Loving me loving her.
I should get to bed. I have class in about 6 hours and I need to get some sleep.
Today is Friday. A week from today will be time for me to leave New Jersey and head back to my apartment. The place where all the drama started. Honestly I don't want to go back there, I don't want to go back and see R and S. I'm dreading it, I'm fearing it, I'm feeling sad because it's almost time to leave my state of blissfulness that I find when I am here. Too sad, I'm too sad.
I've been sad all day and I've been reading Hothead's diary entries all the way from 2001. I'm still reading cuz I got to 2002 Nov. I feel as if I connect a lot with here, but she's a lot more intelligent than I am. Sounds real smart and mature. I love her personality. I love the way she writes too. Anyways, she goes through a lot of shit in her life and still going through some. I stopped reading at the part where a friend of hers..the only friend she made on her first semester of college campus took her boyfriend away from hothead. Hothead gave soooo much of herself over to her boyfriend. You see her boyfriend use to be her 'girlfriend.' Hothead had to put up with girlfriend struggles with her identity, then had to put up with girlfriend not loving her, then put up with girlfriend transitioning into a boy. Can you imagine how screwed up that could get??! Then, just when Hothead has settled into her new identity as girlfriend of a past girlfriend who turned boyfriend. The boyfriend leaves hothead for the only friend Hothead had made on campus!! Talk about backstabbing-life-is-absurd-shit! Did i lose you through all this yet? But my gosh, your strength awes me. Through her diary I have found a sense of connection with her. She says a lot of things that makes me think of R.
I miss R. I miss her a lot. Miss those moments we had together. We only had 6 weeks to be together. You might know that 6 weeks is never enough for a relationship. Unfortunately I had to leave on a 9 week hiatus to see family down in Louisiana and then 6 week program in New Jersey. I think our relationship fell apart because we had only been 6 weeks into the relationship, but during the 6 weeks it wasn't without any drama. there was soooo much crap to deal with S. R had MCATs to take, and we all had finals and final projects to worry about. It wasn't easy, take the time to be together, time to study, time to clean, time to argue, time to think, time to sleep, time to eat. It doesn't leave us much time to be together. Another thing that screwed everything over was that this little love triangle was in the same freakin apartment! yes, that's right. R, S and Me we all lived in the same apartment. So drama was everywhere. I only had one night to spend with R (without the hovering presence and the guilty feeling of S being there), that was the night before I had to board flight and leave for the next 9 weeks.
It was hard, real hard. We held onto each other so tightly that night before I left. I voiced my fears of losing R. I told her how much I loved her and how much I will never let go. Told her how beautiful she was to me and that every minute spent with her was like being in heaven. She reassured me that she won't leave, that she'll be there waiting for me in the next 9 weeks. But nope, that wasn't true. In the next two nights, she had gone and slept with S. That's right ladies and gentlemen, with my freakin best friend, S!! S did know that me and R were together. R should have known better. But lemme tell you R's side of the story. R had liked S ever since senior year in high school When the 3 of us lived together freshmen year of college, R's feelings for S had outed her and lead her to realize she was who she is today and R's feelings for S continued to grow. Well, S knew all this. S just couldn't take in R's love. S said she wasn't gay! S wanted a husband, wanted kids, wanted a normal marriage. During R's year of liking and loving S, I too came out of my shell and realized that I liked R. I got jealous and all that mean green stuff. I wasn't a big baby though, i realized that R was in love with S and I really didn't want to mess that up, I didn't have anything in it for me. So I went off to live with another friend of mines sophomore year and tended to my wounds. I guess from what I know of now, during the sophomore year, R and S had somewhat of a fling. I tried my best to avoid them as much as I could cuz I was hurt and I didn't want to see anything. S and R's relationship was still very much in the closet.
R came to realize that S could never be openly gay. S was in denial. S never acknowledged the fact that R and S could be together. S sent R on such a rejection road, giving her false hopes. But R was a lost puppy and didn't want to leave S at all. R spoiled S, did everything R could to keep S happy. Till this day S is still spoiled.
