The Everything I said I would

nursing school

2008-04-08T00:35:00.001-04:00

that's where i've been at.

a pending move on april 19th. then i'll be in the big windy city. i'll be living away from my g/f. she'll stay in a town about 3 hours away from me. bittersweet because i missed the city so much. very exciting things always goes on in the city. i'll be starting nursing school in may. exciting.

It's been a while..

2007-05-25T16:33:00.001-04:00

I have trouble trying to publish through the keyboard and seeing my own writings on screen. It seems to take the intimacy out of things. i think i will soon go back to writing in a personal journal.

things seem to be going smoothly with me . For the past 5 months, i took a Physiology & Anatomy class at the community college, and worked full time at the Mental Health Center. I got an A in the class, but won't be taking any classes anytime in the next year or so. I think i want to rest a bit before trying to think again about where i want to lead my life.

I'm still doing the soul searching, and I don't think my search is ever going to stop anytime. always thinking if i've made the right decisions... or whether i'm heading where i want to be 20 years from now.

my relationship with g/f has been well, we've had our arguments but i find that we love each other very much. we still live with each other, and find that we know how to tolerate each other better. right now i'm waiting for her to get out of the shower so we'll go grocery shopping, coffee shop to work on some paperwork, and then spending the evening together.

Most of our friends have moved outta town since they graduated, and my g/f and i find that we have to find hobbies to keep ourselves sane. Which brings me to my mention of the goal to lose weight. Our goal this summer is to lose 5 lbs or work on building some muscles. ..

love my g/f even more, part 1

2007-01-02T00:38:00.001-05:00

cherish the moments that i get to have with my g/f. i love those
tender moments when i can look into her eyes and validate the feelings
i get from her. sometimes i feel as if our personalities are as
similar as night and day. other times i look at our lives and it's not
as opposite as i may make it seem. she loves me for who i am and i
love her for who she is. i love her for loving me, respecting me and
pampering me. i try to do the same for her.

my g/f and i started off as friends, freshmen year of high school,
it's been 8 years since then. we've only started dating these last 2
years. before that we were caught in a love triangle with between my
now current g/f who i will call Butt and another of my best friends
whom i will refer to as Lambchop. you see, my g/f was in love with
Lambchop, Butt was infatuated with lambchop and adored lambchop like
no other.

As freshmen in high school the three of us started off as friends who
identified as straight females.. haha, my that has now changed. I am
now dating Butt and Lambchop is in some fling with this other girl. So
now we are either lesbian, bisexual or just clueless. Someone on the
outside looking in would have never predicted the drama that would
ensue in the next 8 years of this friendship/relationship.

It was finally in college when Butt acknowledged to Lambchop that butt
had soo much feelings for lambchop. lambchops, the way i saw it, sort
of went along with the attention and love she received from Butt.
Lambchop failed to ever communicate to tell Butt that feelings could
never reciprocate..in retrospect Butt now feels as if she was used.
anyway, when it was sophomore year in high school that I saw this
ongoing relationship between my two best friends. i was hurt and
disappointed, feeling like a third wheel whenever i hung out and i
felt jealous. at first i didn't understand it, i assumed it was
because my two best friends are getting to know each other on a whole
other level that i could never understand.

i decided to leave them alone and find another group of friends to
hang out with. I left the friendship hurt and lost and my attitude
being very cold towards Butt and Lambchop. They didn't really care
much since there were in the moment with each other. I saw them every
now and then for the next couple months down the road whenever i saw
the two of them hugging cuddling and just being so close; i couldn't
help but notice an urge inside of me for Butt. Feelings of my jealousy
for Butt. I wanted Butt to look at me with those same loving eyes, i
wanted to love her be close to her. And i felt like i could love Butt
so much better than lambchop ever could. Lambchop enjoyed the
attention she was getting from Butt but only saw the relationship
between the two as just "friends with benefits." Butt wanted more than
just benefits. I saw the pain that Butt was going through. Lambchop
never came out of the closet. The relationship between Butt and
lambchop was very secret and behind closed doors, it was taking a toll
upon Butt because the feelings she gave to lambchop was ignored. It
hurt me to see Butt in this kind of pain and bind that she did not
know how to get herself out of. Butt was just hopelessly in love with
lambchops.

the holidays

2007-01-02T00:10:00.001-05:00

I posted this the day before xmas, i don'tknow why it didn't show up,
therefore i am trying again. ...

the holidays

my g/f left for the city to spend the holidays with her family. one of
my guy friends will be coming to town to stay with me and spend xmas
with me. i'm glad i won't be spending xmas alone. my family are all
home together for the holidays and i'm not there to see them.
unfortunately being in the 'real' world does not grant you the
privilege of 1 month off for holidays nor the 3month summer vacation
most students get.

i worked on the overnight so i came home at 8a to go to sleep. woke up
at about 2p and spent most of rest of the day cleaning up, fixing
things around the apartment. i cleaned extra hard since there wasn't
much else better to do to keep me active. i was also proud of myself
to be able to use everyday products to do a very thorough job.
products like baking soda and vinegar works very well. Add a little
bit of dishwash liquid and washing soda and you've got homemade
cleaning products. i'm also starting to make my own homemade laundry
detergent. i would imagine that it's going to be fun to make and cost
efficient to use.

i also made some hummus today. yummy. yesterday when i went grocery
shopping i bought some tahini and so i added that to my hummus. yummy
i love hummus, it's so healthy for you and low in fat. high in protein
and high fiber. and even more healthy when you can eat it with a whole
wheat pita bread or whole wheat bread. i added honey to the hummus and
i think it came out a bit too sweet though.

i wanted to stay away from the television today and i managed to do
that. This morning a long time friend of mine called to say that he
was throwing a 'winter solstice' bbq party tonight at 10p after work.
so i guess that's going to be part of my plans for tonight. i'm a
little bit of a social awkward person i don't talk much when it comes
to being in big crowds that i don't know much. plus his friends are
different from the ones that i usually hang out with. it's that thing
where crowds of friends are different--your sport buddies to your
shopping buddies kind of difference. at least that's how i see it.

this college town is pretty much dead since most students go home for
the holidays. so this little party/get together would give me some
social contact at least.

i am surprised that 3 out of every 5 of my neighbors are still here
instead of going home. i pass by their windows when i go by to go work
or throw out the garbage. lights on means somebody is home.

i'm going to try and make it a goal to write a lot more often. today's
entry didn't have much of a topic, and i do apologize for sending you
through such a slow topic day.

whoo, that was a lot of nudity

2006-12-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

yes that's right. I just got through a whole lot of porn. haha, my
sister reads this and i know when i talk about sex with her, she gets
uncomfortable. so sis, if you are reading this--i recommend you turn
your eyes and click the "back" button to wherever you came from.

anyways, being the lesbian that i am, it is dificult to find lesbian
porn. most of the lesbian stuff i've seen are geared towards the
straight world. wtf is that? yeah lesbians get horny too you know.
anyways the porn i've seen does not turn me on in any way. Those girls
have loong manicured nails, ahhhh! stay away from me. i'm gonna bleed
and it's not because my hymen broke! it's your nails you damn bitch!

so i was in a horny mood and since my g/f has this subscription to
porn--i figured, why not. and so straight porn turns me on. yeah, it
makes me want to have sex with a man. is that weird? but i know that
if i had to get through with it, it would not be the right thing for
me. i would feel used like a piece of meat. but the feeling i get from
watching those porn, i wonder how those girls do it? what is that
freedom that allows them to have sex uninhibited by the camera? after
an hour or so i got sick of that that dick & pussy crap that i stopped
watching and left the site. enough of that stuff. what is interesting
is that one of the girls i recognized off a website i use to visit
long ago. A site that had girls wrestling and whoever loses gets
fucked by the other girl with a strap-on. it turned me on for about a
month and then i stopped watching. oh where oh where is my g/f to take
away these feelings of desire? oh yeah, she's in a coffeeshop
somewhere studying to be a doctor. she's too busy to spend some TIME
with her g/f.

speaking of my gf, she is actually going to leave me in about 9 days
to go see family in the city. that means i'd be alone for about 2.5
weeks! i don't know how i'm going to spend x-mas without my family or
my gf but i'll try my best.

Bonus Time!

2006-12-07T21:17:00.000-05:00

I got my bonus check from my job today! hip hooray!

And I went to the dentist today and instead of paying for the total
amount of $151.00, my co-pay amount was only $40. hip hip hooray!!

So my g/f and I went out to celebrate with dinner out. Not too bad for
today's spendings. I also received an application form for the
Flexible spending account... this is going to be a toughie for me to
predict how much i'm going to spending for this upcoming year.

College Classes again

2006-12-06T23:19:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of going back to my community college to take some
classes in January. Maybe enter the nursing program in Fall 2007.
Yeah, nursing. I should probably call the hospitals in town to see if
i chould shadow a nurse or a respiratory therapist. i went to the
community college yesterday morning spoke to an advisor and filled out
a college application, paid my $20 application fee and today i sent
out my transcripts. Yup, that's it. If everything falls into place I
will be able to start off with an anatomy class and move towards
nursing in the fall. That sounds exciting don't it? I think so.

currently i've been feeling a little friend-less. my g/f seems to be
always busy with school and most of my other friends in town are busy
with finals. i was so close to placing a personal ad on craigslist to
find someone to hangout. Someone who isn't a student and have bunches
of time on their hands to hang out sometime. Go shopping, drink
coffee, play videogames with me, go to the bookstore or just plain
hang out. my little group of friends is going to dwindle even further
when they graduate in the springtime and move back to the city. i
won't have anybody left except for my g/f. i better do something about
this... or else i'll be friendless for sure. i fear that i won't find
someone i would click with. ah wells i'm gonna try something-maybe
really put up that ad for a friend.

Invest in yourself

2006-12-04T16:38:00.000-05:00

my girlfriend and i were talking about career/dream jobs and our
retirement strategy. She thinks i worry too much at such a young age
that I am already thinking about how much i will have for retirement.
here's what i think: since i'm not planning on having any kids i won't
have children who will be watching out for me. I have to make enough
to provide for myself independently. i don't think i'm planning too
early because it takes about 30-40 yrs to build up a hefty amount. And
considering inflation at 5% per year and the american dollar getting
weaker. that just means i have to work harder at making something for
myself. granted, my current job is in an industry that makes just
enough for my living expenses i need to spend wisely.

i'm trying to think of two things at once. That one, it is important
to focus on my future. Currently i work as residential recovery
advocate with the mental health industry. i help my clients with their
recovery goals so that they may one day live independently. I hope to
take some more classes next fall to work as a respiratory therapist
and work in the hospitals. Everyone has their share of hospital stays
and i want to be aware of what goes on in the hospitals.

secondly, the thing i'm worried about as well is my retirement. my
hope is to retire with my g/f in a comfortable life. I need to buy a
house and to have enough to spend about $30,000 a year for 10 yrs.
That's only an estimate if my retiring years is going to be 10 yrs or
longer.

A Box with 4 wheels

2006-11-22T22:22:00.000-05:00

I got one of those...what do call them..? A car? a car??? yes!! !!!
yes!! I'm so excited i can't wait until i sign over the final papers
and bring home my brand new 07 Honda Civic. She is beautiful. ....
beautiful... dazzling...

While I was in the thought process to purchase a car I wanted to buy a
used one. I mean, who the hell wants to pay for the depreciation price
when that first year is the biggest?? No, not I. however, my parents
were against my buying a used vehicle. They said that it was not worth
it, the used car would spend most of its time in the shop. I would
just spend money and time and car won't be reliable. It was tough, i
really couldn't let go of money that has been saved for awhile. I
wanted to used the saved money for more worthwhile things... my
retirement, for one. I'm only in my early 20s and I'm already thinking
about retirement. yes, i am dead serious. But upon more thought and
serious consideration, i figure that this car would take me farther
through life. That i would get more enjoyment from spending this
$18595 and findng fulfillment in a better job and freedom. having a
car means that I am not bounded by the limits of public transportation
and high costs of taxi's. it means I may travel to different cities
and it means that i may choose where i want to live. A place that will
allow me to have a dog!! yes, i would take on the responsibility of
taking care of a pet. I thought I would have gotten a dog by this Sept
already but things came up and plans had to change. I'm stuck living
another 9 months in this place without a doggie!! How sad.. :(

Well now, with this car I don't have to depend on my g/f for rides or
take advantage of using her car all the time. I can take classes next
fall, I can work full time .. and I can have a doggie.

been working on it

2006-11-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

I do apologize for not keep up pace with this blog. My last post rants about my g/f and since then we've been trying to work on our differences and I try to not push her buttons. She will do the same. There is a part of me that wants to make it work. Make this relationship work and see where we go after a couple more years. I mean, sometimes i'm so damn happy when i'm thinking about me and her together, other times i get frustrated and find myself asking why the hell i havn't left the relationship yet. but hey, i don't want to give up on things too easily yet, especially now that we're in our smooth ride at the moment. i'm sure in the next week or two coming she'll do something that would irk me and send me reeling my mind off at her. shaking my fist and banging on this keyboard to vent out my frustration. so far there haven't been dishes breaking yet and i hope not.

work--has been great so far. i'm sure my coworkers are trying to figure me out. i can be the quiet one and not really the outgoing person who volunteers information at a whim, but so far i've come out to 3 of 9 coworkers. it's actually a comforting reality when i tell them, no, i don't have a boyfriend but i do have a g/f. One girl bursted out like, "No joke??" like i'm kidding..nope. it's those moments when i tell them i have a girlfriend that i begin to feel good about our relationship. i go home that night and hug my g/f extra tight just because i got to mention her to someone today. maybe i can start making that as part of my daily goal review. "Mention g/f to someone today" ... haha, nah, i'm still shy.

the clients that i work with are seriously, the salt of the earth. they make life like what it is suppose to be. just live your damn life. yes, all of my clients are dealing with mental illnesses that they try to cope with and are seeking help with. And they try so hard, it's so hard not to sit down and cry for them. they try so hard to pick up the pieces that they got left and live with themselves again. it's quite courageous and very moving for me to see them everyday like i get to. my coworkers some of them are such garbage mouths it gets me mad sometimes. I wonder why the hell they are at a job like this if they have so much to complain about.

my goal for this new november month: to write more in general, whether it be in my blog or in a journal. i miss writing and have been considering picking up a notebook and write again since i don't get much time on the internet as i'd like anymore.

no i don't think so

2006-10-18T01:23:00.000-04:00

i don't think my relationship is working. she is pssing the hell out of me. she thinks i'm inconsiderate? she doesn't fucking ever talk to me anymore. when something bothers her, she doesn't tell me. she doesn't tell me anything, i don't know what is going on in her head. i can't be considerate if i'm inconsiderately bothering her.

she makes me look like i have the long end of the stick when i don't think so. i think she doesn't play it fair. she fucking forgets everything. she doesn't clean up in the house and whenever i don't feel like talking to her because she's been annoying me. she thinks i'm the problem. ugh, i'm so mad and frustrated at the moment. i don't know where to take this relationship anymore.

we've been having our downs lately, and the other day i told her i needed a break. i demoted my status as "girlfriend" to being "just-slightly-beneath-the-g/f" status. Then 2 days later she wants to talk to be about just being "friends-with-benefits" .. she thinks that if we don't work out in this coming year than we should look into dating other people. i think she is right, maybe it is time we look elsewhere cuz i'm just sick of her shit. we don't get along like we use to anymore. i think over the time i've gotten more critical about her and now it's just too overbearing for her. there's only so much a person can take. and i broke her boundaries of how much she can handle.

yeah, that's just it. it's not working anymore. i'm so mad at her right now!! i want to scream at her to fuck off.. i want my own apartment away from her for a couple of days. i can't stand it right now.... my blood is just boiling beneath my skin, my fingers trembling as i write this. i think to myself that i have had enough of this bullcrap.

bullseye!

