I want to fall again...

Warning: This will become psychotic.

When I was a teenager, and it wasn't that long ago that I was one, I
asked God (who I thought then would pre-determine what would happen in
my life) him to send me a life full of possibilities and wonder and
love and challenges, all in my lifetime. I asked him to send me a life
of adventure, ups and downs, sideways and waysides. Basically, I asked
for everything.

I didn't really know what I asked for. But now upon reflection, I
think he gave me what I asked. I did not expect to get into a
relationship with one of my best friends. Ironically, all that wonder
and possibility I asked for is in fact in my head. I wonder all the
time. I play the "What if" game all the time. And if you asked me,
isn't this what I asked for, I would tell you, "HELL NO."

All this wonderment and curiousity makes me feel so unstable. Such
instability that I have no idea where I want to take my life. Where I
want to plant my roots and just grow. My g/f tells me all my
uncertainties makes me "flexible." Shit, if I could have it another
way, I might just want to dig a hole, jump in it and hide.

My uncertainty, insecurities, blah blah, it's driving me nuts. It
makes me want to ruin my life and what I have that I hold so dear and
just break it. I feel like I hold this life ball, which is made out of
glass and so pretty, up too high.

As it has been said many times before: Life is overrated. Indeed it is.

I don't know what I expected back then. I don't know why as a kid I
thought life would become so magical, colorful and ever-so-fulfilling
as I got older. And it hasn't been so, it feels drab. I feel drab. I
feel like it ain't going right. Now I feel like a little child who
didn't get her candy.

But seriously, tell me, as Jack Nicholson said in his movie, "Is this
as good as it gets??"

Well, don't answer that.