Everything at Once
I have some serious self-esteem issues. Either that or I AM just plain THAT dumb and it's good that I realize it.
There is such a big world out there. It's a world filled with hope, desire, dreams, passions, goodness... But it's also a world filled with accidents, evilness, jealousy and hatred. It's a world filled with people that you can touch emotionally or physically. It's a world filled with all my awes.
But sometimes, I just can't seem to grasp what is happening around me. I try and be alert. But so much happens at such a fast pace, it is a world that never sleeps because everything is happening at once. But I can't know everything at once, I can't know who is feeling pain, who is feeling lonely, who needs a hug right now, who needs a friend...I can't do everything at once. Perhaps the only person who can truly know that is God.
I'm just at a point right now where I need to make a decision in entering the next phase of my life. I will be finishing my last year of college in May 2006 and I'm not really sure what I want to do with it next.
There's plenty of advices out there. Plenty. There's so much that it pulls me left and right and I find myself in the same position.
Yes, I do try to listen to my inner self. I ask myself: "What do I really want out of this life?"
And my answer to that really: "Everything"
I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. I want fulfillment in my being. I want to complete my spiritual being, as well as fill that bowl of life with all the knowledge I can get. I want to get the fun out of everything get the fullest satisfaction of everything.
But life does not give me much time for that. Life also does not give me much time to sit here and ponder about what I really want to do because my time is ticking.
Sounds like I'm rushing it huh? I need a goal. I need a focus to channel my energy towards to.
I've been spending a lot of my time lately on the internet. Either reading blogs or surfing for new opportunities, new knowledge (that I hope my brain will retain longer than a day/week/year), new ideas...
I want to keep myself open to everything, but it's hard to stay open to everything because it seems open means having no boundaries. No boundaries means no opinions. See, I have found in my state that in order to keep myself that open-minded girl I try to be, I have had no opinion of my own. The common saying goes, "Everyone has their own bias." Now is that right? I have tried to keep myself that nice girl I am, someone who doesn't want to step on anyone else's toes while keeping myself open. However, in finding that I have no opinion--it makes me feel as if I can't think for myself. That I let everything in and out of me so easily that I'm not even human. Who is me? Who is 'this' girl then if she has no opinion?
I need help. I need some advice. How do I live this life that was given to me?
There is such a big world out there. It's a world filled with hope, desire, dreams, passions, goodness... But it's also a world filled with accidents, evilness, jealousy and hatred. It's a world filled with people that you can touch emotionally or physically. It's a world filled with all my awes.
But sometimes, I just can't seem to grasp what is happening around me. I try and be alert. But so much happens at such a fast pace, it is a world that never sleeps because everything is happening at once. But I can't know everything at once, I can't know who is feeling pain, who is feeling lonely, who needs a hug right now, who needs a friend...I can't do everything at once. Perhaps the only person who can truly know that is God.
I'm just at a point right now where I need to make a decision in entering the next phase of my life. I will be finishing my last year of college in May 2006 and I'm not really sure what I want to do with it next.
There's plenty of advices out there. Plenty. There's so much that it pulls me left and right and I find myself in the same position.
Yes, I do try to listen to my inner self. I ask myself: "What do I really want out of this life?"
And my answer to that really: "Everything"
I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. I want fulfillment in my being. I want to complete my spiritual being, as well as fill that bowl of life with all the knowledge I can get. I want to get the fun out of everything get the fullest satisfaction of everything.
But life does not give me much time for that. Life also does not give me much time to sit here and ponder about what I really want to do because my time is ticking.
Sounds like I'm rushing it huh? I need a goal. I need a focus to channel my energy towards to.
I've been spending a lot of my time lately on the internet. Either reading blogs or surfing for new opportunities, new knowledge (that I hope my brain will retain longer than a day/week/year), new ideas...
I want to keep myself open to everything, but it's hard to stay open to everything because it seems open means having no boundaries. No boundaries means no opinions. See, I have found in my state that in order to keep myself that open-minded girl I try to be, I have had no opinion of my own. The common saying goes, "Everyone has their own bias." Now is that right? I have tried to keep myself that nice girl I am, someone who doesn't want to step on anyone else's toes while keeping myself open. However, in finding that I have no opinion--it makes me feel as if I can't think for myself. That I let everything in and out of me so easily that I'm not even human. Who is me? Who is 'this' girl then if she has no opinion?
I need help. I need some advice. How do I live this life that was given to me?
posted by extreMEly at 12:48 AM
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