Say Nice Things
I have probably just had one of the worst conversations with R that brings be closer to the "ruin my relationship with R" side of the spectrum. A relationship that use to be rated a 10 (being the highest) is now down to a 4. Pretty soon that relationship will be running a #1 or better yet, a 0.
You know, as I get older I find myself in more of the most lonely and desolate relationships of my life. Why can't I relate to others as much as I use to be able to? Why can't I find the friends that I want to keep for the rest of my life? I'm suppose to be enjoying the prime of my life right? No.
It's been about 7 weeks that we had been apart and all the drama I mentioned a little about had happened in the time we were apart. My being on the east coast and she in the Midwest. We kept our communication levels at about one phone call a week. So last time I spoke to her was about a week ago. I missed her voice, I miss her company. So she called me tonight and...
Conversation went quite well in the beginning as we both caught up with what we were busy with. Then about an hour later, just when we were saying goodnight to each other, I told her how I was thinking of with the Christian beliefs. That kind of got her upset as she says that if I do that, then being a homosexual is a sin.
Then I said,"Well, don't be psst k, I'm just only in the thought processes of it all."
R: hm..
Me: Really, don't be psst.
R: Actually I am psst. I actually gotta go psst.
Me: ok, well go psst off then.
R: You're such a bitch.
Me: Whoa, you know what I meant by that, you said you needed to pee.
R: Well, I also know what you meant on the flip side of saying that. (As she had always pointed out that I like to play mindgames)
She called me a Bitch. See, R is the kind of girl who doesn't use profanity so much. When she names someone as such she must be in one of her road rages or she has realized that person is a Bitch and will say so. I'm a bitch for telling her to pss off. She claims that her time of the month was coming around, that S has been annoying her lately also. R seems to have been easily irritable ever since the semester was coming to an end--(about month of April).
Wow, now how worse can our friendship relationship get. Or how about when she keeps parading the fact that she is flirting with one of the girls who she is volunteering with. What is that suppose to mean to me? It means that she has moved on without me. I should not be hanging onto her every word.
Candace says that there is a point in every relationship where we all must draw a line and must stick by it. That we cannot lower any standards of ours to meet any of their requirements. In this relationship, I have done it. I have lowered my standards as well as have drawn it out as a stepping rug to which I welcome all my other friends to come and freely step on it. Candace wonders why I even recall this relationship as a "friendship"--that why do I still contribute myself at all?
*sigh* I just feel like pieces and chunks of me are everywhere. I don't know where to direct my attention and focus anymore. It's a feeling that has been with me for a long time now. I feel lost and broken, not at peace with myself. Although I do try. That's part of the reason why I wanted to go to God and pray to him.
I wonder where all those days where I use to smile all the time? Where have those days gone where I remember being at a high on cloud 9? I tell myself to stop living in the past and live for the future. Words are so much easier said and to visualize than to walk its path. Can somebody lend me some strength to somehow move on? This ain't right. The life I lead is not a fruitfilled one. These are the times I wish Life came with a book of instructions.
You know, as I get older I find myself in more of the most lonely and desolate relationships of my life. Why can't I relate to others as much as I use to be able to? Why can't I find the friends that I want to keep for the rest of my life? I'm suppose to be enjoying the prime of my life right? No.
It's been about 7 weeks that we had been apart and all the drama I mentioned a little about had happened in the time we were apart. My being on the east coast and she in the Midwest. We kept our communication levels at about one phone call a week. So last time I spoke to her was about a week ago. I missed her voice, I miss her company. So she called me tonight and...
Conversation went quite well in the beginning as we both caught up with what we were busy with. Then about an hour later, just when we were saying goodnight to each other, I told her how I was thinking of with the Christian beliefs. That kind of got her upset as she says that if I do that, then being a homosexual is a sin.
Then I said,"Well, don't be psst k, I'm just only in the thought processes of it all."
R: hm..
Me: Really, don't be psst.
R: Actually I am psst. I actually gotta go psst.
Me: ok, well go psst off then.
R: You're such a bitch.
Me: Whoa, you know what I meant by that, you said you needed to pee.
R: Well, I also know what you meant on the flip side of saying that. (As she had always pointed out that I like to play mindgames)
She called me a Bitch. See, R is the kind of girl who doesn't use profanity so much. When she names someone as such she must be in one of her road rages or she has realized that person is a Bitch and will say so. I'm a bitch for telling her to pss off. She claims that her time of the month was coming around, that S has been annoying her lately also. R seems to have been easily irritable ever since the semester was coming to an end--(about month of April).
Wow, now how worse can our friendship relationship get. Or how about when she keeps parading the fact that she is flirting with one of the girls who she is volunteering with. What is that suppose to mean to me? It means that she has moved on without me. I should not be hanging onto her every word.
Candace says that there is a point in every relationship where we all must draw a line and must stick by it. That we cannot lower any standards of ours to meet any of their requirements. In this relationship, I have done it. I have lowered my standards as well as have drawn it out as a stepping rug to which I welcome all my other friends to come and freely step on it. Candace wonders why I even recall this relationship as a "friendship"--that why do I still contribute myself at all?
*sigh* I just feel like pieces and chunks of me are everywhere. I don't know where to direct my attention and focus anymore. It's a feeling that has been with me for a long time now. I feel lost and broken, not at peace with myself. Although I do try. That's part of the reason why I wanted to go to God and pray to him.
I wonder where all those days where I use to smile all the time? Where have those days gone where I remember being at a high on cloud 9? I tell myself to stop living in the past and live for the future. Words are so much easier said and to visualize than to walk its path. Can somebody lend me some strength to somehow move on? This ain't right. The life I lead is not a fruitfilled one. These are the times I wish Life came with a book of instructions.
posted by extreMEly at 2:41 AM
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