Junior year (this past year), I came to realize that I wasn't going to lose a friendship over my crush of mines. So i stopped being a baby and went to live with S and R. Turns out to maybe be the biggest mistake of all times. R found out her weakness and realized that hey, S is never going to acknowledge anything, why continue to hurt myself bad like this. So in some ways more than one, R tried slowly but ever so surely to get over S. Mind you, all 3 of us stayed good friends. I found some gay friends, did my happy as I could. By this time, both R and S had known that I was also gay. This past April was when things started crackin. I came back from spring break and R and me. Let's just say everything fell into place and I fell for R again. I fell HARD!! I realized that my love for her had never went away, that R said I ever so gradually had always flirted with R. I can't deny that I did always think about R and me as being together, i wanted to be with her badly. i wanted to show her what a healthy relationship was, what it was like to be loved back in return. I hoped that she would return her love to me, or at least something. So S saw that R was falling for me and of course, she didn't like it. Not one bit. S went after R to get her back. Long story short, while I was gone in the past 9 weeks, I don't really know what happend but my relationship with R got screwed. I felt hurt, betrayed, lonely, out of my mind, left at the most bottom of the bottom pit. My heart torn to pieces by my friends, I couldn't tell anybody, it hurt so much to talk about it even though the thought of everything ran through my head day and night. I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't get my mind focused on anything. Lucky for me, the 6 week program was kind of a help. Hey i'm over in new york city, how often do i get to come here? I have met some new friends, made some new aquaintances and been having fun. Now I'm just at the realization that I only have 7 days left.
Now it's about one week before I get back to Illinois and have to see her. I wonder what the deal is going to be. I'm afraid that she will ask me to kiss her, to hug her, to love her again. That I know I cannot do for her anymore, but I want to. I want to love her, to hug and hold her and love her. Give her everything I know she deserves. I want to be a friend to her. No matter what she has done to me I feel as if I still love her the same. I miss her. Yes, I'm agree at her for leaving me and doing to me what she has done. I hate the fact that she is not the best considerate person on the world. I hate what she puts me through. But at the same time, I want her to ask me to have us back together again. I know it won't be a happy ending in that.
I'm mad at S. I'm trying to figure out whether it should be me or S who forgives the other. She sends me a friggin txt message to wish me happy birthday!! I at least had the decency to call her and wished her a happy 21st birthday. I turned 21 too. Her birthday comes a week after mines. I've known S since our first days in high school. Been friends for as long as that, dormed together in college and now living together in the apartment. I just figured that S isn't as strong as I am. She is too dependent on R and because of that weakness it has come to hurt me too. S being dependent and can't stand on her own two feet has caused R pain. In turn it has caused me pain to see R in pain. It's a trickle effect.
What do I want? Really, what do I really want? I want to be loved. I wish it were easy to find your soulmate. That way I spend my life being with her rather than looking for her. I wish she could be R, but I realize again and again that R could never be that person. She isn't the strong person that I need her to be. Yet I love her to the very existence of my soul. I know I do because I keep on letting her hurt me. I keep telling her how much I miss her and love her and how much I try to keep her in my contact and letting her know that I'm never too far.
I've been through so much shit and tried to be strong for myself in the past 2.5 years. All this has dragged out too long. I have tried to keep myself sane. Keep myself happy with happy thoughts. Contemplate on new things on life, picked up new hobbies, new thoughts, new things to learn about myself. I just can't seem to run away from R though and my love for her. She makes me happy. She really does. At night, during our nights together, I could just look at her face and feel so much love for her, feel my peace inside of me. It wasn't the 6 weeks that I realized that I loved her, it was my time and year of trying to get over her that I realized I just couldn't get over her. Even now, through so much pain because of all this, I still want her back. I know she is all wrong for me. She doesn't care for me the way a girlfriend should care for me.. she doens't think of me like that. She doesn't. It hurts to say it to myself, it hurts more that I have to internalize all this and tell myself, my heart that my love for her can never be expressed. I love her so much, you just don't realize how much. I went through so much pain for her, to try and see her happy. If things hadn't worked out between R and S, why couldn't it work for me and R.
R tells me that she isn't and can't be the one to love either me or S. R says that there's another love out there waiting for her. Wow, R says me and S are two of her best friends on this planet and we both love her more than friends could. More like lovers do. And she turns her back on both of our loves. R is angry at S, yes, that S has finally reciprocated the love that R had yearned for but was denied. Only when S realized that S was losing R to me did S come running on her tail back for R. In the process, losing my friendship and belief in S.
Turns out things are as screwed as ever. I find it life to be so absurd at times. R can't love S or me. K (me) loves R so much but knows she has to let go of this love and move on. S, is being a big baby. In the beginning of my 6 week relationship with R, I had a long talk with S, telling her that me and R may have some interest. I told S that. S said ok, that she can't love R the way R wants S to love her back so then S would be very happy for the both of us (R and me) that we could find that love and time to be together.
I'm trying to be as understanding as possible towards S. I know she was losing a friend, losing that 'friend' that had pampered and catered to S's every needs. It pissed me off to see R running around for S like a little puppy. R was S's personal chaffeur!! and R was her personal cook and household maid!! MY GOD it drove me MAD!! That's why I had to leave that sophomore year, i couldn't take it. I couldn't see R loving S so much it made R blind. I saw that love R had for S. Do you know how painful it is to see that love in R's eyes?? for another girl.
FUCK. I hate all this shit. It turns my head inside out. It churns my emotions all over. And to realize that I still love R, drives me nuts. My brain and emotions needs to start working together--is there such a thing?