2006-10-03T01:55:00.000-04:00

i finally got the job.

i called my interviewer today to "follow-up" --she said that she couldn't give me a definite response on anything but will hear from her on tuesday afternoon. but surprisingly, she called me later this evening and said she got approval from her supervisers and I got the job! i will be coming in tommorrow to sign official papers, take the grand tour, etc. ^_^

yipp yipp!!.. my g/f and i celebrated with some good chinese food--crab rangoons and orange chicken for me! ooh..yummy!

my g/f says she's really happy for me, says that she hates it when i'm sitting around the house doing nothing. hey, i've been cleaning after her these days.

perhaps my subconscious knew there was going to be good news b/c this morning, i walked into a pastry shop and decided to treat myself and g/f with some yummy sweet treats--brownie, a slice of Amaretto Mousse, and a strawberry danish, cost: $8. yikes, a little splurging today but i don't mind, it's worth it for what i'm about to get into for my job! yayayzers!

my heart is in the spirits today. to think that this is my official real job is something worth to celebrate indeed. this is when and where i am embarking onto my career. although i do plan to go back to school for some certification, i think that getting my foot wet in this sort of job is where i want to head in my life. i look forward to a career of helping people, and hope to help them shine some light into their lives. those who deal with mental illness always feel as if they are in the dark and no one could ever understand. it's a big and heavy burden to carry. i can only hope to lighten their load a little when i tell them that i want to help them, to be there to listen to them--listen to their fears and happiness.

i wish my life was more

2006-10-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

more passionate
more exciting
more spontaneity
...mystery....fantastic...amazing...thrilling...warm.. more ideal...more intoxicating...

and i know there is no one else to blame but me. it's all my fault. i don't allow myself the courage to live more fully, more dangerously...perhaps that would make me a more interesting person, no? i never imagined my life like this at age 22.. i thought i would have had more drunken nights, more sex, more scandal, more fights and pain. instead, when i reflect, my life has been pretty boring. save the little bumps here and there. i tell myself, "no more, you need to make it more exciting" ...but i don't know how. i'm afraid people won't like me. i'm afraid that i'm just too uptight about making things right that i can't live with excitement. you see, along with excitement, scandal and all that i mentioned above comes those nights where i just wish i was somewhere else. if you were to meet me, you'd think, "man, this girl is moving along a good path" --beginning her career, just finished college, has a great financial stability, great friends and a good girlfriend. ... it's like when life is going so well, there's a tiny part of you that just wants something shocking to happen.. something fun and out of ordinary. maybe i've just been really bored these days... or maybe waiting for that phone call (my previous post) is driving me nuts.

drunk off of life... deliriously loving life. many people say that you can't hold onto things too tightly b/c life can just let you go anytime. they're right... death can hit you just anytime, but why should anyone live and fear it? no regrets.. I said, "no regrets." yeah, that's right.

i love my family, i love my sisters, i love my girlfriend, i love my sanity...

Agonizing

2006-09-29T12:38:00.000-04:00

I went to a job interview this past tuesday and now i'm just waiting for a response. the smart thing to do would be to just not stop there but keep going to job fairs and looking for places to drop off my resume. however, the job i interviewed for is the one i want. it's my crucial first step to launching myself down that career path in the mental health field. minimum qualification for the job was a high school diploma and compassion for working with people with mental illness. i'm all for it. so why is it that it's been 3 days and i haven't received any phone calls? the wait is agonizing. i'm already talking as if i work there, refering to the job place and what they do and i use the word, "we." like "we" just cleaned the carpets on tuesday so that was my she was unorganized. so with the bare minimum qualifications, i should be more than qualified right? plus, i got word from one of my references that they called to talk about me. that's a good sign!! that means i'm being considered for the job...so why no phone calls yet? i keep checking my phone for any missed calls and if i have the ringer on... ahh, it's an obssessive compulsion. plus, i've seen this position open since the summer! that's 3 months ago this position was available for anyone. AND i'm also a volunteer in one of their branch departments. I'm already somewhat affiliated with the company! ... ahh, just call me and give me the job already. tell me when i can start and i'll be all yours. i will dedicate myself 200% into the job. please please please...

yikes, i sound desperate. i don't care. i really want this job, granted i would get crap from my parents for accepting a job that i'm more than qualified for and at such low pay. ...

Coming home

2006-08-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

my heart is split into two places, although i know which path i would eventually pick out.

i'm currently 831 miles away from my g/f and i do miss her dearly. we talk on the phone almost every night, there was a night or two where either of us were too tired or fell asleep already. she began her first week of classes last week and has been quite busy w/ classes, work, moving in and unpacking, etc. i've been busy helping my family move out of state and settling into our new residence. thankfully all transitions have been moving smoothly and the family is adjusting really well, including my chihuahua--JJ. the puppy raw food diet had to be disrupted for about 4-5 days and getting him started back on it brought on cases of diarrhea. Really not his fault. poor thing. we live really close by the american grocery stores so quick access to fresh meat and 50% off manager's special is always nice.

my parents would love it if i could stay with the family here. find a job here and live with the family. i'd be closer to a lot of things--both my grandma's are in-state, my father's side of the family are here. for the first time i'm gonna have little nieces and nephews running about. i never really grew up w/ an extended family, besides the youth center kids. maybe just the idea of having nieces and nephews sounds better than it actually is.

my g/f misses me and wants me to go back and live with her. she's lonely in her studio apartment and feels like she has no outlet. someone to come home to and talk and spend the evening with. if i could be in both places at once, it would be amazing.

In the olden days

2006-08-19T22:21:00.000-04:00

I remember back when I was young, i thought i was living the best life that it had to offer. I had a loving family, a house full of sisters, cool parents and my meticulous grandmother. my folks weren't rich or anything, more like towards the middle end of the spectrum. my family ate well and slept well. I considered it to be a good life. i went to a diverse 4000 students high school, made some faithful friends and had supportive mentors. my parents had their bad days but they were just parents trying to raise 4 kids in an urban city. now i feel like I have my family back again and i feel really happy inside. my parents are not stressed anymore and my sisters are getting older, learning and feeling their way around the world. They're not preoccupied with the store business and a living in what i felt to be a dead end city.

in the next two days, we're moving the family and belongings to another state. actually back to my home state--where my parents first met and got married. i hope that the future will be welcoming my family warmly to new experiences. my parents are worried about having to look for jobs again, but they know we don't need too much luxuries in order to survive or to furnish our lives with necessities.

i left my g/f back in my college town but i hope to back back there soon in the next month and half after my family got their crap settled in the new and old cities. back in college town i'm gonna have to go find a job and figure out what i really want to do in the next few years of my life. i have an idea about what i want to do and just need to take the necessary actions towards my goals. i want to continue doing crisis hotline--i enjoy helping out with the crisis line immensely. i would like to take some more classes next year (2007) so that i could get a certificate and work at a stable job. establishing some sort of stability in my life means having a regular job, having a relationship with my family and girlfriend, having some good friends and having some more goals for my future. this summer a lot of things have been going through my head since i havent really had a job and have been surfing the web this summer.

i've even got into BARF feeding for my little chihuahua. he's so spoiled, everyone says so. anyways, he deserves to be. BARF--stands for, Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. Yes, that means raw chicken, raw beef, raw fish any raw meat. It rreally ranges with what we have on hand. BARF is still relatively controversial as opponents to these diets say that dogs will suffer from bacteria like ecoli, salmonella, etc. however, in the past 3 weeks from personal experience, my chihuahua looks so much healthier. his bald spot that was near his hind leg is disappearing and his fur is so sleek and soft now. i've done a whole lot of research on it and have joined yahoo! groups that have members who have been feeding raw for years. They will swear by it and thus i follow their examples. i'll update on the health of my chihuahua has time goes on. the only sad thing is that he is my family's dog so when i leave out-of-state, he'll be back on his regular processed dog food.

we also had to take my other dog, Teddy to the pound yesterday. it was heart-breaking to have to bring her to the pound but i find that the situation couldn't be helped. since my family is moving they can't take her because of her size. Teddy is a rottweiler and about 90 pounds. She's huge and by her appearance will easily intimdate anyone who crosses her path. Teddy is really a shy and fun-loving puppy at heart though. b/c of her size, her life was mainly spent outside our backyard patio. i am ashamed that my family had to put her away like this. how do i ease my heart of this matter? is this one of those decisions that we will regret when we reminisce about our past. even though i was not home often to spend time with Teddy i will try to think good things about.

Hey miss baldy

2006-07-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

every once in awhile, we come upon curiosities and we say, fuck it, just do it. haha, and so last night i was curious what being bald would feel like. so, giggling and smiling michieviously i shaved it all off. yes, I am completely bald .... "down there." My ..ooooh, so smooth.

lol, no! i didn't shave off my long hair. I shaved off the other head.

i got so sensitive while doing the deed. all the time thinking in my head, "omg--i'm gonna cut myself any moment now!" then i would totally regret it and never do this again! i always had the curiousity of what myself would look like.. haha

my first impression.. brought me a whole flood of memories of when I was a kid. it was actually embarrassing even to myself. i wanted all my hair back. the things i do to myself, really. and I knew my g/f would be so amused when she saw. she started cracking her ass off which further made me feel even more embarrassed. I've been egging her on for awhile to do it to herself--but she could never think of it. She could never think of torturing herself like that, she says.

i went to the mall today, walked around a bit. and since miss baldy was just clean shaven and still very sensitive (i never realize how many times my clothing would rub there until now!) my walk around the mall was quite sensitive and uncomfortable. I look down at myself and think my gosh... i lost my precious! .. haha

never, never--i don't want to do this no more. gimme my hair back!

Update: Site Feed

2006-07-26T18:55:00.000-04:00

I'm new to the "news aggregator" and site feeds, it didn't really interest me last year since it was much more fun to surf the world wide web of blogs and visiting pages. However, this got quite time consuming and distractions were everywhere. So, this morning I got into playing with the whole RSS and ATOM and placing a link to my page.

So, if you're interested, I have just added a site feed link for your convenience. Happy reading!

Every now and then

2006-07-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

we get lazy days!

I've had a whole month of lazy days! Yeah, there were responsibilities like getting my wisdom teeth extracted, volunteer and packing my stuff (getting ready to move across town). So really, I've done a whole lot of nothing. I got to read a lot, play a lot, sleep a lot and do nothing a lot. It was good. I also got good news from my family--they're planning on moving out to another state!!

You see, my family had a family business. My dad always had dreams of being his own boss. So until he actually got to experience it, he found out that he actually didn't like all the responsibilities. That it was actually a stressful, no-fun job! After two years of playing-your-own-boss, the parents decide to sell the business and get the hell outta the state. So in the upcoming month or two, I will be helping my family pack their belongings, find a moving company, and haul ass over to the state of Texas! yahoo! (cowboy style) I hope things will run smoothly now that my parents are free from their stressing job. One that only allowed at least 5 hours of sleep a day. Hey, they were missing out on REM (rapid-eye-movement) sleep, the most important stage of sleep in an 8 hour sleeptime. REM sleep is supposedly when you are in your deepest slumber and your brain rids itself of toxic brain chemicals and fixes your hormones and tidies up for your upcoming next day. No wonder my parents were always strapped for sleep and grouchy and might i say, aged a lot in that past two years.

My sister got a new puppy and so now we got two little runts running around the house. how cute.

down the drain

2006-07-01T15:27:00.000-04:00

eloquence is my name. desire is who I want inside. intelligence is what blesses me. humor is every part of my body. things feel like they tear up inside, and i tell you. i will fight and struggle to my very last of my breath. jealousy is my last name. i quiver with every blink of an eye. passion fills me up like air. tension is everywhere i go.

what is your name?

i feel like i can go crazy. i feel like standing at the highest point of earth and screamm and yell out my life. that's all i can live for anymore. no really? i don't feel anymore, i can't think anymore. i feel a loss of my desires. i feel like a tornado has ripped my insides and out. we live for the next moment in life. but we don't know where it will take us. some of us have troubled minds. funny, actually--everyone lives with troubled mines and broken consciences. we all call out for our next step and just blindly step forward. do we really know what we live for? do you really know why you answer your own questions the way you do? no we don't. we just think we do. and throw this facade to our fellow brothers and sisters. our precious mother earth can no longer direct us teach us and comfort us. what will happen with it is gone? do we kill and eat each other for our survival? yes ... no, we all live differently and we all desire differently. love live laugh in many different ways. yet everyone thinks they have what it takes to take them through the next day. we don't know the whole truth. we give ourselves the truth. you and i, we'll go on like nothing is really forever. truly--memories are suppose to last, but they don't ever do. we burst in anger at the world, at ourselves for not comprehending no longer. it's what we live for. we think we know.

explain yourself. no i don't think anyone can. no one knows why human nature is the way it is. why we live the life we do and how we make our own graves to lay in. we go crazy, and do crazy things like that. that's human nature. we will forgive and forget and we will kill and love. we might take our own selves and think to control it, all we have to do is take the human life away. that is how we can control what is not ours. that is how we pretend to live our lives. guilt and pain is all the same. no one knows for sure where the definition is. it is not something we want to find out but maybe we fool ourselves to let it be. and we will live our sorry ways. we will we will.

