Friday, July 01, 2005

everything in my power to hurt myself...

why do i do everything I could to hurt myself? emotionally, of course.

it will be a continuing realization that R loves S so much. How could I have been so foolish as to get between the two of them? How did I give myself that kind of false hope??! I'm so silly. Silly Me, love is only for others. Not me.

I feel like i'm just the loneliest person on this whole planet right now. I love her more than I could ever express myself and yet, the pain that SHE has caused me hurts so much. It drives me crazy, it makes me sad, it makes me lonely, it makes me a horrible person. It makes me sit here and think about the love she has for another girl that has never been me. I had six weeks to be with R and that's that. That was all there was, 6 blissful weeks. Now it's just been a burden on my back. We all live with consequences. We All doo. How did I ever think that she could love me more than I could ever ask for? How did I fool myself to believing that? why did she let me believe that? why did she let me love her? why did she allow both of ourselves to get involved like this??? I feel so betrayed. I feel so alone. WHY THE FUCK did she start a relationship between the two of us?? I'm one of her BEST friends for goodness sake!! does friendships even mean anything to anyone anymore?

I gave her all there was of me,
i loved her with every heartbeat, i did.
and now I sit here and wonder how I could have let myself strayed.
I have no one else to blame but me.
no one to cry to but me.
no more aspirations but me to tell myself that there is more.
that the sun will shine again and I will be okay again.
that i will be able to love again.
someday.

There's something better for me out there and it's not within R. She can't handle a relationship and I can't have that. Something that I need to realize now. Why can't I just download all these good advice into my head??? Because my heart is tainted, my heart feels heavy at the thought that she doesn't care for me anymore. How does love hurt like this? Is this even love anyway? No, yeah, it is. I know I still have so much feelings for her. I miss her, i think about her all the time, wishing that i could kiss her and hold her again. But I can't...

This reality is not going to give me that. I have to keep myself from giving me that satisfaction because it is only short term. That bit of moment I get to spend with her will be an eternity of paying back my pain for loving her. This pain I have for loving someone so much.

I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad, I have nothing left but the power in me to move on.

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