I want to fall again...

Warning: This will become psychotic.

When I was a teenager, and it wasn't that long ago that I was one, I
asked God (who I thought then would pre-determine what would happen in
my life) him to send me a life full of possibilities and wonder and
love and challenges, all in my lifetime. I asked him to send me a life
of adventure, ups and downs, sideways and waysides. Basically, I asked
for everything.

I didn't really know what I asked for. But now upon reflection, I
think he gave me what I asked. I did not expect to get into a
relationship with one of my best friends. Ironically, all that wonder
and possibility I asked for is in fact in my head. I wonder all the
time. I play the "What if" game all the time. And if you asked me,
isn't this what I asked for, I would tell you, "HELL NO."

All this wonderment and curiousity makes me feel so unstable. Such
instability that I have no idea where I want to take my life. Where I
want to plant my roots and just grow. My g/f tells me all my
uncertainties makes me "flexible." Shit, if I could have it another
way, I might just want to dig a hole, jump in it and hide.

My uncertainty, insecurities, blah blah, it's driving me nuts. It
makes me want to ruin my life and what I have that I hold so dear and
just break it. I feel like I hold this life ball, which is made out of
glass and so pretty, up too high.

As it has been said many times before: Life is overrated. Indeed it is.

I don't know what I expected back then. I don't know why as a kid I
thought life would become so magical, colorful and ever-so-fulfilling
as I got older. And it hasn't been so, it feels drab. I feel drab. I
feel like it ain't going right. Now I feel like a little child who
didn't get her candy.

But seriously, tell me, as Jack Nicholson said in his movie, "Is this
as good as it gets??"

Well, don't answer that.

Voice of the People: Give some credit to Today's college students

Give some credit to today's college students

Carol Khou
Published March 20, 2006

Urbana -- This letter is in response to some letters featured in the
March 8 Voice of the people column, which were responding to "In debt,
forever; How can you cope with $55,000 in student loans on $33,000 in
income?" (Page 1, March 5).

Sure, blame it on the college student for being in debt.

Blame those who want to work for public service or non-profit agencies.

After all, it is easier to blame students for debt that we incur in
school rather than looking at the broader picture.

As a freshman who received no aid and a stack of loans, I fully
empathize with the students featured. I am appalled, however, by what
the Boomer generation (some members of which wrote some of the
letters) seemed to think about college debt.

One writer seemed to think that it is our fault for going into debt,
blaming the fact that students preferred private universities to
public ones.

As a student at a public university, I would say there is good reason
for this preference.

Let's face it.

Private schools have more funds at their disposal to help students financially.

Because of the size, they are also better equipped with career counseling.

Let's not kid ourselves. In this competitive job market, the school an
interviewee attended matters a lot. Many employers are going to give
preference to a person who graduated from a highly esteemed private
school as opposed to someone who attended a public institution.

I also resent the implication that students spend needed funds on
trips to Cancun for spring break. Because spring break is upon us, I
thought this point hit close to home.

Sure students spend money foolishly. But so do adults.

Whom do you think we get our ideas from?

I think that adults who have been through the college experience
should refrain from placing all the blame on students. Instead they
should teach their children (or the children in their families)
money-management skills.

Also people should not single out students entering non-profit work or
other thankless fields, such as teaching and social work, for the debt
that they incurred. As a student who wants to enter the field of
social work, it is discouraging to me that "educated" citizens would
scoff at the profession and wonder why I would not elect to try my
hand at being a CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Despite what the Boomer generation thinks, my generation is growing up
and assuming more responsibility than they give us credit for.

Getting Drunk... High... and all that bad stuff for my body

I feel a craving for it. Yes I do. I crave for a little bit of
destruction. I want to get a little drunk, and this Wednesday Barcrawl
can be a night to have a little bit of fun, or one of my roommate's
birthday is coming up, so it'll be a little bit of good-loving fun. I
say, yes, it will be fun.

I kinda miss those days when I was single, cuz I did things that did
not require a second notice. Anyhow, a little bit of fun before my
graduation.

My graduation is this May... ack! I'm not prepared for the 'real'
world yet, ooooh, no.

I don't GET it

I mean:

You eat and make garbage

You drink and make dishes

You bathe and the bathtub gets dirty

You live and make dust

Then why can't you clean up after yourself??????