Perverts

2006-06-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you know this but i volunteer for a crisis hotline and so stories are always interesting, but sad to hear. Every now and then we get a caller who uses the hotline for sexual purposes. since i'm a new volunteer, i wasn't very well aware when I got one of my first calls today. yay (/sarcasm)

this caller sounded scared and nervous at first and wanted to share his story. i thought, "he's sounds genuine so why not?" anyhow, in the end, i found out he was a fuckin jerk-off. (pun intended)

i felt so used and manipulated in the end that i wanted to call his fucking ass up again and curse the fuck outta him.

So maybe it's my fault actually for allowing the call to reach that point, the smarter thing would have been to stop all talking, give him options--a) either he stop and talk about something else or b) have my superviser call him back

i feel incredibly dumb for letting him use me like that.

jeez. but you live and learn. i told my supervisor and we have his fuckin name down. he's not gonna get away with this next time.

curse those fucks who use the crisis line for their sexual gratification, now that i know better --i'm not gonna let them use these calls like that again. grrr, i'm still shaken up by the whole thing. here i was thinking this was a genuine guy who was feeling guilty and didn't know who else to talk to. I'm so nice, too nice sometimes.

It is nice to celebrate

2006-06-22T17:17:00.000-04:00

Today would be the magic number. It's funny because everyday or everytime i see the number 6 2 2, i would immediately associate it with my birthdate. Even if it was 6:22pm or am, i would for that 1 minute be happy b/c it is my birthday. I don't like the aging part, but i do enjoy the celebration that today so-so years ago was when i came into this world. Why wouldn't anyone celebrate or commemorate the day?

this year i would have wanted to celebrate w/ my g/f, however, we got into a ruckus this morning and i've just told her that i don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Not w/ her nor w/ anybody. I can't stand it anymore. Ever since i was young i've always imagined my life alone. I always thought when i got older and was self-sufficient, i would have my own place, own car, and own solitude. I realize time after time that I don't work well with others. Sharing my life with someone else is not so sweet as i once thought it was.

so today i celebrate it alone.

The little black book

2006-06-21T16:54:00.000-04:00

It should be kept hidden, it should have never been found. My high school friends and I use to keep this little black book that got passed around between the 4 of us and we wrote anything and everything--boys, poems, pictures, random thoughts. It's funny how we go back to it and read it again and find out how much it reveals to us when we're older now. of course, we're older, more mature and experienced now and that book somehow shames me. i'm not as close friends to those girls anymore due to distance, romance problems and separation of personalities. So to have those girls read through that book again and figure out how not much has changed since. I feel a little naked. That little black book had private thoughts and points of views that i'd rather have it put away for now. i feel like it reveals too much about me yet we all can dismiss how that book only keeps a memory of who we were back 6 yrs ago. so much has changed since and so much else hasn't.

that book shouldn't be read again and made mockery of now. it should be thrown away and cast out of our lives like a distant memory. i feel like to have somebody read it would be an intrusion upon my most private childish thoughts. They are thoughts that now as adults we keep hidden and deep down inside whereas when we were teens it was still worn on the sleeve for all to see.

There I go Again

2006-06-03T14:45:00.000-04:00

...wishing that my life was somehow more better or more exciting. and that makes me such an ungrateful being.

and some people are just destined to be evil.

i'm back from my vacation and now visiting my sisters parents and grandma. i can't believe how time flies by so quickly. but everything is almost like the same thing. no body likes to be here. everyone wishes to be elsewhere other than here in this town. the sad thing is that once my family leaves from this town, we won't miss anything other than our dog Teddy who we might have to leave behind. other than that, it's like a long lost dream fulfilled. i want my family out of this town, we have an evil aunt here whose goal in life is to make my parents life miserable. she is constantly on their backs trying to get my parents to pay one bill or another. her excuse is that, our lives are better off b/c she convinced my parents to move the whole family down here and go into a grocery business. no, it hasn't been good since. it's been a hard knock life. my aunt has sucked the life, happiness and innocence of our family. she leaves behind only bitterness. oh how i wish her a painful and lonely death. she's 49 years old and to me, i consider that OLD... she's a bitter and angry old hag--who has alll the money in the world, has no kids... i don't understand why she has to go for every bit of gain she can get from us and other people. she intimidates us with her lawyers and legal papers but that does not take the best of us. we have never seen evil like her. fuckin bitch.

okay on a happier note. my trip to sanfrancisco, los angeles, las vegas was a blast. it was 2 weeks on the roads with my girlfriend and i loved every minute of it. of course we had our little bickering but that made it all the more fun. my g/f is such a darling, sometimes i don't see why or how i could get so mean towards her. wow, g/f does not have a temper towards me. but i could go off on her at the slightest annoyance i can get sometimes. yeah, i yell at her. she still spoils me. i love her and she tells me how much she as well. we do hope to go on for a long time... yet i still feel a nagging sensation pulling a string at the back of my head when i talk about our future together. i feel a slight pessimism when i think about how the future would look like. at the same time that i wish our lives to be happy together i have a need to tell her that maybe i'm not the one. i have tried to tell g/f that maybe i'm not that one, maybe we should part our ways for a little bit to see where we would take our lives. the other half of my brain tells me that i'm happy with her that i can't ask for a more better partner and that i would miss her terribly if ever i had to leave g/f. she makes me really happy, when i am unhappy she tries to make it better, she tries to listen and care about my trials and errors. and somehow the nagging feeling tells me that that isn't enough. if i were in a fantasy world, i can imagine myself take a leap of the edge of cliff and soar away. i'll close my eyes and just fly away from all this doubt and negativity. but i can't. i wonder if that is what everyone else is holding onto. they found a good thing in life and just can't seem to let go to see if they would find an even better treasure. I don't even want to think of myself like that. that i'm holding onto g/f b/c she is the best thing in my life right now until i find the next best thing. i don't like to see myself in that light, yet i can't help but feel as if that is it. that is what i'm thinking about all along.

i can never be sure what life holds and i know that there are a lot of possibilities and imagination if i let myself live those great moments. and at the same time i feel as if all the greatness and desire of all good things in life only sounds so much better in words. or looks so much better only in dreams and imaginations.

i still love my g/f.

through the woods and all those mountains

2006-05-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

i've been away from home for about a week now. i graduated last sunday, yay to me and the next day, my g/f and i left for the west coast. we hoped that we would escape from the dreadful rain that was haunting us during graduation weekend, and alas i come to the west to find los angeles and san francisco amidst in their own clouds and rain. how sad is that? that means no sunny days and no summer tan for me yet. nothing but wetness, sadness and gloominess all around. i got to see some new sightings, the roads in san fran were incredible, just ups and downs. ooh, it made my heart beat fast everytime we had to slope downwards, and when the car had to pull itself up the hills, it was heart stopping to see the car work so hard.

we came to los angeles to see our long-time mentor and friend, Betty!! I love her, she made a big impression on my life while growing up. she still is, and it hasn't changed since the last time i saw her. it was like coming back to old days to be hanging out w/ her again. it's great, betty has the heartiest laughs and finds so much joy in the things she talks about. she makes jokes and is always bubbly happy. Betty is getting married!!! whoop! yes she is, she found a boyfriend--now fiance when she moved out to the west coast. they're really cute together, she calls him baby. I think they both compliment each other just fine. she's the crazy one and he calms her down.

my g/f and i have gotten into a couple of rough edges, times when she didn't want to get up from bed or when she forgot to bring the maps and her cell phone and i was driving around lost in the city of san fran. one of the things i hate most is getting lost while IM the one behind the wheels. something about that kind of uncertainty and the rules of the road that ticks the hell out of me. yesterday morning, when we were to take our 7 hour ride to los angeles, i was trying to get rose up and she was whining and complaining, did not want to get the hell up. grr... when i finally got her up, she in a whiney voice said, "why do i have to get up first." I responded, "b/c i got up first yesterday." lol, oh boy are we getting babyish, it feels like my sisters and i fighting in the old days when mom needed our help with some baking at 6 in the morning.

i also got a call from one of my sister yesterday telling me that my grandmother's store burned down. the whole store.. that store made good business and now it's all gone. my aunt and 2 uncles are devastated, they didn't get good fire insurance and might not be reimbursed for the amount the store was valued at. they might get only 1/5 of what it's worth.

well, that's all the time i have right now, will continue later when i get back home. i still have two more cities to see and that's las vegas, nevada and denver, colorado! wish me a safe trip!

Anonymity and Blogs

2006-04-26T18:40:00.000-04:00

I like to read blogs. They give me a bit of insight, a window into
someone else's world and for a little while, try to see what they see.
It makes me feel like i'm connected and a part of this world. that i'm
a seeing, thinking, human just like anyone else. it's not just blogs,
i love to surf around the web and find cool websites, learn about new
things, i can spend quite a lot of time on my computer. But most of
all, i like to read. I like to read and listen to what others have to
say about their life. It's like, I only get one life to live but w/
blogs i feel like i can live multiple lives at the same time...well,
almost like that. Anyways, it helps me get out of my head and into
someone else's cuz i feel like i'm in mines too much. Getting too
self-absorbed is not a good thing for me b/c then i start looking at
my life so pessimistically. anyhow, another thing is that i like to
learn about other people who has something interesting to say, i can
learn a good few things or two. Most of all, i like the anonymity of
it all. i can comment if i choose to or i can pass w/out sharing my
thoughts. i value the freedom of it all. to me, if someone is willing
to share something on-line, then it will be fair game to anyone who
decides to read it. Now, there will be those who abuse that privilege
and take it to the stalking extremes. So, that is when bloggers take
responsibility, use some common sense and don't share any identifying
information!! it's not that hard really.

i want to share w/ you all a little bit of immaturity that i
encountered last night. i am a little bit bothered, perturbed,
displeased by it and feel the need to tell it to my blog. last night,
i was reading another girl's blog (from now on, i'll call her High,
she likes to get high at least once a day), and at first i didn't
realize it, but i had to do a double take. I then realized she was
talking about me!! she didn't say my name, but she used a quote from
one of my entries and insulted me. here are her words:

------------
" 'Anyways, listen to Michael Buble!' Stupid girl, stop reading my
_____ and acting like you're all original when you're getting that
shit off of my entries. Think of your own shit to blog about, ugly."
--------------

earlier that week, i had written in one of my entries encouraging some
of my readers to go listen to michael buble, i think he has a
beautiful voice. and for some "ODD" coincidence she has that kind of
taste and both High and i have been listening to buble for awhile.

needless to say, some kind of tension started building up in me. i
have never been cross to this person, and i don't even know her! I got
really irritated and went into looking how she found out about me. i
found that she's been using some tracker program, which tracks
readers. for some odd reason, i find a bit of humor in that. High
likes to write and she blogs almost everyday when she isn't high, but
then again, she gets high everyday. So i've been reading her blog
since the beginning of April, i liked her writing. I kept my opinions
to myself, never commented on her writing. my opinions about her has
dropped incredibly low, and that she has very bad taste to feel that
she needed to call me names like stupid and ugly.

it got me highly offended to think that i need some kind of
inspiration to write in my entries and therefore go to her. oooooohhh
cooommmoonn, ugh, excuse me, i could crack up and throw my drink at
her but that'd be a waste of a drink. and for goodness sake, it's just
music. buble is quite popular nowadays, i really don't think she has
the right to insult me on it just b/c she thinks i 'got the shit' off
her blog.

i responded in my entry w/:
-------------------
"i'm not sure where some ppl get their negative energy from and i
really hate it when i meet ppl like that. i find it odd that some
people can be self-centered enough, or maybe low enough to think that
others simply cant find any inspirations in themselves so therefore go
and copy off of other self-centered people. be happy and dandy if it
floats your boat to think your world is that SMALL, cuz i have no
sympathy for you.

i think it's a little bit more of the jealousy side. when someone else
finds the same enjoyment from wearing that kind of clothing or listen
to that kind of music or like the same foods, to name a few.
self-centered people can feel like they're the only ones listening to
the music or find their kind of taste to be exotic so other ppl
shouldn't be able to share in that enjoyment.

i mean, fuck, buble is pretty popular nowadays--thanks to his voice
and his many songs in the movie, "Wedding Date"---Which is how i found
out about him, no fucking thanks to nobody, except the movie producers
and all those involved in making the movie.

i can't believe someone psst me off like that. shit, i actually
enjoyed reading your blog, thought you were a nice writer and a cool
person, so excuse me for making such assumptions about you."
-----------------------------

i guess maybe she reacted like that b/c i was intruding too much onto
her private space, reading too much of her thoughts, so she needed to
insult me and make me go away. fine, there's plenty of other things to
read about, so i'll let High get on w/ her life and i hope she just
doesn't bother me either.

so what did i get from all this:
1) not to read her blog anymore, she made her point clear
2) im beginning to dislike those tracker things b/c i realized that a
lot of other ppl are doing the tracking as well
3)

Some pictures cuz I like em...

2006-04-17T00:12:00.000-04:00

It was raining really hard today....

