the beginning of my 6 week relationship with R, I had a long talk with S, telling her that me and R may have some interest. I told S that. S said ok, that she can't love R the way R wants S to love her back so then S would be very happy for the both of us (R and me) that we could find that love and time to be together.

I'm trying to be as understanding as possible towards S. I know she was losing a friend, losing that 'friend' that had pampered and catered to S's every needs. It pissed me off to see R running around for S like a little puppy. R was S's personal chaffeur!! and R was her personal cook and household maid!! MY GOD it drove me MAD!! That's why I had to leave that sophomore year, i couldn't take it. I couldn't see R loving S so much it made R blind. I saw that love R had for S. Do you know how painful it is to see that love in R's eyes?? for another girl.

FUCK. I hate all this shit. It turns my head inside out. It churns my emotions all over. And to realize that I still love R, drives me nuts. My brain and emotions needs to start working together--is there such a thing?

Not To Fall From His Grace...or my shyness

If you read back a couple of posts, I had talked about turning to God and receiving His love to me. To let go of my hurt, pain, and heaviness and sleep a little better at night.

I've been thinking and thinking and talking and talking. I really don't like to think that turning to Christianity will be an absolute thing. I don't like how the Bible is so absolute in everything. That for life's every problem there will be a solution you may find in the Bible. But then again, it is also how you interpret the Bible's words.

I'd like to keep things the way I interpret them as well as praying to God as my spiritual side. I want to be in touch with my spirituality, to feel enlightened and feel good to know that there are times when I can leave this reality and be in His Grace. I can close my eyes and think faraway, think about Him and feel that he is listening to my heart. He knows the conflicts I am going through, He knows what problems are underlying my life and why I must go through it all. He knows why. But at the same time, I would like to let reasons be my explaination. I want to explain my own conscience why a certain hardship as befallen me. I don't like to know that I am going through a crisis, a depression, or any punishments because of a reason that only God knows.

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I hate being that shy girl that I am. Today, the lunch lady said something mean to me.

I was in line to get the "Ultimate Cafe Nachos." It was a long line and there were only two lunch lady serving the line. Well, one was serving the Mexican food and the other the Indian Food in this line and I wanted some Nachos AND some somosas. Since there were more people who wanted the Nachos, the Indian Food lady went to help the Mexican Food lady. But to get the Mexican or Indian Food, you had to stand in that one line. While the Mexican food lady was making my Nachos, I saw that the Indian Food lady was scooping some somosas for another customer. I just told her, "Oh, and I'll have some Somosas too." I figured, hey since she was there, why not grab me some too so then the Indian food lady doesn't have to run back and forth. The Mexican food lady was like, "Don't be working the two of us!" At first, I thought it was all a joke. So I grinned that stupid grin of mine and she didn't smile back she just looked at me with her seirous look. At that point, all I did was kept that stupid grin on my face and smiled back not saying a word. I was trying to be nice and just didn't want to start anything.

My point in telling you that story. Whenever I get into situations where I just can't find the words to defend myself. My lack of words makes me feel so dumb. I hate myself for that. No, maybe it's just my inside reasoning that I don't want to start a fight or anything. As of late, I just keep finding myself in situations where people are just pissing on me and I let them.

What will I do differently next time? I will stop. Hold my hands up in surrender. Politely explain that I was only thinking to save the woman the trouble of having to walk back and forth. Saves her time and effort, makes her job easier and my life easier.

It's just mean and unreasonable how some persons can just scream and yell for no reason at all. Like impatient people can get psst really easily, it just goes to show how unreasonable and stupid they could be. They're only making their life more complicated as they get psst and drive up their blood pressure levels. And those people who have to scream at strangers. Does it make them all the more powerful to be able to scream at another human like they were a child? Yes, my pride has been hurting a little and I really don't need Tasha or anybody else to defend for me. Kimberly is pissing me off, I don't like it that she just stomps on me and I don't do anything at all. Tasha is a tinier girl than me, but she feels the need to defend me. No, I don't need anyone to defend for me, I don't like what Kimberly says to me but I don't know how else to say it. "Shut up" is what I want to say but I don't want to be mean. She was mean to me which gives me the right to be mean eh? I know Kimberly hasn't been on the best of everyone's list, she's gotten into somesome between her and Val, or her and Brenda. Kimberly doesn't know how to say much else than be mean to others. I noticed that that is how she communicates and jokes with others, it's not a very effective way of joking and making friends though. I wonder if she knows that.

