What is that smell in the air?

Windy day today. Yet, the sun was shining and dispersing its warmth. There was a smell in the air that reminded me of my good childhood days. The smell that tells me that something good is going to happen. That there was lots of fun to be discovered and that I should go outside and find it immediately.

I haven't smelled that smell in a long time. I think the last time I remember feeling like that was sometime my freshmen year in college. That's almost 3 years ago. Ever since then my memories of the days of these past 3 years was sad, shameful memories of myself. Days that my spirit just didn't feel like being uplifted by anything. The sadness could be attributed to many things: my family moving away so far, family financial problems with the new business, my feelings for someone that couldn't be recognized, my self-esteem just crumbled downwards.

Things are a little different now. It seems to have been moving upwards just a little bit. I have a girlfriend now. My family is doing very well despite the hurricane and still existing financial problems, but their coping strategies are more effective now. My sisters are growing up, the joy I feel when I see them all grown up. My plan to graduate soon and more adventures still coming. There's a lot that I can look forward to once I make some decisions. That smell in the air is returning back to me. I had wondered when it will be that I will enjoy the sweet sunny days and that dramatic smell in the air again.

Maybe it's time for my light to shine again. There's always sun after a rainy day, they say. I'm looking forward to it very much.

A lot of busy happenings

A lot of things are going on in my life right now. I'm strutting up and getting my brain noodles to start thinking again. After a month long break away from school and studying maybe I'll perform better this semester. Besides, this is my last semester in college, I gotta seize the moment and make things happen.

I said some mean things yesterday and made her cry. It all started with her not wanting to go to the Bhangraa at the student union. It's a dance hosted once a semester by the Indian Student Association here and it's lots of fun. I try to make it every semester when I can, you learn cool new dance steps, listen to Indian music and watch the girls dress up in beautiful Saris and traditional Indian wear. Well, R is not much of a dancer and she doesn't like huge public gatherings like these.

We've discussed our differences before. She said that she doesn't want to stop me from going to the bars, clubs and going dancing --one of the few things that I really enjoy. She just won't join me. Only on rare occasions would she come. (Like maybe twice a year, out of the ten times I go). I usually didn't mind dancing with other people when I was single, it was a way for me to get to know people. But now that I'm committed and attached, my girlfriend doesn't enjoy those things. Now what do I do? I don't like dancing with someone else and having my g/f stay at home. I'll feel like I'm cheating on her. Oh and the dancing and going to bars drinking, there's a lot of flirting involved. It's tough.

So the past semester, I haven't gone out as much, I stayed at home and spent the quality time with my new relationship. But yesterday without thinking, I said, "You know, I don't know if you and me are going to work out." The moment I said it, I felt like an idiot and a jerk.

She turned around. From the side of her face, I can tell that I really struck a nerve. Her face turned pink after few minutes of silence, she said, "So you're pulling that card huh?"

I was going to start explaining why I said it. But she wouldn't hear it. She left the room and went to watch the Simpsons. I left her alone for a little bit to let her cool down for a moment. I went out to the living room, sat down next to her, hugged her from the side and started to apologize. After a few minutes, she turned to me and hid her face in my shoulder and started crying away. Gosh, I felt like such an asshole. My girl over here had to wake up 7am in the morning to go take a practice MCAT exam (an intensive exam spanning over 8 hours). She's home, feeling a little moody, not feeling too good about the exam and here I am, I just kicked her bucket of tears over.

I just kept apologizing and telling her how sorry I am, I really didn't mean to say it. I really didn't mean it. I said it out of my dumb non-thinking self. Just please... stop crying. I hugged her some more and tried to comfort her while she sobbed it up a little. When it was okay again, she still wasn't talking to me though, she wasn't mad but what I said had hurt her a lot.

After about half hour later, when she was in the kitchen cutting up some mangoes, I went to her and just hugged her again. she turned around to return my hugg and sobbed again on my shoulder. Jeez, what a jerk I am!!

R, she usually isn't emotional like this. I mean, rarely does she cry at all. Only moments when it's serious and she can't hold the tears would she let it go. This was serious.

I feared. I knew I had broke her trust, I broke all the things that I have said to her in the past. All the things that I did with her over the few months now comes all to this. Now how are we going to be a forever couple if we are so different from each other. I have told her over numerous accounts that we can me, that it's our differences that I love her. I love her sense of humor and when we cry, hug, kiss, make love. . . it touches a big part of who I am. I love her, but I've been having doubts.

All this need to be thought over some more . . . it all hasn't been explained in a few words or even a few journal entries, but it must be thought and pondered and journaled over..

But I got homework I must tend to at the moment..

to be continued...

Hey! Happy 2006!

2006 Here we go, a whoooooooooooole new year to mess things up!