Here's some pictures of my lil' guy. He's a cutie and all the roommates adores him. ^_^

My systems of support

2006-04-16T22:26:00.000-04:00

I would like to evaluate some of my systems of support in various areas like physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

physical:
I would like to say that when I need support, I would try and run a couple of miles and tire myself out. i would run my brains out so that leaves no room to think about my troubles. however, sooner or later i would have to face my troubles and fears. i use to run, i don't anymore. my physical mode of support right now would be my girlfriend's hugs. i love 'em. they're warm and confident and supportive and emanate with love. i use to love my mentor's hugs. she gives big, tight hugs--they just suffocated you w/ love. she moved out to the west coast and i haven't seen her in almost 3 years.

emotional:
when i need an ear to listen, i would pick up the phone and call my sister. we don't talk about my problems b/c i don't know how to start it or approach it with her, but we talk about lots of other things that makes me laugh and later i realize my problems aren't so bad after all. i call up some other friends, talk about life happenings and such. i call up my mentor and tell her how lost i am and how i can't figure things out for myself anymore. she gives me a hearty laugh, that makes me feel like i'm being hugged. all my emotional support are miles away but i feel a whole lot better when i reach them with a phone call and talk to them. my girlfriend provides the support when she sees me in tears or when i'm feeling fear about something, she tells me that i'm okay and worth much more than i think i'm worth. it makes me feel better. a good conversation is always worthwhile.

mental:
being able to write it out. i like to write, been writing since i was in junior high. it started out as a diary about a crush i had on a boy about 5 years older than me. i liked him so much i almost stalked him. he gave me butterflies in my stomach when i saw him. too bad he never knew. reading helps me relieve my mental stress as well. i surf the web and read postsecret or read The Sun subscriptions, they're a good independent magazine. my kind of reading about life. it helps me realize that i'm not the only one who goes through my life woes and problems. i like to listen to music, or watch tv.

spiritual:
myself. it's all like a mental thought process. i lay down in the dark and think that it will get better tommorrow. that now is not forever and that things eventually move on. it won't be so bad. i try and find the strength inside me to make myself feel better. mostly, that strength comes from my other pillars of support. sometimes it also helps me to ask god for a little bit of help to make things better. I ask the gods to help protect my family, to help them be strong and persevere through what they have to go through. sleep is also my spiritual meditation, haha, i enjoy it. eating helps bring my spirits up, food helps nurture the mind as well as the body.

Oil and Water don't mix

2006-04-12T23:37:00.000-04:00

It's frustrating when you have different group of friends who don't mix. It's not like I want everyone to be one big happy family (although that would be nice) and maybe I do want it that way. Why can't everyone get along like chocolate chip cookies and milk? See, my problem is that I want to go on a road trip but my friends won't get along with each other for the 2 days, 50+ hour ride to California. My girlfriend, the one person that I want to spend the most time with, has the most problems with getting along with my friends. She says she feels a) uncomfortable, or b) can't stand their personality, or c) have trouble communicating with the other friends. It was her whole idea to bring along some friends for the trip and now that I asked if others want to come, my g/f has a problem with that.

Sometimes I wonder how my girlfriend and I are together. Our group of friends are so different and yet g/f and I get along together fine. I feel like we live on two separate worlds sometimes. Just yesterday, I was at the grocery store w/ my g/f and brought up a story of a nutritionist's husband who died of undiagnosed diabetes. He was tremendously overweight. He was basically a walking heart attack. Could the nutritionist have done something about his eating habits while he was alive, i mean they were husband and wife! Maybe and maybe not. I always tell my g/f to try and add more fruits and vegetables into her diet, even whole grain fibers would help her and a little bit of movement and physical activity goes a long way. Sometimes she takes my advice and other times, it's like I don't know her. Granted, I'm guilty of the same indulgences in my food choices and lifestyle.

It's also frustrating when my g/f is so sensitive to my side comments or remark I make about her. She says that I'm critical, too critical. I think she takes my comments quite personally, but I tell her because I want to communicate to her why what she does annoys me. I tell her what about her behavior or attitudes that makes me grouchy or petty. Everytime we argue about our differences, I always feel as if this relationship is doomed. I shouldn't be so shallow, but how does a relationship like ours stay strong we both are cut from different fabric? We both live on different principles and values, how we chose our career paths based on our personalities, different.. all different. We like different things. It's hard to pinpoint any similarities between her and me. Maybe except that we're both females and we sleep on the same bed. gah!

Jump on the Bandwagon and Make Hay

2006-04-03T02:13:00.000-04:00

if I were to follow our quick-paced, time-saving strategies and never spend a moment to ponder. i think i'd rather not live. why the rush? yes, why the rush to get things done?

things that annoy me: people who rush. people who talk fast or try to get through a conversation fast. people who drive fast.

where's the moment that you are suppose to enjoy? i agree with the statement that "nobody is getting younger so you better hurry up!" but i don't think it's any fullfilling to enjoy any moment at all. i see people who are so busy in the ''doing" that they're not paying attention to the ''being.'' getting through medical school in 4 years? that's crazy. you are suppose to save lives as a career but only spent 4 years learning about techniques, 3 yrs in residency. i know some ppl are already complaining about how long you're in medical school, but i would really like the option of taking it a bit slower. enjoy some of the youth, age or whatever stage that a person is at.

what's the point in getting this done and taht done and that and that and that.

I want to fall again...

2006-03-31T14:40:00.000-05:00

Warning: This will become psychotic.

When I was a teenager, and it wasn't that long ago that I was one, I
asked God (who I thought then would pre-determine what would happen in
my life) him to send me a life full of possibilities and wonder and
love and challenges, all in my lifetime. I asked him to send me a life
of adventure, ups and downs, sideways and waysides. Basically, I asked
for everything.

I didn't really know what I asked for. But now upon reflection, I
think he gave me what I asked. I did not expect to get into a
relationship with one of my best friends. Ironically, all that wonder
and possibility I asked for is in fact in my head. I wonder all the
time. I play the "What if" game all the time. And if you asked me,
isn't this what I asked for, I would tell you, "HELL NO."

All this wonderment and curiousity makes me feel so unstable. Such
instability that I have no idea where I want to take my life. Where I
want to plant my roots and just grow. My g/f tells me all my
uncertainties makes me "flexible." Shit, if I could have it another
way, I might just want to dig a hole, jump in it and hide.

My uncertainty, insecurities, blah blah, it's driving me nuts. It
makes me want to ruin my life and what I have that I hold so dear and
just break it. I feel like I hold this life ball, which is made out of
glass and so pretty, up too high.

As it has been said many times before: Life is overrated. Indeed it is.

I don't know what I expected back then. I don't know why as a kid I
thought life would become so magical, colorful and ever-so-fulfilling
as I got older. And it hasn't been so, it feels drab. I feel drab. I
feel like it ain't going right. Now I feel like a little child who
didn't get her candy.

But seriously, tell me, as Jack Nicholson said in his movie, "Is this
as good as it gets??"

Well, don't answer that.

Voice of the People: Give some credit to Today's college students

2006-03-29T13:07:00.000-05:00

Give some credit to today's college students

Carol Khou
Published March 20, 2006

Urbana -- This letter is in response to some letters featured in the
March 8 Voice of the people column, which were responding to "In debt,
forever; How can you cope with $55,000 in student loans on $33,000 in
income?" (Page 1, March 5).

Sure, blame it on the college student for being in debt.

Blame those who want to work for public service or non-profit agencies.

After all, it is easier to blame students for debt that we incur in
school rather than looking at the broader picture.

As a freshman who received no aid and a stack of loans, I fully
empathize with the students featured. I am appalled, however, by what
the Boomer generation (some members of which wrote some of the
letters) seemed to think about college debt.

One writer seemed to think that it is our fault for going into debt,
blaming the fact that students preferred private universities to
public ones.

As a student at a public university, I would say there is good reason
for this preference.

Let's face it.

Private schools have more funds at their disposal to help students financially.

Because of the size, they are also better equipped with career counseling.

Let's not kid ourselves. In this competitive job market, the school an
interviewee attended matters a lot. Many employers are going to give
preference to a person who graduated from a highly esteemed private
school as opposed to someone who attended a public institution.

I also resent the implication that students spend needed funds on
trips to Cancun for spring break. Because spring break is upon us, I
thought this point hit close to home.

Sure students spend money foolishly. But so do adults.

Whom do you think we get our ideas from?

I think that adults who have been through the college experience
should refrain from placing all the blame on students. Instead they
should teach their children (or the children in their families)
money-management skills.

Also people should not single out students entering non-profit work or
other thankless fields, such as teaching and social work, for the debt
that they incurred. As a student who wants to enter the field of
social work, it is discouraging to me that "educated" citizens would
scoff at the profession and wonder why I would not elect to try my
hand at being a CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Despite what the Boomer generation thinks, my generation is growing up
and assuming more responsibility than they give us credit for.

Getting Drunk... High... and all that bad stuff for my body

2006-03-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

I feel a craving for it. Yes I do. I crave for a little bit of
destruction. I want to get a little drunk, and this Wednesday Barcrawl
can be a night to have a little bit of fun, or one of my roommate's
birthday is coming up, so it'll be a little bit of good-loving fun. I
say, yes, it will be fun.

I kinda miss those days when I was single, cuz I did things that did
not require a second notice. Anyhow, a little bit of fun before my
graduation.

My graduation is this May... ack! I'm not prepared for the 'real'
world yet, ooooh, no.

I don't GET it

2006-03-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

I mean:

You eat and make garbage

You drink and make dishes

You bathe and the bathtub gets dirty

You live and make dust

Then why can't you clean up after yourself??????

Take OUT the garbage

WASH the dishes

CLEAN the place up

I don't understand why she doesn't take part in cleaning up the apartment. WHAT is so hard about cleaning up after herself??? Jeez, I don't have all the time to be cleaning up after her f*cking self all the time.

Break Away

2006-03-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

Since we are all in the midst of internet era, we must talk about death. Yes, death. What I mean to say is what if this person, young or old, kept an on-line journal, profile, etc etc during his or her lifetime, suddenly passes away, should their on-line presence still be kept for the public to see? Should their last journal entry of what was going on in their life be kept up and remembered. Their last day, a picture of the life they had be kept online.

I believe it should. I don't think that if when a person is no more in the physical world should their virtual presence be taken away. It should remain where and how that person kept it. I don't think it doesn't really hurt anyone, matter of fact it may actually help family or other friends through their grieving process. The comment page can be where friends write a tribute in remembrance of the deceased. It's a virtual gathering with people from all over the world to remember this person. Almost like how a parent might keep their child's bedroom the way it was from when they left. That space is a remembrance of that person.

Well now. What do you think?

I cried for her

2006-03-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was so upset that a student alumna past away last week on Friday, during the students celebrate of Unofficial St. Patrick's Day. That's the day where anyone who cares to drink starts at 7 am and lasts until whenever you decide.

There was only a short little excerpt about her on the front page of the newspaper. It said that she died at 11:53pm on a motorcycle accident, the driver of the motor was apparently intoxicated. She was wearing a green shirt that said, "Unofficial St. Patrick's Day." She died of head trauma about 3 hours later.

She didn't have to die. Really. I laid in bed seriously disturbed. I went online to search for her through google and I found her Xanga page. (It's another journal blog).
www.xanga.com/carebear83

Her friends there are already saying goodbye to her. Telling her to Rest in Peace.

Who knew that this would happen? She lived such a good life. Had recently found the love of God and was living her life for him. I found a testimonial of hers that talked about her years as an undergrad and finding her way to God. She had great dreams, was in her first year as a Grad student at UPenn.

I was really sad, but I didn't think I would cry. I laid there, thinking about the fragileness of everything a human life consists of. How life is so good one moment and the next it's gone. People will miss another's passing. I realize that she'll never come back. Never. People say, "never say never", but in this case, I think it is okay to say that she is NEVER going to come back.

I don't think I could ever understand why death should happen to young people like her. Why death? Is death a form of punishment? or release to a greater path?

I was contemplating all this with my g/f and she cracked a joke that had me laughing so hard. The next moment, there were tears streaming and I couldn't stop crying for the girl. I was frustrated and angry at what had happened. She just didn't know. Her plan was to go back to school this next week and continue on with her studies. She was only visiting her alma mater, She didn't know that this was going to be the last place she sees.

I hope she rests in peace.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

2006-03-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

It's been about two weeks since I've blogged. And I do apologize about that, am grateful to readers who come by and spend some time on my page. This blog has been a place for me to talk about anything on my mind, some therapy time and extra opportunities for me to improve on my writing. Writing has always freed my mind from whatever troubles I had. I vented my anger, frustrations, sadness, all the bad as well as the good. Blog about the everday happenings of my life, I've enjoyed it immensely. That little bit of creativity that I think I have, used to express me. That's why it's Extre-ME-ly. Last syllable just fits very well in the context of my life.

My blog is where I can be an extreme Me. That I'm not too much for anyone or anything.

Funny, well. I had hopes that there would be many extreme topics that I get to talk about. Over time however, I don't know if it was anything "extreme." lol, I like to stay away from drama so there's not so much extremeness to talk about.

Sometimes I do wish my life was more exciting to rant about. Other times, I'm so glad that my mind is so free from worldly troubles, I sleep very well at night. Thinking that at least I do not have the worst of problems most in the third-world are dealing with. I'm grateful for that. And I don't ever wish for anything hard to come my way. Sometimes I even don't think I deserve all this goodness in my life. That I get a bed, a place to sleep--good clean food when I want, and environment almost free of crimes. I have it good, too good that I wish I could share with those who have never been able to experience this kind of peace in their life. Have you ever felt that way? That your life and being is bubbled over with so much good that it is overflowing? What a waste?

Well, everything is all good.

Feeling the high

2006-02-18T20:04:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how growing up and watching those who you grew up with change. Yeah, change is good. It makes me miss the olden days. I want to go back to the old days because I'm familiar with them. If I could walk through the days again, I would do it because I already know what's going to happen. Maybe I wouldn't be such a worry wart that I am.

People I know that are doing things, having fun, enjoying life. How does everyone find their place to be themselves on this world? How do they love themselves better each day as the time passes? Where do they go when they don't find what they need? How do people stay strong and wake up to smile the next day?

There are those who live their lives to prove it to another human being, prove that they are worthy to be acknowledged as another human being, worthy of someone's love. While there are others who live for themselves. They smile, dance, and look beautiful for the person they are inside. They make decisions that makes them happy. They work hard to do the things they enjoy. They keep themselves feeling the high from one day to the next. That's it. They feel the high, and only they need to find the strength inside and move on. Dust off the dirty and negative feelings and move onward and upwards.