Take OUT the garbage

WASH the dishes

CLEAN the place up

I don't understand why she doesn't take part in cleaning up the apartment. WHAT is so hard about cleaning up after herself??? Jeez, I don't have all the time to be cleaning up after her f*cking self all the time.

Break Away

Since we are all in the midst of internet era, we must talk about death. Yes, death. What I mean to say is what if this person, young or old, kept an on-line journal, profile, etc etc during his or her lifetime, suddenly passes away, should their on-line presence still be kept for the public to see? Should their last journal entry of what was going on in their life be kept up and remembered. Their last day, a picture of the life they had be kept online.

I believe it should. I don't think that if when a person is no more in the physical world should their virtual presence be taken away. It should remain where and how that person kept it. I don't think it doesn't really hurt anyone, matter of fact it may actually help family or other friends through their grieving process. The comment page can be where friends write a tribute in remembrance of the deceased. It's a virtual gathering with people from all over the world to remember this person. Almost like how a parent might keep their child's bedroom the way it was from when they left. That space is a remembrance of that person.

Well now. What do you think?

I cried for her

Last night, I was so upset that a student alumna past away last week on Friday, during the students celebrate of Unofficial St. Patrick's Day. That's the day where anyone who cares to drink starts at 7 am and lasts until whenever you decide.

There was only a short little excerpt about her on the front page of the newspaper. It said that she died at 11:53pm on a motorcycle accident, the driver of the motor was apparently intoxicated. She was wearing a green shirt that said, "Unofficial St. Patrick's Day." She died of head trauma about 3 hours later.

She didn't have to die. Really. I laid in bed seriously disturbed. I went online to search for her through google and I found her Xanga page. (It's another journal blog).
www.xanga.com/carebear83

Her friends there are already saying goodbye to her. Telling her to Rest in Peace.

Who knew that this would happen? She lived such a good life. Had recently found the love of God and was living her life for him. I found a testimonial of hers that talked about her years as an undergrad and finding her way to God. She had great dreams, was in her first year as a Grad student at UPenn.

I was really sad, but I didn't think I would cry. I laid there, thinking about the fragileness of everything a human life consists of. How life is so good one moment and the next it's gone. People will miss another's passing. I realize that she'll never come back. Never. People say, "never say never", but in this case, I think it is okay to say that she is NEVER going to come back.

I don't think I could ever understand why death should happen to young people like her. Why death? Is death a form of punishment? or release to a greater path?

I was contemplating all this with my g/f and she cracked a joke that had me laughing so hard. The next moment, there were tears streaming and I couldn't stop crying for the girl. I was frustrated and angry at what had happened. She just didn't know. Her plan was to go back to school this next week and continue on with her studies. She was only visiting her alma mater, She didn't know that this was going to be the last place she sees.

I hope she rests in peace.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

It's been about two weeks since I've blogged. And I do apologize about that, am grateful to readers who come by and spend some time on my page. This blog has been a place for me to talk about anything on my mind, some therapy time and extra opportunities for me to improve on my writing. Writing has always freed my mind from whatever troubles I had. I vented my anger, frustrations, sadness, all the bad as well as the good. Blog about the everday happenings of my life, I've enjoyed it immensely. That little bit of creativity that I think I have, used to express me. That's why it's Extre-ME-ly. Last syllable just fits very well in the context of my life.

My blog is where I can be an extreme Me. That I'm not too much for anyone or anything.

Funny, well. I had hopes that there would be many extreme topics that I get to talk about. Over time however, I don't know if it was anything "extreme." lol, I like to stay away from drama so there's not so much extremeness to talk about.

Sometimes I do wish my life was more exciting to rant about. Other times, I'm so glad that my mind is so free from worldly troubles, I sleep very well at night. Thinking that at least I do not have the worst of problems most in the third-world are dealing with. I'm grateful for that. And I don't ever wish for anything hard to come my way. Sometimes I even don't think I deserve all this goodness in my life. That I get a bed, a place to sleep--good clean food when I want, and environment almost free of crimes. I have it good, too good that I wish I could share with those who have never been able to experience this kind of peace in their life. Have you ever felt that way? That your life and being is bubbled over with so much good that it is overflowing? What a waste?

Well, everything is all good.