Today is Friday. A week from today will be time for me to leave New Jersey and head back to my apartment. The place where all the drama started. Honestly I don't want to go back there, I don't want to go back and see R and S. I'm dreading it, I'm fearing it, I'm feeling sad because it's almost time to leave my state of blissfulness that I find when I am here. Too sad, I'm too sad.
I've been sad all day and I've been reading Hothead's diary entries all the way from 2001. I'm still reading cuz I got to 2002 Nov. I feel as if I connect a lot with here, but she's a lot more intelligent than I am. Sounds real smart and mature. I love her personality. I love the way she writes too. Anyways, she goes through a lot of shit in her life and still going through some. I stopped reading at the part where a friend of hers..the only friend she made on her first semester of college campus took her boyfriend away from hothead. Hothead gave soooo much of herself over to her boyfriend. You see her boyfriend use to be her 'girlfriend.' Hothead had to put up with girlfriend struggles with her identity, then had to put up with girlfriend not loving her, then put up with girlfriend transitioning into a boy. Can you imagine how screwed up that could get??! Then, just when Hothead has settled into her new identity as girlfriend of a past girlfriend who turned boyfriend. The boyfriend leaves hothead for the only friend Hothead had made on campus!! Talk about backstabbing-life-is-absurd-shit! Did i lose you through all this yet? But my gosh, your strength awes me. Through her diary I have found a sense of connection with her. She says a lot of things that makes me think of R.
I miss R. I miss her a lot. Miss those moments we had together. We only had 6 weeks to be together. You might know that 6 weeks is never enough for a relationship. Unfortunately I had to leave on a 9 week hiatus to see family down in Louisiana and then 6 week program in New Jersey. I think our relationship fell apart because we had only been 6 weeks into the relationship, but during the 6 weeks it wasn't without any drama. there was soooo much crap to deal with S. R had MCATs to take, and we all had finals and final projects to worry about. It wasn't easy, take the time to be together, time to study, time to clean, time to argue, time to think, time to sleep, time to eat. It doesn't leave us much time to be together. Another thing that screwed everything over was that this little love triangle was in the same freakin apartment! yes, that's right. R, S and Me we all lived in the same apartment. So drama was everywhere. I only had one night to spend with R (without the hovering presence and the guilty feeling of S being there), that was the night before I had to board flight and leave for the next 9 weeks.
It was hard, real hard. We held onto each other so tightly that night before I left. I voiced my fears of losing R. I told her how much I loved her and how much I will never let go. Told her how beautiful she was to me and that every minute spent with her was like being in heaven. She reassured me that she won't leave, that she'll be there waiting for me in the next 9 weeks. But nope, that wasn't true. In the next two nights, she had gone and slept with S. That's right ladies and gentlemen, with my freakin best friend, S!! S did know that me and R were together. R should have known better. But lemme tell you R's side of the story. R had liked S ever since senior year in high school When the 3 of us lived together freshmen year of college, R's feelings for S had outed her and lead her to realize she was who she is today and R's feelings for S continued to grow. Well, S knew all this. S just couldn't take in R's love. S said she wasn't gay! S wanted a husband, wanted kids, wanted a normal marriage. During R's year of liking and loving S, I too came out of my shell and realized that I liked R. I got jealous and all that mean green stuff. I wasn't a big baby though, i realized that R was in love with S and I really didn't want to mess that up, I didn't have anything in it for me. So I went off to live with another friend of mines sophomore year and tended to my wounds. I guess from what I know of now, during the sophomore year, R and S had somewhat of a fling. I tried my best to avoid them as much as I could cuz I was hurt and I didn't want to see anything. S and R's relationship was still very much in the closet.
R came to realize that S could never be openly gay. S was in denial. S never acknowledged the fact that R and S could be together. S sent R on such a rejection road, giving her false hopes. But R was a lost puppy and didn't want to leave S at all. R spoiled S, did everything R could to keep S happy. Till this day S is still spoiled.
Junior year (this past year), I came to realize that I wasn't going to lose a friendship over my crush of mines. So i stopped being a baby and went to live with S and R. Turns out to maybe be the biggest mistake of all times. R found out her weakness and realized that hey, S is never going to acknowledge anything, why continue to hurt myself bad like this. So in some ways more than one, R tried slowly but ever so surely to get over S. Mind you, all 3 of us stayed good friends. I found some gay friends, did my happy as I could. By this time, both R and S had known that I was also gay. This past April was when things started crackin. I came back from spring break and R and me. Let's just say everything fell into place and I fell for R again. I fell HARD!! I realized that my love for her had never went away, that R said I ever so gradually had always flirted with R. I can't deny that I did always think about R and me as being together, i wanted to be with her badly. i wanted to show her what a healthy relationship was, what it was like to be loved back in return. I hoped that she would return her love to me, or at least something. So S saw that R was falling for me and of course, she didn't like it. Not one bit. S went after R to get her back. Long story short, while I was gone in the past 9 weeks, I don't really know what happend but my relationship with R got screwed. I felt hurt, betrayed, lonely, out of my mind, left at the most bottom of the bottom pit. My heart torn to pieces by my friends, I couldn't tell anybody, it hurt so much to talk about it even though the thought of everything ran through my head day and night. I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't get my mind focused on anything. Lucky for me, the 6 week program was kind of a help. Hey i'm over in new york city, how often do i get to come here? I have met some new friends, made some new aquaintances and been having fun. Now I'm just at the realization that I only have 7 days left.
