Not To Fall From His Grace...or my shyness
If you read back a couple of posts, I had talked about turning to God and receiving His love to me. To let go of my hurt, pain, and heaviness and sleep a little better at night.
I've been thinking and thinking and talking and talking. I really don't like to think that turning to Christianity will be an absolute thing. I don't like how the Bible is so absolute in everything. That for life's every problem there will be a solution you may find in the Bible. But then again, it is also how you interpret the Bible's words.
I'd like to keep things the way I interpret them as well as praying to God as my spiritual side. I want to be in touch with my spirituality, to feel enlightened and feel good to know that there are times when I can leave this reality and be in His Grace. I can close my eyes and think faraway, think about Him and feel that he is listening to my heart. He knows the conflicts I am going through, He knows what problems are underlying my life and why I must go through it all. He knows why. But at the same time, I would like to let reasons be my explaination. I want to explain my own conscience why a certain hardship as befallen me. I don't like to know that I am going through a crisis, a depression, or any punishments because of a reason that only God knows.
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I hate being that shy girl that I am. Today, the lunch lady said something mean to me.
I was in line to get the "Ultimate Cafe Nachos." It was a long line and there were only two lunch lady serving the line. Well, one was serving the Mexican food and the other the Indian Food in this line and I wanted some Nachos AND some somosas. Since there were more people who wanted the Nachos, the Indian Food lady went to help the Mexican Food lady. But to get the Mexican or Indian Food, you had to stand in that one line. While the Mexican food lady was making my Nachos, I saw that the Indian Food lady was scooping some somosas for another customer. I just told her, "Oh, and I'll have some Somosas too." I figured, hey since she was there, why not grab me some too so then the Indian food lady doesn't have to run back and forth. The Mexican food lady was like, "Don't be working the two of us!" At first, I thought it was all a joke. So I grinned that stupid grin of mine and she didn't smile back she just looked at me with her seirous look. At that point, all I did was kept that stupid grin on my face and smiled back not saying a word. I was trying to be nice and just didn't want to start anything.
My point in telling you that story. Whenever I get into situations where I just can't find the words to defend myself. My lack of words makes me feel so dumb. I hate myself for that. No, maybe it's just my inside reasoning that I don't want to start a fight or anything. As of late, I just keep finding myself in situations where people are just pissing on me and I let them.
What will I do differently next time? I will stop. Hold my hands up in surrender. Politely explain that I was only thinking to save the woman the trouble of having to walk back and forth. Saves her time and effort, makes her job easier and my life easier.
It's just mean and unreasonable how some persons can just scream and yell for no reason at all. Like impatient people can get psst really easily, it just goes to show how unreasonable and stupid they could be. They're only making their life more complicated as they get psst and drive up their blood pressure levels. And those people who have to scream at strangers. Does it make them all the more powerful to be able to scream at another human like they were a child? Yes, my pride has been hurting a little and I really don't need Tasha or anybody else to defend for me. Kimberly is pissing me off, I don't like it that she just stomps on me and I don't do anything at all. Tasha is a tinier girl than me, but she feels the need to defend me. No, I don't need anyone to defend for me, I don't like what Kimberly says to me but I don't know how else to say it. "Shut up" is what I want to say but I don't want to be mean. She was mean to me which gives me the right to be mean eh? I know Kimberly hasn't been on the best of everyone's list, she's gotten into somesome between her and Val, or her and Brenda. Kimberly doesn't know how to say much else than be mean to others. I noticed that that is how she communicates and jokes with others, it's not a very effective way of joking and making friends though. I wonder if she knows that.
I've been thinking and thinking and talking and talking. I really don't like to think that turning to Christianity will be an absolute thing. I don't like how the Bible is so absolute in everything. That for life's every problem there will be a solution you may find in the Bible. But then again, it is also how you interpret the Bible's words.
I'd like to keep things the way I interpret them as well as praying to God as my spiritual side. I want to be in touch with my spirituality, to feel enlightened and feel good to know that there are times when I can leave this reality and be in His Grace. I can close my eyes and think faraway, think about Him and feel that he is listening to my heart. He knows the conflicts I am going through, He knows what problems are underlying my life and why I must go through it all. He knows why. But at the same time, I would like to let reasons be my explaination. I want to explain my own conscience why a certain hardship as befallen me. I don't like to know that I am going through a crisis, a depression, or any punishments because of a reason that only God knows.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I hate being that shy girl that I am. Today, the lunch lady said something mean to me.
I was in line to get the "Ultimate Cafe Nachos." It was a long line and there were only two lunch lady serving the line. Well, one was serving the Mexican food and the other the Indian Food in this line and I wanted some Nachos AND some somosas. Since there were more people who wanted the Nachos, the Indian Food lady went to help the Mexican Food lady. But to get the Mexican or Indian Food, you had to stand in that one line. While the Mexican food lady was making my Nachos, I saw that the Indian Food lady was scooping some somosas for another customer. I just told her, "Oh, and I'll have some Somosas too." I figured, hey since she was there, why not grab me some too so then the Indian food lady doesn't have to run back and forth. The Mexican food lady was like, "Don't be working the two of us!" At first, I thought it was all a joke. So I grinned that stupid grin of mine and she didn't smile back she just looked at me with her seirous look. At that point, all I did was kept that stupid grin on my face and smiled back not saying a word. I was trying to be nice and just didn't want to start anything.
My point in telling you that story. Whenever I get into situations where I just can't find the words to defend myself. My lack of words makes me feel so dumb. I hate myself for that. No, maybe it's just my inside reasoning that I don't want to start a fight or anything. As of late, I just keep finding myself in situations where people are just pissing on me and I let them.
What will I do differently next time? I will stop. Hold my hands up in surrender. Politely explain that I was only thinking to save the woman the trouble of having to walk back and forth. Saves her time and effort, makes her job easier and my life easier.
It's just mean and unreasonable how some persons can just scream and yell for no reason at all. Like impatient people can get psst really easily, it just goes to show how unreasonable and stupid they could be. They're only making their life more complicated as they get psst and drive up their blood pressure levels. And those people who have to scream at strangers. Does it make them all the more powerful to be able to scream at another human like they were a child? Yes, my pride has been hurting a little and I really don't need Tasha or anybody else to defend for me. Kimberly is pissing me off, I don't like it that she just stomps on me and I don't do anything at all. Tasha is a tinier girl than me, but she feels the need to defend me. No, I don't need anyone to defend for me, I don't like what Kimberly says to me but I don't know how else to say it. "Shut up" is what I want to say but I don't want to be mean. She was mean to me which gives me the right to be mean eh? I know Kimberly hasn't been on the best of everyone's list, she's gotten into somesome between her and Val, or her and Brenda. Kimberly doesn't know how to say much else than be mean to others. I noticed that that is how she communicates and jokes with others, it's not a very effective way of joking and making friends though. I wonder if she knows that.
posted by extreMEly at 2:50 PM
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