4th of July...and my Crazy friend

4th of July in New York was great. I couldn't ask for anything better than bbq at my roommate's house, we took the public transportation to a park on Staten Island and watched the Macy's fireworks shooting from Manhattan Island. I'll try and see if I can get some pictures from a friend. *snickers*

I had a three day weekend and it wasn't as productive--schoolwise. I got a lot of relaxing moments and a conversation with a good friend of mine who I will call Lonely.

I have known Lonely since the 7th grade. She came to America from Vietnam during 6th grade and started school that same year. She started out as someone who did not speak an inkling of English but is now fairly fluent in the English language with a heavy accent. We became best friends, we would walk home from classes together, we always had much to talk about when we were friends. Things changed after we separated since 8th grade graduation, she and I went to different high schools and different colleges. I moved out of the city for college and Lonely stayed in Chicago. But we never stopped keeping in touch, always making sure that we saw each other at least twice a year and wrote to each other about once a month.

You would think, being best friends like us we would put more effort into our friendship. Conflict in that was her dad. Lonely's mom passed away while we were in high school leaving behind Lonely, brother and father in the household. Really sad since she was the youngest girl in the house and Dad did not let her do anything that a teenager should be able to do. She had to go to school, come straight home and clean, cook, household chores, etc. Poor Lonely, she is the sweetest gal ever so even though she doesn't like her dad's control she obeyed and never rebelled. Her dad remarried again just after high school ended.

However, during the past two years ever since she got a job a year ago she has had more freedom, going out to each with a couple of friends for dinner or a movie every now and then without her dad knowing. One night this past year, she disobeyed her father and stayed out late until 2 am. But point is that she doesn't get out much and her father bogging her down with every movement she gets. Whenever father and daughter gets into any arguments, father sends her on a guilt trip saying that Lonely is trying to leave her father. She's trying to be a good daughter and do everything her dad wants her to do.

Lemme tell you, earlier this past February her older brother couldn't take the family anymore and one night after a bad argument with dad. Older brother packed his bags, paid a $500 one-way ticket to Canada. Since then has not talked to the father.

The way I see it, father is driving the whole family away. The very thing that he is afraid of. He doesn't seem to understand that his daughter is living in a different world than the one HE grew up in. She needs to get out and try out her little freedom wings but her dad doesn't allow any of that at all. She's 22!!!

ok, back to present day. I had just talked with her on the phone Friday night. She tells me that she had met a guy in California 2 weeks ago and at the end of this July, she will be going to California (all the way from the Midwest) to go and see this guy!! I couldn't believe my ears! Lonely?!?... is my crazy friend. She thinks she loves him and wants to sign a marriage agreement with the guy. Love is a great thing, humans will do great strides for a person they believe they are in love with. Her feelings of love has blinded her instinct to smell danger when it is so near.

She is crazy. She hasn't met him and her relationship with him has only been 2 weeks. They're not even b/f and g/f yet, the relationship hasn't been anything solid and he wants marriage? This is the first time a guy has given her that much attention like this and she is all over it.

I spoke to the guy on the phone that same night. He was out with friends, drinking and doing what 24 yr olds do. He doesn't have a solid job and hasn't any college education background. He's all downhill for her. He is also one very impatient being. He asks for her number on her first night of chatting with him online. He gets her to go see him in California. He asks her if she will marry him. He tells her he will never hurt her, tells her to not worry. Oh, and her time of arrival to California is midnight. She's gonna meet him in the dark?!?! Do you know where this is heading? I think he smells fresh meat and is ready to pounce.