Now it's about one week before I get back to Illinois and have to see her. I wonder what the deal is going to be. I'm afraid that she will ask me to kiss her, to hug her, to love her again. That I know I cannot do for her anymore, but I want to. I want to love her, to hug and hold her and love her. Give her everything I know she deserves. I want to be a friend to her. No matter what she has done to me I feel as if I still love her the same. I miss her. Yes, I'm agree at her for leaving me and doing to me what she has done. I hate the fact that she is not the best considerate person on the world. I hate what she puts me through. But at the same time, I want her to ask me to have us back together again. I know it won't be a happy ending in that.
I'm mad at S. I'm trying to figure out whether it should be me or S who forgives the other. She sends me a friggin txt message to wish me happy birthday!! I at least had the decency to call her and wished her a happy 21st birthday. I turned 21 too. Her birthday comes a week after mines. I've known S since our first days in high school. Been friends for as long as that, dormed together in college and now living together in the apartment. I just figured that S isn't as strong as I am. She is too dependent on R and because of that weakness it has come to hurt me too. S being dependent and can't stand on her own two feet has caused R pain. In turn it has caused me pain to see R in pain. It's a trickle effect.
What do I want? Really, what do I really want? I want to be loved. I wish it were easy to find your soulmate. That way I spend my life being with her rather than looking for her. I wish she could be R, but I realize again and again that R could never be that person. She isn't the strong person that I need her to be. Yet I love her to the very existence of my soul. I know I do because I keep on letting her hurt me. I keep telling her how much I miss her and love her and how much I try to keep her in my contact and letting her know that I'm never too far.
I've been through so much shit and tried to be strong for myself in the past 2.5 years. All this has dragged out too long. I have tried to keep myself sane. Keep myself happy with happy thoughts. Contemplate on new things on life, picked up new hobbies, new thoughts, new things to learn about myself. I just can't seem to run away from R though and my love for her. She makes me happy. She really does. At night, during our nights together, I could just look at her face and feel so much love for her, feel my peace inside of me. It wasn't the 6 weeks that I realized that I loved her, it was my time and year of trying to get over her that I realized I just couldn't get over her. Even now, through so much pain because of all this, I still want her back. I know she is all wrong for me. She doesn't care for me the way a girlfriend should care for me.. she doens't think of me like that. She doesn't. It hurts to say it to myself, it hurts more that I have to internalize all this and tell myself, my heart that my love for her can never be expressed. I love her so much, you just don't realize how much. I went through so much pain for her, to try and see her happy. If things hadn't worked out between R and S, why couldn't it work for me and R.
R tells me that she isn't and can't be the one to love either me or S. R says that there's another love out there waiting for her. Wow, R says me and S are two of her best friends on this planet and we both love her more than friends could. More like lovers do. And she turns her back on both of our loves. R is angry at S, yes, that S has finally reciprocated the love that R had yearned for but was denied. Only when S realized that S was losing R to me did S come running on her tail back for R. In the process, losing my friendship and belief in S.
Turns out things are as screwed as ever. I find it life to be so absurd at times. R can't love S or me. K (me) loves R so much but knows she has to let go of this love and move on. S, is being a big baby. In the beginning of my 6 week relationship with R, I had a long talk with S, telling her that me and R may have some interest. I told S that. S said ok, that she can't love R the way R wants S to love her back so then S would be very happy for the both of us (R and me) that we could find that love and time to be together.
I'm trying to be as understanding as possible towards S. I know she was losing a friend, losing that 'friend' that had pampered and catered to S's every needs. It pissed me off to see R running around for S like a little puppy. R was S's personal chaffeur!! and R was her personal cook and household maid!! MY GOD it drove me MAD!! That's why I had to leave that sophomore year, i couldn't take it. I couldn't see R loving S so much it made R blind. I saw that love R had for S. Do you know how painful it is to see that love in R's eyes?? for another girl.
FUCK. I hate all this shit. It turns my head inside out. It churns my emotions all over. And to realize that I still love R, drives me nuts. My brain and emotions needs to start working together--is there such a thing?
posted by extreMEly at 2:46 AM
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