The roles we play

I always imagined myself to be the submissive one in the relationship. The one that gets to be hugged while my partner has her arms around my waste or my shoulders. I always imagined myself to be in the passenger's seat the one who received the flowers not the other way around. It seems I find myself in the opposite role. I'm the one that is spooning her, I'm the one that feels like the dominant one. Our relationship is a weird one. She's more tomboyish than I am yet I'm the one who hugs her and comforts her in bed. It kinda conflicts with the vision I have in my head.

Turns out there's a lot of differences in the both of us. We can find the place to meet each other halfway with no problems that we actually like our differences. I'm scared however that one day we won't be able to meet halfway and there belies our woes and problems.

I like to hugged too and I want her to hug me in bed. Not me hugging her all the time, I do ask her to hug me, and she does but only for a short moment.

She asked me last night if I would like it better if I found someone that was more like myself. Someone who enjoyed going out to the bars and clubs more often, someone who would enjoy getting drunk and enjoy a little spontaneity more often. All of the things she isn't. I told her, "No. Someone that is too like me would get on my nerves. I like the stability that she brings to our relationship. I feel safe with her, I feel as if we could be together for a long time. Someone who is much too like me would not believe in long-term relationships. Someone like me would change her mind so fast, a relationship wouldn't be anything at all."

I tell myself that if I need a dominant/submissive relationship, then I should go find it with the male species. Maybe it's the images that I grew up with. That the male is the main bread winner and the female is the one who gets pampered. But ugh, I don't want that in total. I do love to baby my girl, I love her for all she is. So I suck it up a little and hug her in bed and baby her and caress her hair cuz she likes it like that. I wonder what images she has of herself when she imagines herself in a relationship.

Oh, and Happy Holidays to you!! I wish you a very merrry christmas with warmth and laughter joy and peace all around. I thank you for reading and commenting, really appreciate it.

Jealousy as GREEN as that green apple

Jealousy is one of my weak points. I've heard that it's a lot of people's weak points.

Those two sentences sums up my problem. When I read another person's blog or see all their pictures they put up on facebook and I see all the fun they have I get jealous. I think about why their life works and why mines doesn't. Why their approach brings to them loads of fun and my approach brings me nil. ok, it's not that extreme. I've heard the general advice, don't look at other people's lives, focus on your own. There's always gonna be someone smarter, better looking, richer, skinnier and all that and then some. So quit it!!

There's the advice of looking at my good sides and work from there. Build my self-esteem with encouraging words. That I can achieve, that with the attributes and skills that I have I can have anything I choose. Anything that I want on this world, as long as I dedicate my power and energy to it, that it is possible.

I stray from that advice many times a day. But I also think about the things that makes me lucky. My ever-growing sisters, my hardworking and dedicated parents, a girlfriend who loves me and encourages me, and my friends who are always near to lend an ear. I have those who makes my life high-quality. And I know they all believe in me. I love them so much for that. Sometimes I feel like I let them down because, in my head, their expectations of me seems too high.

But I'm working on it. I'm working to make myself stronger. By being selfless and helping others, I can make it.

Lots of things happening

Although there has been much happening, I don't know what I can write about that would give you a take home message. So just a little bit of rambling.

I've got a little pet hamster. We call him 'the little guy.' He's such an adorable little rodent. Eats sleeps and stinks up the place but we love him dearly. I can't wait till I get a pet dog. Dogs are more intelligent and recognizes you, etc etc, extremely loyal, loves to please you. And loves to be loved.

Anyways, finishing up this week with finals and then a whole month off from classes, exams, professors. I'll be home spending some time with family and the family dogs. I'm excited, I miss them terribly. Christmas is coming, which means I have to do my x-mas shopping before I fly home, they expect gifts. I know it.

And the bank, just increased my credit limit to $3,000! I know it might not be a lot of money to you, but that's money that if I should spend it ... would be so hard for me to payback. I can't use that money!! I won't do it. I simply won't.

My Time To Share With You

I've been searching around for volunteer opportunities. Gotta leave myself room to study and have fun as well. But just signing up for opportunities is already making my heart feel lighter. I've always said I wanted to help out and be more selfless--volunteering is the perfect way for me to do it. It would get me to think less of myself and more about others.I can learn a lot of things as well.

Such as learning to be more non-judgemental. If you asked my friends, they would say, "HER? she's not, in fact, the LEAST judgemental of all." But haha, they know not what goes through my head. Lots. And one of the things I find myself thinking about is why he/she is living the way she does, I analyze, and analyze again what's going on in her head, etc, etc. They're not negative thoughts about the other, actually, it almost feels as if I'm comparing my life to theirs. Like why their approach works and not mines.

Anyhow, I'm hoping to work at a Child Crisis Nursery center just watching over the kids for about 2-4 hours a week. Another thing I'm looking into is a Crisis hotline number, being on call during the 24 hour day and picking up call for people who desperately needs someone to talk to.

I feel as if the past two years of my college career, I've been asleep. Yeah, Sleeping through my academic career. There hasn't been much things that is of significance that I've done. Yeah, I dealt with a lot of personal problems, at some point about a year ago that I had to go to therapy simply cause I couldn't hold all my problems inside myself anymore. I dealt with my family moving so far away from me. My huge crush on my roommate, whom btw is my sweet little girlfriend now. Helped a friend who was dealing with some jail time. Giving him lots of love and support. Though I have learned a lot and enjoyed a little bit of good times, I don't have nothing to show if I were to move somewhere in life. I need experiences and references and becoming less shy. I still feel like a shy child, always smiling. That's it. Meaningless smiles = meaningless life. Well, that's not exactly true to the whole sentence, but still, a good chunk of it.

Ok, that's enough of my rant for today lest I confuse you further. My brain is darting all over the place. *cough* ta ta! Hope you enjoy(ed) your day!