I'm so happy, she makes me so happy

2006-02-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

I've never been in a real relationship before and ooh, she just makes
me so happy. I love waking up next to her and kissing her. Her company
makes me smile, having to spend little moments with her is just makes
me feel complete!

We always talk about how we won't be able to find another like person
to match... yadda yadda, etc etc.

I wonder how true this statement is. That when we break away, how easy
or how hard would it be for us to move on? I don't know... I guess
time can only tell. I always think about how it only takes a moment to
tell her I love her and a lifetime to show her how much. It's true.
And I want to spend the rest of my life showing her how much I love
her.

So, it's finally Friday!!! Friday Friday Friday! It just sounds so
much more exciting in my head than when I say that aloud. Sometimes
when I'm in the mood, I brag about it being a Friday, no place to be,
no things to do, it's all but fun. Instead, weekends and Fridays turns
out to be those days where I think about what is the best way to spend
my Friday or weekends with the most quality fun as possible. Yeah, so
to be productive while I figure out what I can do, I would do
homework, papers, projects, presentations. Although with the many
breaks I take, I don't get as productive as I'd like to be.

Anyways, Friday's are always fun to be excited about! yes yes!! it's
FRIDAY!!! Happy Friday to you! Happy Friday to me! Happy Friday to all
those on earth!

The Human Spirit Prevails

2006-02-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

Although I am stressed and distressed, I believe I will prevail.
Because what is inside my spirit is not just the power to understand
but the power to overcome. I will do what is in my best interest to
graduate this school year with a big imprint on my graduation
transcript that I will PASS with flying colors.

That was my moment of empowerment.

I just hope it would stay like that.

So, it's a Wednesday. Once I get over today and follow through with
the next two days, I will be homefree towards the weekend, yippee! I
dropped one of my courses over the weekend because it was too
stressful for me. I don't like having stress. Stress is yuck, stress
should jump off the shores of Lake Michigan and stay there. Stress,
stop bothering me!

Now that I dropped that 4 hour course, I have more time to fool
around, to procrastinate and to do the things I love to do. Such as
surfing and writing blogs, surfing the web, reading the newspaper and
community happenings, i like to know what's going on during the
weekends even if I don't really go to them. Oh, and more time to cook!

I have recently discovered the power of vinegar. Vinegar!!! Yup,
preferably distilled. I made jalepeno peppers with them, I made
pickled carrots, and I'm going to make some Kimchi (pickled cabbage)
with it. Yay! And this upcoming weekend, I want to make Hummus!! yay
for chickpeas! yay yay for cooking! I'm excited, I can't wait to go
grocery shopping to buy my supplies. Been bothering my girlfriend to
take me to the store. I don't wanna go by myself. I usually do, but
this time around, I just want more company.

Dishearted

2006-02-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

Not sure where I'm heading for
Been busy with too much thinking and wondering
Angry with emotions
It gets her mad when I'm this way

I blame my PMS
How else would I say it
But most of all, I'm displeased with myself

I'm tired from sleeping all the time
Sleep helps me forget
of my world workings
I don't know what I should do
or even if I want to do anything at all
I'm clueless in this exhausted state of mind

What is that smell in the air?

2006-01-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

Windy day today. Yet, the sun was shining and dispersing its warmth. There was a smell in the air that reminded me of my good childhood days. The smell that tells me that something good is going to happen. That there was lots of fun to be discovered and that I should go outside and find it immediately.

I haven't smelled that smell in a long time. I think the last time I remember feeling like that was sometime my freshmen year in college. That's almost 3 years ago. Ever since then my memories of the days of these past 3 years was sad, shameful memories of myself. Days that my spirit just didn't feel like being uplifted by anything. The sadness could be attributed to many things: my family moving away so far, family financial problems with the new business, my feelings for someone that couldn't be recognized, my self-esteem just crumbled downwards.

Things are a little different now. It seems to have been moving upwards just a little bit. I have a girlfriend now. My family is doing very well despite the hurricane and still existing financial problems, but their coping strategies are more effective now. My sisters are growing up, the joy I feel when I see them all grown up. My plan to graduate soon and more adventures still coming. There's a lot that I can look forward to once I make some decisions. That smell in the air is returning back to me. I had wondered when it will be that I will enjoy the sweet sunny days and that dramatic smell in the air again.

Maybe it's time for my light to shine again. There's always sun after a rainy day, they say. I'm looking forward to it very much.

A lot of busy happenings

2006-01-23T01:38:00.000-05:00

A lot of things are going on in my life right now. I'm strutting up and getting my brain noodles to start thinking again. After a month long break away from school and studying maybe I'll perform better this semester. Besides, this is my last semester in college, I gotta seize the moment and make things happen.

I said some mean things yesterday and made her cry. It all started with her not wanting to go to the Bhangraa at the student union. It's a dance hosted once a semester by the Indian Student Association here and it's lots of fun. I try to make it every semester when I can, you learn cool new dance steps, listen to Indian music and watch the girls dress up in beautiful Saris and traditional Indian wear. Well, R is not much of a dancer and she doesn't like huge public gatherings like these.

We've discussed our differences before. She said that she doesn't want to stop me from going to the bars, clubs and going dancing --one of the few things that I really enjoy. She just won't join me. Only on rare occasions would she come. (Like maybe twice a year, out of the ten times I go). I usually didn't mind dancing with other people when I was single, it was a way for me to get to know people. But now that I'm committed and attached, my girlfriend doesn't enjoy those things. Now what do I do? I don't like dancing with someone else and having my g/f stay at home. I'll feel like I'm cheating on her. Oh and the dancing and going to bars drinking, there's a lot of flirting involved. It's tough.

So the past semester, I haven't gone out as much, I stayed at home and spent the quality time with my new relationship. But yesterday without thinking, I said, "You know, I don't know if you and me are going to work out." The moment I said it, I felt like an idiot and a jerk.

She turned around. From the side of her face, I can tell that I really struck a nerve. Her face turned pink after few minutes of silence, she said, "So you're pulling that card huh?"

I was going to start explaining why I said it. But she wouldn't hear it. She left the room and went to watch the Simpsons. I left her alone for a little bit to let her cool down for a moment. I went out to the living room, sat down next to her, hugged her from the side and started to apologize. After a few minutes, she turned to me and hid her face in my shoulder and started crying away. Gosh, I felt like such an asshole. My girl over here had to wake up 7am in the morning to go take a practice MCAT exam (an intensive exam spanning over 8 hours). She's home, feeling a little moody, not feeling too good about the exam and here I am, I just kicked her bucket of tears over.

I just kept apologizing and telling her how sorry I am, I really didn't mean to say it. I really didn't mean it. I said it out of my dumb non-thinking self. Just please... stop crying. I hugged her some more and tried to comfort her while she sobbed it up a little. When it was okay again, she still wasn't talking to me though, she wasn't mad but what I said had hurt her a lot.

After about half hour later, when she was in the kitchen cutting up some mangoes, I went to her and just hugged her again. she turned around to return my hugg and sobbed again on my shoulder. Jeez, what a jerk I am!!

R, she usually isn't emotional like this. I mean, rarely does she cry at all. Only moments when it's serious and she can't hold the tears would she let it go. This was serious.

I feared. I knew I had broke her trust, I broke all the things that I have said to her in the past. All the things that I did with her over the few months now comes all to this. Now how are we going to be a forever couple if we are so different from each other. I have told her over numerous accounts that we can me, that it's our differences that I love her. I love her sense of humor and when we cry, hug, kiss, make love. . . it touches a big part of who I am. I love her, but I've been having doubts.

All this need to be thought over some more . . . it all hasn't been explained in a few words or even a few journal entries, but it must be thought and pondered and journaled over..

But I got homework I must tend to at the moment..

to be continued...

Hey! Happy 2006!

2006-01-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

2006 Here we go, a whoooooooooooole new year to mess things up!

The roles we play

2005-12-26T14:19:00.000-05:00

I always imagined myself to be the submissive one in the relationship. The one that gets to be hugged while my partner has her arms around my waste or my shoulders. I always imagined myself to be in the passenger's seat the one who received the flowers not the other way around. It seems I find myself in the opposite role. I'm the one that is spooning her, I'm the one that feels like the dominant one. Our relationship is a weird one. She's more tomboyish than I am yet I'm the one who hugs her and comforts her in bed. It kinda conflicts with the vision I have in my head.

Turns out there's a lot of differences in the both of us. We can find the place to meet each other halfway with no problems that we actually like our differences. I'm scared however that one day we won't be able to meet halfway and there belies our woes and problems.

I like to hugged too and I want her to hug me in bed. Not me hugging her all the time, I do ask her to hug me, and she does but only for a short moment.

She asked me last night if I would like it better if I found someone that was more like myself. Someone who enjoyed going out to the bars and clubs more often, someone who would enjoy getting drunk and enjoy a little spontaneity more often. All of the things she isn't. I told her, "No. Someone that is too like me would get on my nerves. I like the stability that she brings to our relationship. I feel safe with her, I feel as if we could be together for a long time. Someone who is much too like me would not believe in long-term relationships. Someone like me would change her mind so fast, a relationship wouldn't be anything at all."

I tell myself that if I need a dominant/submissive relationship, then I should go find it with the male species. Maybe it's the images that I grew up with. That the male is the main bread winner and the female is the one who gets pampered. But ugh, I don't want that in total. I do love to baby my girl, I love her for all she is. So I suck it up a little and hug her in bed and baby her and caress her hair cuz she likes it like that. I wonder what images she has of herself when she imagines herself in a relationship.

Oh, and Happy Holidays to you!! I wish you a very merrry christmas with warmth and laughter joy and peace all around. I thank you for reading and commenting, really appreciate it.

Jealousy as GREEN as that green apple

2005-12-14T14:57:00.000-05:00

Jealousy is one of my weak points. I've heard that it's a lot of people's weak points.

Those two sentences sums up my problem. When I read another person's blog or see all their pictures they put up on facebook and I see all the fun they have I get jealous. I think about why their life works and why mines doesn't. Why their approach brings to them loads of fun and my approach brings me nil. ok, it's not that extreme. I've heard the general advice, don't look at other people's lives, focus on your own. There's always gonna be someone smarter, better looking, richer, skinnier and all that and then some. So quit it!!

There's the advice of looking at my good sides and work from there. Build my self-esteem with encouraging words. That I can achieve, that with the attributes and skills that I have I can have anything I choose. Anything that I want on this world, as long as I dedicate my power and energy to it, that it is possible.

I stray from that advice many times a day. But I also think about the things that makes me lucky. My ever-growing sisters, my hardworking and dedicated parents, a girlfriend who loves me and encourages me, and my friends who are always near to lend an ear. I have those who makes my life high-quality. And I know they all believe in me. I love them so much for that. Sometimes I feel like I let them down because, in my head, their expectations of me seems too high.

But I'm working on it. I'm working to make myself stronger. By being selfless and helping others, I can make it.

Lots of things happening

2005-12-12T05:09:00.000-05:00

Although there has been much happening, I don't know what I can write about that would give you a take home message. So just a little bit of rambling.

I've got a little pet hamster. We call him 'the little guy.' He's such an adorable little rodent. Eats sleeps and stinks up the place but we love him dearly. I can't wait till I get a pet dog. Dogs are more intelligent and recognizes you, etc etc, extremely loyal, loves to please you. And loves to be loved.

Anyways, finishing up this week with finals and then a whole month off from classes, exams, professors. I'll be home spending some time with family and the family dogs. I'm excited, I miss them terribly. Christmas is coming, which means I have to do my x-mas shopping before I fly home, they expect gifts. I know it.

And the bank, just increased my credit limit to $3,000! I know it might not be a lot of money to you, but that's money that if I should spend it ... would be so hard for me to payback. I can't use that money!! I won't do it. I simply won't.

My Time To Share With You

2005-12-01T15:12:00.000-05:00

I've been searching around for volunteer opportunities. Gotta leave myself room to study and have fun as well. But just signing up for opportunities is already making my heart feel lighter. I've always said I wanted to help out and be more selfless--volunteering is the perfect way for me to do it. It would get me to think less of myself and more about others.I can learn a lot of things as well.

Such as learning to be more non-judgemental. If you asked my friends, they would say, "HER? she's not, in fact, the LEAST judgemental of all." But haha, they know not what goes through my head. Lots. And one of the things I find myself thinking about is why he/she is living the way she does, I analyze, and analyze again what's going on in her head, etc, etc. They're not negative thoughts about the other, actually, it almost feels as if I'm comparing my life to theirs. Like why their approach works and not mines.

Anyhow, I'm hoping to work at a Child Crisis Nursery center just watching over the kids for about 2-4 hours a week. Another thing I'm looking into is a Crisis hotline number, being on call during the 24 hour day and picking up call for people who desperately needs someone to talk to.

I feel as if the past two years of my college career, I've been asleep. Yeah, Sleeping through my academic career. There hasn't been much things that is of significance that I've done. Yeah, I dealt with a lot of personal problems, at some point about a year ago that I had to go to therapy simply cause I couldn't hold all my problems inside myself anymore. I dealt with my family moving so far away from me. My huge crush on my roommate, whom btw is my sweet little girlfriend now. Helped a friend who was dealing with some jail time. Giving him lots of love and support. Though I have learned a lot and enjoyed a little bit of good times, I don't have nothing to show if I were to move somewhere in life. I need experiences and references and becoming less shy. I still feel like a shy child, always smiling. That's it. Meaningless smiles = meaningless life. Well, that's not exactly true to the whole sentence, but still, a good chunk of it.

Ok, that's enough of my rant for today lest I confuse you further. My brain is darting all over the place. *cough* ta ta! Hope you enjoy(ed) your day!

Exams along the way

2005-11-30T04:00:00.000-05:00

damn exams. I have two this week. I've been a bit lazy at updating and keeping up with my blog but I have been surfing whenever I get the chance. I just didn't want to write.

Hope you enjoyed your Turkey break. Thanksgiving with family wasn't too bad? I didn't get to see family, not this time. But I will be in about 2.5 weeks. I'm excited, I haven't seen them since May. O_o, the distance between my family and I cannot be replaced by my ass. Well, maybe half. KIDDING. They live too far for me to visit them regularly, I try to call them once a week, but my parents as well as sisters don't take care of their cellphones too well. It always runs out of batteries when I choose to call them. ah wellz, I still love them.

