I'm starting to feel a little uninspired again
I go through these bouts from time to time where I feel as if anything I do in this life matters. So why live it?
I worry about the decisions I make. I fret over how the next few years of my life are critical for it may break or set me. Then again, there are so many adults whose stories I've read (from The Sun Magazine) tells me that it's never too late for anything. Heck, people are still falling in love at age 50 and finding the love that they've been searching for all their life. Then there are those who are just starting over, someone who has healed from alcoholism and living the sober life.
I try to put things in perspectives. Maybe I'm taking too much into perspective. I think of those who have influenced my life. People who I love and look up to (literally and figuratively).
Right now, if you were to look into my brain, you would see a jumble of mess. For instance, I'm suppose to be studying for my exam I will be taking at noon Wednesday. What am I doing at this hour writing in my blog? No really, while I was sitting in class, I was having the hardest time trying to concentrate and focus on what my professor was lecturing about, something about Amino acid metabolism. I couldn't get my mind to listen to him though. My eyes wandered over to my fellow classmates. I envy them for looking so confident. I question them in my thoughts, "How do you know that's the right path for yourself?"
Many will respond and say, "No one knows really." True, but that's so much easier said and done.
I blame it on my perfectionist side. That I want everything to be perfect but nothing ever really gets done for I fear that it won't be done or go the perfect way.
Live it with a passion.
My how that sentence seem so strong to me. One girl who's profile I was reading had something this:
"I want to run around naked in the rain on a hot summer day. I want to know what the word "peace" really means. I want my parents to know that I'll be able to repay the favor. I want to be able to do a windmill. I want to smoke and drink and play darts with some interesting blokes. I want to wear a corset and garters only to have them torn off before fucking historical-romance style in a bed with gauzy curtains and silk sheets. I want to be a revolutionary and change the world. I want someone who understands what I am and wouldn't change me for anything in the world. I want a love worth dying for, whether a cause or an actual person. I want experiences worth writing about. I want to get into a bloody fight with a guy and fuck the hell out of him afterwards (or at least have that physical capability). I want friends who aren't afraid of being as they are. I want friends and lovers who know how to go out for a night on the town with next to no cash in their pockets. I want to live.
But most of all...I want to stop wanting things so damn much. Not just things of monetary value, but things of emotional value which in the end turn out to be completely meaningless. "
Maybe I fall under the same crime. I struggle to want better and more for myself, and yet I find nothing in my opportunities. In the everything that I do, I don't seem to feel enlightened or appreciate the fact that I'm doing what I've ever wanted. My mind is not satisfied. I demand so much out of every ounce of my time that I don't know where to begin. Then I begin tosee myself as a failure. I refuse to see myself at that point! It will become a self-fulfilled prophesy if I let things happening the way they keep going.
I miss the city. What shall I do in the city? Find an inspiring job. One that will bring me satisfaction in the everything I do. Even when it is down to the nitty gritty details of paperwork. I'm talking about social work. More like working for the underprivileged. Especially kids. Children deserve all the love, nurture and care they can get. To provide for them an environment full of possibilities and opportunities for kids to grow and be accepted. That's the kind of things children should be surrounded with. Ok, so without much further ado, I am done with this entry.
I worry about the decisions I make. I fret over how the next few years of my life are critical for it may break or set me. Then again, there are so many adults whose stories I've read (from The Sun Magazine) tells me that it's never too late for anything. Heck, people are still falling in love at age 50 and finding the love that they've been searching for all their life. Then there are those who are just starting over, someone who has healed from alcoholism and living the sober life.
I try to put things in perspectives. Maybe I'm taking too much into perspective. I think of those who have influenced my life. People who I love and look up to (literally and figuratively).
Right now, if you were to look into my brain, you would see a jumble of mess. For instance, I'm suppose to be studying for my exam I will be taking at noon Wednesday. What am I doing at this hour writing in my blog? No really, while I was sitting in class, I was having the hardest time trying to concentrate and focus on what my professor was lecturing about, something about Amino acid metabolism. I couldn't get my mind to listen to him though. My eyes wandered over to my fellow classmates. I envy them for looking so confident. I question them in my thoughts, "How do you know that's the right path for yourself?"
Many will respond and say, "No one knows really." True, but that's so much easier said and done.
I blame it on my perfectionist side. That I want everything to be perfect but nothing ever really gets done for I fear that it won't be done or go the perfect way.
Live it with a passion.
My how that sentence seem so strong to me. One girl who's profile I was reading had something this:
"I want to run around naked in the rain on a hot summer day. I want to know what the word "peace" really means. I want my parents to know that I'll be able to repay the favor. I want to be able to do a windmill. I want to smoke and drink and play darts with some interesting blokes. I want to wear a corset and garters only to have them torn off before fucking historical-romance style in a bed with gauzy curtains and silk sheets. I want to be a revolutionary and change the world. I want someone who understands what I am and wouldn't change me for anything in the world. I want a love worth dying for, whether a cause or an actual person. I want experiences worth writing about. I want to get into a bloody fight with a guy and fuck the hell out of him afterwards (or at least have that physical capability). I want friends who aren't afraid of being as they are. I want friends and lovers who know how to go out for a night on the town with next to no cash in their pockets. I want to live.
But most of all...I want to stop wanting things so damn much. Not just things of monetary value, but things of emotional value which in the end turn out to be completely meaningless. "
Maybe I fall under the same crime. I struggle to want better and more for myself, and yet I find nothing in my opportunities. In the everything that I do, I don't seem to feel enlightened or appreciate the fact that I'm doing what I've ever wanted. My mind is not satisfied. I demand so much out of every ounce of my time that I don't know where to begin. Then I begin tosee myself as a failure. I refuse to see myself at that point! It will become a self-fulfilled prophesy if I let things happening the way they keep going.
I miss the city. What shall I do in the city? Find an inspiring job. One that will bring me satisfaction in the everything I do. Even when it is down to the nitty gritty details of paperwork. I'm talking about social work. More like working for the underprivileged. Especially kids. Children deserve all the love, nurture and care they can get. To provide for them an environment full of possibilities and opportunities for kids to grow and be accepted. That's the kind of things children should be surrounded with. Ok, so without much further ado, I am done with this entry.
posted by extreMEly at 2:35 AM
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