Despite Pessimism

Today I had a very pessimistic conversation with my good friend R. All about my contemplation with suicide. She was right however, I wouldn't voluntary take my own life. Although I won't say never.

I don't remember how we got into the conversation. But she asked me a good question "Is there anything on this world that would hold me back from taking my own life?"

I thought about it long and hard.

And said, "No, not really. There's nothing here on this earth that I'm dying to try to achieve, experience, or attain."

I don't need a big house, fancy car or all the money I can get, you can't take it with you after death anyway.

I really don't think so. Ever hear that saying, "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Well that was my justification. Although in a more pessimistic way. The way I see it is that, the more you understand, the more you DON'T know. There's no point to it. It's easier to just lay among the dirt of this earth and call that the natural beauty of life.

Only thing holding me back right now is my consideration for the love that my family and friends have for me. Yeah, I know that if I take my own life. My 3 younger sisters would be disappointed, my parents would be hurt and my friend R would be hurt as well. I know they love me, they love me more than I deserve to be loved.

On the bright side of things, I feel as if I have found peace in myself. I was given a good life, it isn't in my right to ask for more either. I was born into the best family the world can offer me, given the best and comfortable life I was given. Have enjoyed some of my best life's moments thus far, I really couldn't expect more. I'm at ease with it all. If God were to ask me if I wanted to move myself aside and let someone who has never experienced what I have experienced, I would do so immediately. Let them take my spot. I feel like my life has been an overjoy.

Yes, we can all point out there there are plenty of things I still haven't seen or done. Differences that I still have yet to make. But I don't see a point in it at all. No matter how much I do, there will be so much more to do. We all die anyway. There is a possibility that death is only the beginning, and I won't hold it against anybody if in fact it was my time to leave.

Frankly though, with all the argument and contemplating with R, it just makes me feel like this life ain't all it's cracked up to be. Fuck it. I want to leave it all behind already.

It'd be selfish and mean for me to leave it all behind, but it's only an occurence that will hit the ones I love for a small period of time and life will continue on. It always does.