Sparkle

2005-11-18T16:52:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I find myself tripping on my faults and I always blame myself for it. No more!! I say. I don't want to trip anymore, I don't want to blame myself anymore.

My grades stresses me and worrying about them gets me older and makes me seem like an uptight bitch. I don't like it. I don't like to make myself go study all the time. But in order to do well in my classes, I find myself cooped up at the libraries or cooped up in a study carrel somewhere on campus.

I will sparkle, glitter and shine when I can hit myself in the head and tell myself, that it's ok. Getting a 'C' in my classes is not the most horrendous thing that's gonna happen to me. I know I tried. Knowing that I tried my best is what counts. Who cares if it doesn't fit the admission committee's expectations. I can always try again, or go try somewhere else. It's not THE thing that will make me wholesome. It's just not it.

I shouldn't be complaining but...

2005-11-14T05:42:00.000-05:00

It's hard not to criticize or compare myself so harshly when your roommates all around you are doing something that will profoundly enhance their wisdom and world experiences.

A little background: I have three roommates altogether, two of them are Architecture majors and R (who is my other roomate) is a pre-med double majoring in Molecular Biology and Psychology. I decided to go for a Food Science and Human Nutrition Degree with a concentration in Human Nutrition. I wanted to find a major that would be flexible and well learned enough that I could apply to anywhere I want to go to in my future. I wanted a degree that was practical. Right now, one semester away from graduating, I am still finding the meaning behind what makes any degree practical!

Anyhow, before I always believed that a busybody is a productive human being would mean a fulfilling life. It sounds as if the mainstream thought of city life and society got to me. That if every minute of every hour is not spent doing something productive, then it is wasted time. Wasted time = bad.

But in the past two years, my life has been nothing like that. I feel that I have been nothing but wasteful (as I still call it) of my time and being. I don't participate in any school extracurricular activities, and it was only this fall that I found a job and began working again.

Last year, I spent it studying hard. Although my grades didn't show it, I was studying my ass off studying and keeping up with professors' expectations. I didn't work, and almost all times I stayed around the apartment. Times that I recall that I was really waiting for R to come home just so I could be around her. If you knew my history, you would know that I was so into R. I just wanted to be around her all the time. I spent the 2nd half of that year going to therapy group sessions as well.

My sense of self-esteem seem to drop and bounce, sometimes breaking almost. I can't seem to hold myself so much as stable when it comes to telling myself, "I'm ok. Really. Everything is going to be fine, really."

Showers, and Sqeaky Clean Selves

2005-11-11T15:48:00.000-05:00

MMmmmMMmmhhh.. For the past two days in a row, me and R have been showering and bathing to-get-her! And yum, it was so goood. On the side note, she does take a long time getting herself cleaned. Bathing with someone was something I never thought I would do with someone I'm romantically involved with. I always thought that showering should be something done in privacy, I mean really, you're cleaning yourself touching yourself in non-sexual ways. Why would you want your significant other there watching all this? We might even get to see each other in non-sexy poses of the most awkward manner trying to get everything clean, esp around the hard to get at areas.

But well, it wasn't anything like that at all. I enjoyed it quite well enough, it was a dose of intimacy of our relationship. I was watching her do something that was an everyday task. If I were to close my eyes, I could still imagine her and how she looked. And it was very sexy. If you know R, you'd see that she isn't girly at all. She's rather a bit tomboyish and doesn't care if she farts in front of others. Or rather around the roomies. To me though, R is so exquisite, has alluring facial features that I could look at all day. She has a couple of moles on her face that is placed so strategically placed on her face. The way she smile, everything just sparkles. And when she sleeps (**swoons**), she looks so innocent and loveable.

I find that I love being with R as each day progresses. I miss her when she's not there. I love her kisses, I can kiss her all day. Eating, sleeping, walking, and living with her gives me thrills. When she kisses my back, it's so unbearable, I want to scream sometimes. But figuratively speaking, every ounce of my body screams with joy and happiness when I'm enjoying my time with her. She makes me feel contented with peach in my heart. She teaches me to be more selfless and more laid back about life. I just love her.

Broke is my middle name

2005-11-06T18:01:00.000-05:00

I realize that jeez, I spend a hell of a lot of money. Money that should sit nice and quiet in my bank account. Saving for my retirement you see. Where does the money go?

I like to dine out. I like to go grocery shopping. To see all the new products and 'new looks' of anything colorful. I like to go out and watch movies, spend on cups of latte and more fast food. Sometimes when I let friends borrow money, I'm not a hound in wanting it back. It is eventually lost. Oh, and do I love to shop. If you past by me, you probably wouldn't think so since when I'm in classes, I dress myself in t-shirts and sweats. (They're so comfortable!)

In the past, I use to keep such a tight hold on my money, I don't know what happened. I just figured that I might not live such a long time, why should I deny myself any enjoyment of what I could now? Except the eating out too much part might be what will cut my life a little short.

Sometimes I think too much
It drives me crazy
I think about the future
Thoughts about my past
What do I have to learn?
Am I doing this right?
Despite all the heeds that there is no right or wrong
I feel like I am wasting my time
Other instances I feel like I should see a psychologist
I think too much
I wonder about my opportunities
There are jealousies that wells up in me when I hear
what other people are doing
I want to live the adventurous life
Yet I feel as if I am stuck here
in this one time, and one dimension
My thoughts makes me hate myself and hate this life
I feel as if I have no more to live for
because I don't know what to live for
Here's my word vomit of the day

She travels around the world

2005-11-04T16:28:00.000-05:00

This girl here is traveling! I want to do just that!

Where are you going?

2005-11-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

If I could have a conversation with myself. Like walk down the street, and I see me walking in the opposite direction in all my glory and fame. I would stop myself and ask, "Hey girl, where are you going? Where do you get your confidence, will you share some for me?"

"I'm going ____ and doing _____ and meeting ______. It's going to be so great, I'm going to do _____ as well! I'll be ____ and ______ and _______."

"Wow, that's so exciting and great. I envy you."

"Aw, well now. Don't be! I've just found my niche and I'm extremely happy. Just stay true to yourself, do what you need to do and don't be lazy about it. You'll get to where you want to be."

When I was a young girl, I looked at the world with bright eyes. My daydreams saw myself doing great things, wonderful experiences that would fill me with joy. Life doesn't seem to glow so strongly for me no more. The decision in deciding what I want to do with my life has left me with so much doubt and sadness in myself. Depressing to say, I just wish I could figure out what I want to do. I'm at my patience end. I'm impatient. I know it's something that nobody ever knows for sure. Everyone old and young are questioning themselves are faced with reflecting with their inner selves. Somehow I'm not satisfied with that answer. I'm not satisfied to dismiss the fact that I won't ever figure out what I want to do. I could work on it, slowly and surely it will hit me so hard, the idea will topple me over and my world turned upside down. Wouldn't that be just the thing, just how I would like it to happen to me.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm reflecting too much. I'm looking too deep that I'm not taking a step or two back and realizing something. What will it be? Where are you going? Will you give me some guidance? Or how about you live my life for me? Cuz I'm getting a little tired.

There's been drama again

2005-10-28T02:16:00.000-04:00

On Monday evening, R told S that I will be living with R next year and that the three of us roommates won't be living together again. Apparently, S didn't like the idea of that at all. S throws a fit. She claims that R is abandoning S and not caring anymore now that there's a new girl in her life. Then S proceeded to punch R in the stomach. (R later claims that it didn't hurt that much, besides the fact that R was hungry at the time). S climbs out of the car, sobbing like crazy and slams the door. Very hard. That night S went to go spend the night at a friends place.

So this past Wednesday was R's birthday. And that morning, S hugs R and tells her, "I'm just scared of having to live on her own."

And now, it's Thursday evening, and everything is okay. S's room door is open, and she's friendly again.

*cough* I can't help but feeling a little suspicious that something is going wrong. How did S get over her distress over 2 nights? S usually takes longer than that, she takes months, in fact. What's going on? I'm a little worried, my eyes are throwing weird glances. I'm confused. My instincts tell me that not everything is what it seems.

I meant to ask R about it, but both of us are currently swamped under huge amounts of coursework we are busily trying to keep up with. I want to discuss some things with her. Both of us have been communicating more about our relationship these days. Reminisce about the past, and contemplate the future.

Thumper's birthday

2005-10-26T00:29:00.000-04:00

To snuggle close to you
whispers of your warm scent and glow
hinting that I am lost on cue
let them know through our immortal flow
tough won't lend us through any breakthrough

Today was my honey bunny's b-day! I bought her cake, bought her a card and some friends came over and we sang her the birthday song. The cake tasted great, I had two slices, hmmm, wonder how many calories I ingested.

A Matter of Self-Control

2005-10-19T19:14:00.000-04:00

I read this off of The Sun Magazine and really wanted to share it with you. I find this piece to be very beautifully poetic and sad in a way.

It sounds pretty crazy to take a knife, or a paper clip, or a razor blade and cut yourself and say it makes you feel better. A lot of people don't understand how the pain of living can be so bad that cutting brings relief. They don't know that each drop of blood holds a thousand unshed tears, a thousand moments of unspoken rage.
If you could cry or get angry, you would. You aren't stupid. But to express emotion is to risk the wrath of thos who cause you pain. Nothing is worth that. And so you cut.
You cut to control your pain, to wash away the rage. You cut when you choose, unlike the abuse, which happens without warning. Cutting belongs to you. The more you keep it secret, the more control you have.
I know all this because I used to cut. Nobody knew. I was married twenty-three years before I told my husband and learned to stop. I'm good at keeping secrets.
And yet, to heal, some secrets must be told. I breathe and lift the razor off my arm and speak the truth. That is the real control.

-Unknown
From October 2005, The Sun Magazine

We all deal with our issues differently and one of those matters takes us to the topic of self-control. Either it's within ourselves and how we lead our lives or even expressing control over others. There are the healthy or the unhealthy ways to do handle matters of self-control. To take anything out to the extreme is unhealthy. But really, what do you say to those who are hurting themselves? Those individuals who internalize their pain, and to release it, they cut and hurt themselves maybe eventually leading to suicide. My thoughts go out to those who are doing these kind of things to themselves. As individuals, we all deserve love and kindness, that to give is also to receive love. In loving yourself and loving those around you comes a sense of self-validation, self-gratification and a refreshing dosage of life, to what it really means to live.

I'm starting to feel a little uninspired again

2005-10-19T02:35:00.000-04:00

I go through these bouts from time to time where I feel as if anything I do in this life matters. So why live it?

I worry about the decisions I make. I fret over how the next few years of my life are critical for it may break or set me. Then again, there are so many adults whose stories I've read (from The Sun Magazine) tells me that it's never too late for anything. Heck, people are still falling in love at age 50 and finding the love that they've been searching for all their life. Then there are those who are just starting over, someone who has healed from alcoholism and living the sober life.

I try to put things in perspectives. Maybe I'm taking too much into perspective. I think of those who have influenced my life. People who I love and look up to (literally and figuratively).

Right now, if you were to look into my brain, you would see a jumble of mess. For instance, I'm suppose to be studying for my exam I will be taking at noon Wednesday. What am I doing at this hour writing in my blog? No really, while I was sitting in class, I was having the hardest time trying to concentrate and focus on what my professor was lecturing about, something about Amino acid metabolism. I couldn't get my mind to listen to him though. My eyes wandered over to my fellow classmates. I envy them for looking so confident. I question them in my thoughts, "How do you know that's the right path for yourself?"

Many will respond and say, "No one knows really." True, but that's so much easier said and done.

I blame it on my perfectionist side. That I want everything to be perfect but nothing ever really gets done for I fear that it won't be done or go the perfect way.

Live it with a passion.

My how that sentence seem so strong to me. One girl who's profile I was reading had something this:

"I want to run around naked in the rain on a hot summer day. I want to know what the word "peace" really means. I want my parents to know that I'll be able to repay the favor. I want to be able to do a windmill. I want to smoke and drink and play darts with some interesting blokes. I want to wear a corset and garters only to have them torn off before fucking historical-romance style in a bed with gauzy curtains and silk sheets. I want to be a revolutionary and change the world. I want someone who understands what I am and wouldn't change me for anything in the world. I want a love worth dying for, whether a cause or an actual person. I want experiences worth writing about. I want to get into a bloody fight with a guy and fuck the hell out of him afterwards (or at least have that physical capability). I want friends who aren't afraid of being as they are. I want friends and lovers who know how to go out for a night on the town with next to no cash in their pockets. I want to live.

But most of all...I want to stop wanting things so damn much. Not just things of monetary value, but things of emotional value which in the end turn out to be completely meaningless. "

Maybe I fall under the same crime. I struggle to want better and more for myself, and yet I find nothing in my opportunities. In the everything that I do, I don't seem to feel enlightened or appreciate the fact that I'm doing what I've ever wanted. My mind is not satisfied. I demand so much out of every ounce of my time that I don't know where to begin. Then I begin tosee myself as a failure. I refuse to see myself at that point! It will become a self-fulfilled prophesy if I let things happening the way they keep going.

I miss the city. What shall I do in the city? Find an inspiring job. One that will bring me satisfaction in the everything I do. Even when it is down to the nitty gritty details of paperwork. I'm talking about social work. More like working for the underprivileged. Especially kids. Children deserve all the love, nurture and care they can get. To provide for them an environment full of possibilities and opportunities for kids to grow and be accepted. That's the kind of things children should be surrounded with. Ok, so without much further ado, I am done with this entry.

Me and You and Everyone We know

2005-10-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

Notice that my title is a clickable link. Click it.

If you are near a theatre that is playing that movie, go see it! I highly recommend it. It won awards from the Sundance Film Festival and a Cannes award.

It's funny and deep at the same time. Very deep. You wouldn't think so because these are everyday people but they make choices and think the same as you and I do. Because of that, it makes this movie so real and so good. I love this particular sentence from the synosis of the move. Note: you'll probably have to see the movie to understand this statement but I will try to explain it to you as well as possible.
Here's the sentence:

They seek together-ness through tortured routes and find redemption in small moments that connect them to someone
else on earth.