As a friend, what do I do? How do I save her from hurting herself? Do I go with her to California? Do I tell her dad to stop her? Oh, you might be wondering where her dad is in all this planning. She tells her dad it is for a wedding and went ahead to book her ticket and now that the ticket is purchased-he can't do anything about it. Another good friend of mine suggested that I tattle and tell her dad. I will feel as if I have betrayed her--but what is betrayal over my crazy friends' safety. It's all for her own good.

Why didn't she go and get the tattoo that she has been talking about? That tattoo would be her sense of rebellion. Why go to California to risk something like her LIFE. She has never stepped out of chicago ever since moving into Chicago. The world she knows of today is the world she has been living in since her young days. Haven't gotten that taste of freedom. Along with that taste of freedom, she would have learned about the dangers that is out there. I'm so scared for her. She doesn't know the danger she is getting herself into.

Missing My Lover

The flowers you gave me,
Are just about to die.
When I think about,
What could've been,
It makes me want to cry.
The sweet words you whispered,
Didn't mean a thing.

I guess our song is over,
As we begin to sing.
Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
Could've been my lover,
Every day of my life.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right.
I'll never hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.
The memories of our lovin',
Still linger in the air,
Like the fainted scent of your roses,
They stay with me everywhere.
Every time I get my hopes up,
They always seem to fall.
Still what could've been,
Is better than,
What could never be at all,
At all.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
Could've been my lover,
Every day of my life.
Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right.

You can't hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.
Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
You can't hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.
No, no at all.
How could I hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night?

-----Could Have Been- Tiffany

Say Nice Things

I have probably just had one of the worst conversations with R that brings be closer to the "ruin my relationship with R" side of the spectrum. A relationship that use to be rated a 10 (being the highest) is now down to a 4. Pretty soon that relationship will be running a #1 or better yet, a 0.

You know, as I get older I find myself in more of the most lonely and desolate relationships of my life. Why can't I relate to others as much as I use to be able to? Why can't I find the friends that I want to keep for the rest of my life? I'm suppose to be enjoying the prime of my life right? No.

It's been about 7 weeks that we had been apart and all the drama I mentioned a little about had happened in the time we were apart. My being on the east coast and she in the Midwest. We kept our communication levels at about one phone call a week. So last time I spoke to her was about a week ago. I missed her voice, I miss her company. So she called me tonight and...

Conversation went quite well in the beginning as we both caught up with what we were busy with. Then about an hour later, just when we were saying goodnight to each other, I told her how I was thinking of with the Christian beliefs. That kind of got her upset as she says that if I do that, then being a homosexual is a sin.

Then I said,"Well, don't be psst k, I'm just only in the thought processes of it all."

R: hm..

Me: Really, don't be psst.

R: Actually I am psst. I actually gotta go psst.

Me: ok, well go psst off then.

R: You're such a bitch.

Me: Whoa, you know what I meant by that, you said you needed to pee.

R: Well, I also know what you meant on the flip side of saying that. (As she had always pointed out that I like to play mindgames)

She called me a Bitch. See, R is the kind of girl who doesn't use profanity so much. When she names someone as such she must be in one of her road rages or she has realized that person is a Bitch and will say so. I'm a bitch for telling her to pss off. She claims that her time of the month was coming around, that S has been annoying her lately also. R seems to have been easily irritable ever since the semester was coming to an end--(about month of April).

Wow, now how worse can our friendship relationship get. Or how about when she keeps parading the fact that she is flirting with one of the girls who she is volunteering with. What is that suppose to mean to me? It means that she has moved on without me. I should not be hanging onto her every word.

Candace says that there is a point in every relationship where we all must draw a line and must stick by it. That we cannot lower any standards of ours to meet any of their requirements. In this relationship, I have done it. I have lowered my standards as well as have drawn it out as a stepping rug to which I welcome all my other friends to come and freely step on it. Candace wonders why I even recall this relationship as a "friendship"--that why do I still contribute myself at all?

*sigh* I just feel like pieces and chunks of me are everywhere. I don't know where to direct my attention and focus anymore. It's a feeling that has been with me for a long time now. I feel lost and broken, not at peace with myself. Although I do try. That's part of the reason why I wanted to go to God and pray to him.

