no i don't think so

i don't think my relationship is working. she is pssing the hell out of me. she thinks i'm inconsiderate? she doesn't fucking ever talk to me anymore. when something bothers her, she doesn't tell me. she doesn't tell me anything, i don't know what is going on in her head. i can't be considerate if i'm inconsiderately bothering her.

she makes me look like i have the long end of the stick when i don't think so. i think she doesn't play it fair. she fucking forgets everything. she doesn't clean up in the house and whenever i don't feel like talking to her because she's been annoying me. she thinks i'm the problem. ugh, i'm so mad and frustrated at the moment. i don't know where to take this relationship anymore.

we've been having our downs lately, and the other day i told her i needed a break. i demoted my status as "girlfriend" to being "just-slightly-beneath-the-g/f" status. Then 2 days later she wants to talk to be about just being "friends-with-benefits" .. she thinks that if we don't work out in this coming year than we should look into dating other people. i think she is right, maybe it is time we look elsewhere cuz i'm just sick of her shit. we don't get along like we use to anymore. i think over the time i've gotten more critical about her and now it's just too overbearing for her. there's only so much a person can take. and i broke her boundaries of how much she can handle.

yeah, that's just it. it's not working anymore. i'm so mad at her right now!! i want to scream at her to fuck off.. i want my own apartment away from her for a couple of days. i can't stand it right now.... my blood is just boiling beneath my skin, my fingers trembling as i write this. i think to myself that i have had enough of this bullcrap.

bullseye!

i finally got the job.

i called my interviewer today to "follow-up" --she said that she couldn't give me a definite response on anything but will hear from her on tuesday afternoon. but surprisingly, she called me later this evening and said she got approval from her supervisers and I got the job! i will be coming in tommorrow to sign official papers, take the grand tour, etc. ^_^

yipp yipp!!.. my g/f and i celebrated with some good chinese food--crab rangoons and orange chicken for me! ooh..yummy!

my g/f says she's really happy for me, says that she hates it when i'm sitting around the house doing nothing. hey, i've been cleaning after her these days.

perhaps my subconscious knew there was going to be good news b/c this morning, i walked into a pastry shop and decided to treat myself and g/f with some yummy sweet treats--brownie, a slice of Amaretto Mousse, and a strawberry danish, cost: $8. yikes, a little splurging today but i don't mind, it's worth it for what i'm about to get into for my job! yayayzers!

my heart is in the spirits today. to think that this is my official real job is something worth to celebrate indeed. this is when and where i am embarking onto my career. although i do plan to go back to school for some certification, i think that getting my foot wet in this sort of job is where i want to head in my life. i look forward to a career of helping people, and hope to help them shine some light into their lives. those who deal with mental illness always feel as if they are in the dark and no one could ever understand. it's a big and heavy burden to carry. i can only hope to lighten their load a little when i tell them that i want to help them, to be there to listen to them--listen to their fears and happiness.

i wish my life was more

more passionate
more exciting
more spontaneity
...mystery....fantastic...amazing...thrilling...warm.. more ideal...more intoxicating...

and i know there is no one else to blame but me. it's all my fault. i don't allow myself the courage to live more fully, more dangerously...perhaps that would make me a more interesting person, no? i never imagined my life like this at age 22.. i thought i would have had more drunken nights, more sex, more scandal, more fights and pain. instead, when i reflect, my life has been pretty boring. save the little bumps here and there. i tell myself, "no more, you need to make it more exciting" ...but i don't know how. i'm afraid people won't like me. i'm afraid that i'm just too uptight about making things right that i can't live with excitement. you see, along with excitement, scandal and all that i mentioned above comes those nights where i just wish i was somewhere else. if you were to meet me, you'd think, "man, this girl is moving along a good path" --beginning her career, just finished college, has a great financial stability, great friends and a good girlfriend. ... it's like when life is going so well, there's a tiny part of you that just wants something shocking to happen.. something fun and out of ordinary. maybe i've just been really bored these days... or maybe waiting for that phone call (my previous post) is driving me nuts.

drunk off of life... deliriously loving life. many people say that you can't hold onto things too tightly b/c life can just let you go anytime. they're right... death can hit you just anytime, but why should anyone live and fear it? no regrets.. I said, "no regrets." yeah, that's right.

i love my family, i love my sisters, i love my girlfriend, i love my sanity...