They refer to the characters of me and you and everyone we know. We all go through our unique journey in our life and it's not an easy life, we all know that. Nonetheless, there are those moments when life suddenly places us in a position with someone else that seems to make the rest of the world stop and it feels as if it's just us two. That simple connection validates helps us ourselves and acknowledge the facts of life. When i read that sentence, suddenly the movie made sense in my head. I realized that movie has a message that silently prods you but when you get the sense of realization, it feels as if a humongous snowball had just run over you.

Oh so messy!

2005-10-16T20:47:00.000-04:00

Because I wanted to show my sister the place I've been staying at for the past two years or so. Right now, it's a very messy apartment. Hah, lemme show you my room.

This would be the entrance to my room:

And here's the interior of the room:

Did I tell you I like roses so here's my wall when I had cut up an old calendar.

Cyclone Pasta

2005-10-16T17:36:00.000-04:00

I had some great pasta at the Outback Steakhouse yesterday evening. So good that when I warmed up the leftovers, it tasted even more better! Although when I heated it there was the oil streaks that it left behind on my plate.

Yummy!

Clyclone Pasta:

Penne Pasta
Alfredo Sauce
Slice Grilled Chicken
Tasso Ham
Sun-Dried Tomatoes
Shiitake Mushrooms
Topped with Fresh Basil and Garlic
Melted Cheese on top was Gouda, Parmesan and Provolone Cheese

All made for a spectacular ride on the taste buds!

I wrote it all here in case that I might need to make it in the future for myself. Homemade. Can someone direct me to the best recipe for Alfredo sauce made from scratch? yum!! I wonder if the regular grocery stores sell sun-dried tomatoes? Where do I get something like that?

All That Jazz

2005-10-16T08:09:00.000-04:00

I just read the last sentence to my previous post and thought to myself. Jeez, I sound like a whiny bitch. So, you must excuse that.

I'm procrastinating again. It's 7 am Sunday morning, I woke up extra early so I could get a head start on studying. Hoping that I could study all day today.

Can I say that I love my baby boo. Yesterday was Sweetest day or was it Friday the official day? Nonetheless, she got me a vase with a combination of beautiful white roses, white lilies and Jasmines, white as well, and various other green leaves they decided to stuff my vase with. Yup, that's the picture of it. It was so scrumptiously sweet of her. Just on Friday we had a conversation about flowers. R had casually mentioned that it would be weird for a girl to get another girl flowers. R said that just to see what my reaction, fully knowing that flowers is one of my weaknesses. I love them, I love recieving them and my room has a whole wall dedicated to roses.

I told R in a whiny voice, "Nooo, it's not weird. You argue about the fact that a heterosexual relationship is just as equal as our lesbian relationship. What's so weird about getting girls flowers?"

And R let out an exasperated sigh in surrender and said. "O-K. I'll get you some flowers next time."

To my delight, I got fresh flowers delivered to my door Saturday morning. It seems she was just setting me up for it. When I pointed out our Friday night conversation she giggled and said. "I'm good huh?"

She's such a darling! The flowers were truly a wonderful gesture. I'm not sure why her decision to make all the flowers white, but still the combination makes it a most delicate gift.

Through the whole day I left it on the coffee table here. Might I add that my other two roomies were gone for the weekend so it was just me and my girl in the apartment. Although the roomies left Friday evening and are coming back Sunday morning. I'm expecting them home anytime soon.

The rest of the Saturday I spent 'trying' to study. You can guess at my success. We went out to eat twice! Both times the kitchen forgot our food. The morning brunch's restaurant excuse was that the slip of paper fell behind the grill. The dinner's excuse was somehow our order got mixed up. Me and R didn't mind so much though, so no complaints from us. We're actually very good customers really!

Good Enough
hey your glass is empty. it's a hell of a long way home, why don't you let me take you, it's no good to go alone. i never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me, after all the bullsh-t i've heard it's refreshing not to see. i don't have to pretend, she doesn't expect it from me. so don't tell me i haven't been good to you, dont' tell me i haven't been there for you. just tell me why nothing is good enough. hey little girl would you like some candy, your momma said that it's okay, the door is open come on outside, no i can't come out today. it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder and threw you to the ground. who's there that makes you so afraid you're shaken to the bone. you know i don't understand, you deserve so much more than this. so don't tell me why he's never been good to you. don't tell me why, he's never been there for you, and i'll tell you that why is simply not good enough. so just let me try and i will be good to you. just let me try and i will be there for you, i'll show you why you're so much more than good enough.

by Sarah McLachlan

Studies and more...

2005-10-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

It's like one exam after another these days. I've been filling my head with all the good educational things in order to pass my exams...Ace it all! And of course working. I'm hoping for a good paycheck upcoming weeks. I can't believe that it has been almost 8 weeks into the semester and FINALS will be here upclose and personal.

R and I, we're doing quite well. I'm finding myself getting attached to her more and more as each day goes by. It feels good to be able to hold her and find myself smiling at thoughts about her throughout the day. I never thought I would be with her, but here we are, making plans for ourselves in the next few years to come and what we're doing in the coming weekend. We're starting to let our friends know, bit by bit, about our relationship together. Like Wednesday night we confessed to one of the other roommate, we'll call her lil' bo peep, telling her, "yeah, me and R are together." Surprisingly, bo peep never knew. Even when I've been sleeping in R's room and hanging out with each other a lot. Bo peep hadn't the slightest idea. How weird.

So of course with all this going on. S doesn't like it one bit. She doesn't talk to me or R as much anymore. Frankly, I think S is being a big baby about all this. Why can't she be happy for the both of us. I love R and R loves me too. I guess that's why a separation for awhile would be good for all of us. I just don't like what R has been telling me. R says that S refers to me as "your girlfriend" S would have the little smirk on her face and makes these snide remarks, almost as if she's insulting me! I'm offended. I realize that all these years, my friendship with S does not prove a thing. I don't mean shit to S. One time another conversation R had had with S.

R says, "S, I don't like how you're going about this at all. It seems as if you're making me choose between me and my girlfriend or you."

S replies, "Now that we're on that topic. I would like to know who you would choose, her or me?"

When I heard this, I felt as if someone had run a knife and just sliced a piece of my heart. I have never made R choose between me and S. Two years ago when I thought R and S had a little something going on, I gave them their space. Sure I did! I chose not to live with them for a year. I went off and did my own thing. I joined a sorority, volunteered a lot and crammed my academic schedule with a lot of study time. I didn't hang out with them. It hurt to much to see them together. But I was never hostile towards either of them, I just stayed away. I never tried to take R away from S, just the way S is doing nowadays. Do you have any idea what S is doing with R?

S goes up to R and puts moves on R! S tries to kiss R, tries to hold her and bring her back like the olden days. It's not fair! R is MY girlfriend now, let me tell you that. hmph! I think it's very sneak and manipulative of S to do what she is doing right now. Even back over the summer when she ruined things while I was away with my family and in the east coast. S put moves onto R. Now, I'm not just blaming S, R did have her faults that lies with the drama back in July. But I feel that S should understand now.

R has clearly told S to stop kissing her. S still expects R to do the things that R had done in the past. R had really spoiled S, a whooole lot.

An interesting job opportunity

2005-10-12T08:57:00.000-04:00

I've always wanted to be a waitress at some upscale restaurant. That way I can rub elbows and mingle among the elite, even if it's just as a server.

I might encounter people who think they're better than God, but where do you go that you dont' encounter that? haha

Bad sisters can't make cake

2005-10-12T02:46:00.000-04:00

...they make a mess instead.

I'm glad my sisters have their friends, cuz I don't know how to be there for them. Honestly. TAlking on the phone and bothering them to tell me what's going on with their lives is not going to help, is it?

I just don't seem to want to be on the phone 24/7!! But with the distance like this, is that the only possible way to show them that I care?

I could do better at this.

Nowadays I'm just so focused on work, school, classes and with my new used and abused girlfriend. haha, j/k. Yeah, I got a lot going on right now but each time I read my sisters xanga reading about their ever-fantastic lives, it makes me wish that I was there a little more often, a little more involved in their lives.

Untitled...

2005-10-07T01:43:00.000-04:00

Lips lock in its sweet embrace
Overtakes us in love and fatigue
Every moment worth honoring
Inexhaustible with each passing breathe

Hearts pounding
Wakes us to the gentle truth
Reality, an affair is never forever
We set ourselves to that responsibility
The forces set into motion

This is about the best everyday
A life shared with each other
courage is challenged
Our love is alive on this world

Self-Control and Kung Pao Chicken

2005-10-05T23:17:00.000-04:00

My monthly Sun magazine came the other day so I've been a happy cat, quite contented in reading my Sun. Thanks to my great sister Vicki who gave me a WHOLE year subscription. I love it! So if you've never read a Sun magazine, you should! Click it!

Well, I read about self-control and it made me think about some things within myself. The fact that I can keep myself so cool-headed when I'm dealing with unreasonable people is a matter of self-control. So from now on, when I am justifying to myself why I can't be more outspoken or loudmouth against someone who is insulting me it won't be a matter of 'taking their shit' but rather not finding the need to stoop to their level and find the need to redeem myself. I don't need to be unreasonable and thoughtless like that. Also, what the dalai lama would encourage us to do. There's always a lesson to be learned from every struggle.

Although there have been times when I lost my self-control and took it out on my sisters. They really do take the brunt of it all, which I'm feeling horrible about. I really am sorry. Physical abuse is certainly not the way to deal with sisters.

I know i know. Kung Pao chicken has nothing to do with Self control. But I couldn't resist and I wanted to limit myself to one post a day. I've always wondered how they make kung pao chicken the way it tastes and if it really is a chinese food. yum! My mouth is salivating. So just to remind myself where I can find the recipe for future reference: Kung pao Chicken!

The Best in the World

2005-09-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

The saying goes that there is something special about you or something of the 'best' about everyone that makes them unique. So what makes you unique?

I think I have yet to figure that out. Right now, I can say I can be the best at being in the mediocre. I'm not extreme in a lot of things (one of the things I dislike about myself). Although I wish I was more opinionated. And in conversations, I hate having to use the words, "I don't know." It doesn't make me an assertive individual at all!

Well, the link that I found there if you click on the title of this subject blog, you'll find is a link to an interesting page. I found it when I was looking for the soundtrack the "Me and You and Everyone else We Know" Directed by Miranda July.(?) It sounds like a very interesting movie, where it makes a point that everyone wants to be connected in an ever-isolating world we have today. It's a look at the inner most personal thoughts of some that helps remind us how much alike we all are on the inside. Maybe I'll ask CrazyD to come and watch it with me. He likes independent movies like such. Movie is suppose to come out Oct. 14, Friday night.

Graduation date is near

2005-09-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

In the next 10 months, I will have to be figuring out where I want to take my next step in life. I always had the intent of wanting to freelance. At least that's what I've been telling anyone who has asked. My parents wants me to have a stable job. I want to do some exploring. R wants me to stay here with her on campus for another year. Although I'm not sure if I want to stay here another year. I'm sick of chambana. I feel like I'm done with this small town. I want to go to a new city, meet some new friends, run through some new fun experiences.

It's funny how the problem with money and the need to develop a career holds me back. I don't know who or where I got that notion from: the need to make a career for myself. It's like if I don't plan, I'm not going to be successful and will be a failure. I don't believe that but there is still something that holds me back. That makes me feel like a failure. I don't want to be an entrepreneur, I don't want to be a great scientist or a great anything. I just want to be someone who helps make this world a better place. Someone like a social worker (something my parents would definitely not approve), I don't need to make a lot of money damnit! Why does this society teach us to be so money and consumer driven? It pssts me off to find people so materialistic. Why do collectibles? Why the need to have expensive cars on the driveway? There's hungry kids out there! Kids that need your love and a warm home and bed to sleep in.

Maybe that's what I want to do. Any books or articles that I have read in the past, what touches me most is when kids talk about the lack of love in their life growing up. It's a sad thought and no kids should have to go through that. I want to help kids who come from troubled homes. Let's face it, not everyone is fit to be parents and some kids just have the luck to be born into a broken home, broken life. I can help ease their transition into this world a little more.

I wonder if it's too late for me to go into social work or something of that sort. There's so many child abuse cases I could help with a little.

As your stomach falls down the neverending hole

2005-09-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

she likes to call us 'lovers'

We haven't really talked about our 'relationship' yet.

Honestly, i dont want to talk about it w/ her. Whatever that is happening. Not everything has to be put into words. It makes this whole affair more magical that way. There's no one to classify who we are or no line of spectrum to place us. We need no future to focus ourselves towards. It's a presence in our lives that cannot be explained anymore but that I love the girl. Sleeping next to her, feeling her breathe and watching her graceful eyes flutter open from time to time. Her warmth is like oxygen to my body. I fucking can't remember if i've loved anyone as much as I love this girl. At the same time that the pain that comes in the future is inevitable, i can't help but fall for her.

Perfectionist

2005-09-21T04:14:00.000-04:00

My apologies for not updating as regularly.

My upcoming exams are not helping with the stress!!

Life for Rent

2005-09-17T19:10:00.000-04:00

"Life For Rent"

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
------------------------------------------

I have let her tasted me. We have definitely crossed soo many lines and boundaries of our friendship. She has hurt me before, a lot of times. Times when I felt empty inside and she was the cause of it, she wasn't there to help take care of my wound. I remember my pain more than what I'm feeling now.

My pain of the past, she wasn't there. Why is she here now when the good times are rolling. It makes me want to hate her even more.

I have never let anyone get that far with me and she's been there and back and there again.

ok.... I'm not going to decipher all this and make everything mean something. Cuz that's it exactly, not everything is meant to mean something.

Not everything is something.

What relationship?

2005-09-16T08:02:00.000-04:00

It's been a crazy couple of days. I've been engaging myself in a past affair. Me and R. I don't know where this is going, we don't talk about it. We have a lot of sexual contact, telling each other how much we love each other.

We can see S is getting upset. It's deja vu all over again. She hates to see me and R getting along so well and kissing, sleeping on each other's beds and interacting like we do. S hides herself in the architecture building a lot, coming out to eat and drink at certain times.

It annoys me to see her upset.

I really do blame her that my relationship with R had gone downhill back in May. She gotta be a damn baby through all this. Her friendship don't mean jack to me whenever I look at her, hear her, I want to smack her. Smack some sense into her.