I wonder where all those days where I use to smile all the time? Where have those days gone where I remember being at a high on cloud 9? I tell myself to stop living in the past and live for the future. Words are so much easier said and to visualize than to walk its path. Can somebody lend me some strength to somehow move on? This ain't right. The life I lead is not a fruitfilled one. These are the times I wish Life came with a book of instructions.

Be True to Myself

I have always wondered why in conversations I seem to have a lack at words. Allow me to explain this a little bit. When I am (attempting) to engage in a conversation in a big group (say 5-6+ ppl) My mouth and brain shuts down and it's only the listening that I do. I just don't feel as if I ever have anything profound to say or anything to say at all for that matter! This angers and frustrates me to no end!

To give you a better picture imagine a person doing this while standing in a group conversation:

- shine that big beautiful smile of mine when there's any eye contact,
- laugh when the group laughs, or I will occasionally when I think something is hilarious, I will be the only one in the group to laugh,
- "sometimes" I will ask questions to prompt the person talking to say more thereby "acting" as if I am part of the conversation.

No doubt, I have tried on numerous occasions to stop this and try to make a point to conversate, however, when I say things, I feel as if nobody is listening anyway. So in my head that is a negative and so I give up and listen to any other funny someone else has to say. It's not fun when I cannot contribute to a conversation.

I do great when I have one-on-one conversations but yeah, there'll be times when I feel like I'm not doing so great in those one-on-one either.

I feel as if it is so hard for me to contribute in a group conversation. Maybe it's my insecurity, and I start thinking that I have nothing to add. Plus, I don't want to look stupid in a group and when all eyes are on me I get nervous and feel stupid.

As the saying goes something like: "It's better to let a person wonder about your intelligence, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Grr. I struggle with that--what I call my lack of social skills. I shouldn't beat myself up for it, I shouldn't! Shouldn't! Shouldn't! As if saying it repeatedly is gonna help any.

everything in my power to hurt myself...

why do i do everything I could to hurt myself? emotionally, of course.

it will be a continuing realization that R loves S so much. How could I have been so foolish as to get between the two of them? How did I give myself that kind of false hope??! I'm so silly. Silly Me, love is only for others. Not me.

I feel like i'm just the loneliest person on this whole planet right now. I love her more than I could ever express myself and yet, the pain that SHE has caused me hurts so much. It drives me crazy, it makes me sad, it makes me lonely, it makes me a horrible person. It makes me sit here and think about the love she has for another girl that has never been me. I had six weeks to be with R and that's that. That was all there was, 6 blissful weeks. Now it's just been a burden on my back. We all live with consequences. We All doo. How did I ever think that she could love me more than I could ever ask for? How did I fool myself to believing that? why did she let me believe that? why did she let me love her? why did she allow both of ourselves to get involved like this??? I feel so betrayed. I feel so alone. WHY THE FUCK did she start a relationship between the two of us?? I'm one of her BEST friends for goodness sake!! does friendships even mean anything to anyone anymore?

I gave her all there was of me,
i loved her with every heartbeat, i did.
and now I sit here and wonder how I could have let myself strayed.
I have no one else to blame but me.
no one to cry to but me.
no more aspirations but me to tell myself that there is more.
that the sun will shine again and I will be okay again.
that i will be able to love again.
someday.

There's something better for me out there and it's not within R. She can't handle a relationship and I can't have that. Something that I need to realize now. Why can't I just download all these good advice into my head??? Because my heart is tainted, my heart feels heavy at the thought that she doesn't care for me anymore. How does love hurt like this? Is this even love anyway? No, yeah, it is. I know I still have so much feelings for her. I miss her, i think about her all the time, wishing that i could kiss her and hold her again. But I can't...

This reality is not going to give me that. I have to keep myself from giving me that satisfaction because it is only short term. That bit of moment I get to spend with her will be an eternity of paying back my pain for loving her. This pain I have for loving someone so much.

I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad, I have nothing left but the power in me to move on.