S couldn't stand letting R love another girl. S only wanted me and R to be friends. Can't she see all the chemistry going on? R tells me, "don't blame S. We're not together because I don't love you enough"

Really? I think that to myself. So now what's happening? Why do you kiss me and hug me like that? Why do you tell me you love me? Do you just mean it like a friend loves a friend?

I feel like a fuckin' piece of meat. It feels shitty.

I'm just ranting/venting.

And i'm a little stressed. It's 7 am right now and I slept for a good 2 hours. I signed myself up for work tonight, that means by day won't end until 8 pm this evening. I still need to study for two upcoming exams next week. Stress... that's it.

I'm doing some major roommate bashing, it's all that rain that's been coming in.

I Kissed You Tonight

2005-09-11T04:19:00.000-04:00

I kissed you tonight
you made me feel the sexiest of the all
and then you fell from my light
when you insisted it is bad to draw
two girls at once,

by the kisses you keep two aside
I asked you what lie you're living
Would you rather live the truth

you chose the lie
you kissed me again
I kissed you back
I live in your lie

you play my heart into two
the pain you put me through
when i realize how
you fool us three

but i cannot undo
this love i bring myself low

-katkathy

I find her to be so selfish. Her actions and words to be only in her self-interest. I feel as if she keeps me and S by her side because she wants the best of both worlds. She wants to keep the three of us as friends, that as well as the "friends w/ benefits" thing. It's sickening, how I let her play me into her hands. At the same time I realize this, I'm too dumb to not do anything about it. I am stronger than this. I can do this. I can let her go. But the problem really is, do I really want to let her go? And truth is, no, not really. It makes me feel bad that I can't do it. I need her companionship, I need her friendship, and I love our kisses. This relationship seems to still hold value, at the same time it hurts me to know that everynight she kisses me, she does the same to the other girl as well. She kisses the both of us!! Funny thing is, we're in rooms right next to each other!! Life is ironic. This is one of the most ironic I find myself in. If I were an outsider looking into this situation...I'd feel mad. I would tell myself, "hey you! get out! you're dragging yourself down, you're fooling yourself. Idiot!!"

It's just not that easy. I can say it so many times and I still won't budge. I'm a stubborn freak like that.

Language Block

2005-09-10T17:05:00.000-04:00

I feel as if there's this area of my brain that is doing all the thinking and conversing but it never releases itself. When I will it to release the conversation out of my mouth, it hits a brick wall. Nothing comes out of the mouth except stutters and half sentences.

It's a sickening feeling.

It's embarrasing.

I have a hard time communicating to my peers, although it use to be worse before. Now I'm finding it to be an ever-increasing challenge to speak to my parents. I don't ever feel as if what I am saying is enough to what I want to say. It's never enough. Ever get that frustrated feeling that you want to let out but it won't come out. I feel it all the time whenever I speak to my parents. It gets worse everytime! The distance that we live apart from each other doesn't help either! It's tough to try and communicate through the phone without facial expressions and hand gestures. I feel like a dry, dead cardboard when I'm conversing with the rents.

So yesterday, after 1.5 week I was finally able to talk on the phone with my parents. I wanted to cry, my emotions were rushing through me, like a sense of urgency to show how much I miss them and how much I wanted to be there with them. Everything ran into that brick wall. I sat there, even more at loss for words, dumbfounded and stricken with the fact that I sound so emotionless to my parents. I love my mom and dad more than anything else in the world and for me to be miles apart feeling as if I can't do a thing makes me feel worthless! I hope they don't think that I don't love them, but I think they're feeling like that. It's sad, it's so sad. I'm sad.

What do you do in a situation like this? ... This language barrier of mines

Cup of Latte

2005-09-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

Today I had my cup of latte. Loved every drop of it! I used a coupon too so it came out to be $2.50 including tip. That's saving me some money, using those coupons. I use to feel bad using them, but they make my wallet happy so when my wallet is happy, i'm happy!

If i could have it my way, I would want a neverending amount of latte. Of course I might get sick of it soon enough but right now my love for lattes is overpowering. I love the warm feeling I get from a hot cup of latte. The bitterness, the way it feels on my tongue and the taste of it is just oh so lovely.

Won't you try a cup of latte today ^_~. You could buy me one too if you'd like

I hope you've enjoyed your day!

I learned something today, when that latte gets cold, just reheat it up again on the stove. Just for a little bit and keep watch, the milk heats up real fast and you don't want the proteins to coagulate out of the mixture. So just make it warm enough and there you have it, warm latte once again! hehehe

I Wish You Would

2005-09-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Come unto my embrace
just so I could keep you,
Hold you forever in my arms
It just feels so soft and comforting
to hold all your tenderness so sweet

Why don't you just spend one
night with me, and maybe then
you'll see, my love was meant for you only

Why do you tear my heart the way you do
sometimes I just want to be free of your gaze
or maybe me and you could fly away
with no more distractions and complications
I don't know how I could love you anymore

you're taking my love for granted
because I truly believe no one could love you as I could
I don't want to hear your reasons why you
can't accept my love

I thought you loved me, I really thought so
You hurt me though
I wish you would
Just let me go

-KatKathy

Swish!!

2005-09-07T08:08:00.000-04:00

The track finally updated their webpage so now I know the open track times. I've been missing out on running and jogging regularly, I don't like that. I need to feel the sweat and I feel as if I'm getting fat! Thus today, after classes, I might swing by the track and try a couple of laps, hopefully I'm still in shape! yippee. Gosh, but circle IS a shape, I insist!

Vroom Vroom!!

2005-09-06T23:49:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy weekend! A labor day weekend!! I worked Sat night and Monday evening. They were only about 9-10 hours altogether but even then I feel as if my days are gone.

Friday night, I hung out with my roommates and some other friends, we went out to a hookah bar. Very fun. It was amusing, the aroma stuff you suck into your lungs. God knows what it really does to the body, but it was a good time to mingle with friends and enjoy the evening away. Later on, we played some drinking games. The only thing I drank a lot of was water. I really wasn't in the mood to drink.

So where'd the days go? I find myself on the verge of a Wednesday morning, feeling kind of sleepy and still have tons of reading I must get through. Uh-oh!

Word Harrassments

2005-09-02T03:28:00.000-04:00

Okay, so they're words and the volume in carrying a voice at another human being.

I accused R of using so many pots and leaving them on the stove w/out washing them and putting them away. She hates it that I always accuse her of things she didn't do. I'm sure it annoys her. Today when I accused her of the pots, she raised her voice and said, "NO I DIDN'T!" and I insisted she did, those pots were hers. She yells again, "NO I DIDN'T!!" She murmurs in a pssy voice to S, I'm guessing something along the lines of why I always accuse her of doing things she didn't do.

My reactions: I got psst that she raised her voice. I didn't say anything about it to her though. I wanted to scream back, "Why are you screaming at me?"

It's disgusting, her little habits that she gets into around the apartment. I can't stand how she leaves her plates, cups and bowls on the living room table after she finishes eating. I hate how she lets her bloodstained underwear soaking in water for weeks at a time in the bathroom. She had leftover pizza in the oven for 2 days!! She lets food mold in the fridge. She bosses people around. She's a bossyhead. She wants people to do favors for her but when it comes down to her doing favors for somebody else, it's a tough task. I find her to be selfish and most inconsiderate. Her aspirations to become a doctor, I am most critical of--but only in my head. I find that in a doctors' kind of profession, you need to be aware and more considerate, have compassion even if it's only minor details as to how you're hurting another persons feelings.

R professes that I am one of her best friends, yet I feel as if she treats me no less than shit. When I am going through some tough and stressful times, she makes jokes out of it and laughs. She doesn't extend any sympathy. She asks for hugs from me when she is going through stress. But when I am going through stress and I need a hug, I don't feel any love from her. It's exasperating, I'm almost at my wits end.

At this moment, I'm not so fond of life right now. I don't want to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with it. More like there is no one "right" way to deal with anything, but my dilemna is I don't even know where to begin. The way I do it, I play things as if they don't bother me much. But inside, I harbor so many mixed emotions and I just need someone to comfort me. I don't want anyone to laugh at me. I need someone to love me and try to understand what's going through me. I need someone to be my friend, who will extend his/her hand and take me to new joys and discover new beginnings. I need a friend right now.

I said earlier that I feel disconnected from my family. That goes with myself right now. I just don't know how to handle myself anymore. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes, I just don't want to care anymore. I feel like things are only going to get tougher and more complicated as I move to the future. It doesn't look bright for me.

Teddy

2005-09-01T15:46:00.000-04:00

I only get to see her for a couple of days a year, but when I spent my time with the little thing, I've always enjoyed myself. I miss that dog. I love her so much. My younger sister Kimmy loves the dog to bits and pieces. She said that before the family left, the dog was crying. The dog knew something terrible was going to happen.

I hate this. They have to go through so much. It's been about two years now that they've moved down to Louisiana. They've been through so much shit. So much fucking shit with the aunt, the store and now the natural disaster.

It's such a relief to know that they made it outta there all in one piece. My family is safe and staying with my grandmother right now. Thank the higher spirits, but I have to ask them why they let my family go through all this? What kind of test is all this? Maybe it isn't so good that I'm so far away from them. Before, it use to be the very thing I wanted. I hated the control that my parents had on me.

What do I do? How do I be more of a family that cares but still do the very thing I enjoy? I enjoy my independence, but I also want them to know that I would do lots of things for them. I love them so much. I feel disconnected now.

I hate being up here while they're down there.

Everything is so depressing

2005-08-31T20:06:00.000-04:00

I'm still having trouble trying to get in contact with my family. I still have yet to hear from them. Haven't heard from them for the past two days. What luck. It pssts me off that my sister updates her xanga, yet sends no email to tell me they're alright. What the fucking fuck? They could give me a little ease of mind. It's not easy to be up here in bright sunny weather and have them down there with such inconveniences.

They had to drive in a broken AC, overcrowded van for about 16 hours. That's horrible! One night that I managed to get ahold of them, it was midnight and they were tired and sleeping. Fucking sis was too sleepy to talk. sheez, can she tell me that she's ok. ok, so maybe i'm overreacting and being a big baby about all this. But I'm up here feeling helpless, my supposedly best friend isn't helping in the least. She acts as if it's no big deal. Maybe it's my attitude that is giving off the "it's no big deal" demeanor. But hell, a little hug would be nice.

I'm just feeling a little lonely these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying my classes and my job. Where does all my time go? I still try to make time to do the thing I love to do and that's to come and surf through my fav links. But I kinda miss the hugs and kisses and the compassionate feelings from somebody. Am I that hard to get along? Why do I send off signals that seem to say "get away from me"? It frustrates me to no end that people that I love just don't get what I want from them.

I need some phone calls and some messages of love.

I need some hugs, maybe even a little sympathy or assurance from my friends.

I've found that the area that my family resides in is one of the worse struck places. It's hard to believe that there might not be anything there when we get back. Everything has been water damaged. The whole house submerged up to rooftops. One of my most cherished--my baby pics, I believe to be all gone now.

Well, i hope my family is holding up well. I know this whole situation is going to put a lot of stress on my parents. I love them so much, I hope they know that. I hope they know that I am thinking of them and silently sending them telepathy messages that everything is going to be okay. They're in good hands. They're safe. What we lost were just material things. It's a blessing in disguise is what I am telling them. It would be 2 months before my sisters can get back into the swing of school and classes again.

It's so depressing. Everytime I flip on the news or look through google about my hometown and what's going on with the hurricane. I see so much disaster and stories of people going to get saved, people left stranded with no food or water. Death toll to be estimated among in the thousands. My god, it's freaking depressing.

Dilly of the Pickle

2005-08-31T00:20:00.000-04:00

News reports that houses are under 20 feet of water. Houses and business buildings destroyed and some left untouched.

I wonder where my little pup is swimming. My family is headed for my hometown where I was born.

Jeez, natural disasters and my family stuck in the middle of it all. My baby pictures are probably destroyed. That I don't think I can ever get back. I wonder how bad it looks down there. It's hard to think about.

I just hope that by some miracle, some good will in fact come out of this ordeal.

Maybe I'm not expressing enough guilt or sadness. I just know that no matter how sad or how many negative thoughts I have, it's not going to make anything better. So for now, I'm just taking in the now and worry about the things that are here with me. That's my coping mechanism for now. I miss my family.

Shaking

2005-08-29T17:00:00.000-04:00

My fingers are shaking as I write this. I'm worried about my family. It's so hard to reach them on the cell phone. They need to call me.

Winds as high as 145 mph ripped into New Orleans. Luckily that wasn't the worst that the storm could've dealt. Hurricane Katrina went down to a category 4 last night and when it plowed onto land became a category 2 hurricane.

So for sure my house got hit. I'm worried about my puppy. I think she's gone now. I think my puppy is swimming somewhere... I want to cry now.

Fears and Worries

2005-08-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

My family is currently evacuating from the shores of Louisiana in an attempt for higher safer grounds. They're now heading for Baton Rouge. I'm worried for them. I feel like crying and my stomach is flooded with worries. So much hatred for my aunt. She was the cause of my family moving south. This is the second year my family is in Louisiana, and this is the second time they are fleeing from a hurricane. Hurricane Katrina is now a Category 5, the highest on the scale that they have to rate hurricanes. The hurricane is headed straight for New Orleans.

I got worried sick trying to get a hold of family this morning. I couldn't reach them, cell phones weren't helping. I finally got through half hour later. They're safe for now. Thank you. Thank you so much. My parents had to go pick up my sister at her college dorm about an hour away.

I just hope they will be safe.

I'm worried about my puppy back home.

I miss her

2005-08-25T16:41:00.000-04:00

Just be in love and I'll kiss you like you've always wanted
Just close your eyes, I'll still live as if I'm dying

If I don't make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don't make you feel anything than it's me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes and I'll kiss you like there's no tomorrow

If I don't make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don't make you feel anything then it's me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now, so deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close to the fourwall headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

--unknown

Getting into the rush of things again

2005-08-25T15:09:00.000-04:00

I worked for an hour today. Then I went to get my chem minor papers signed. I don't have class until 7 pm tonight. It's a 2 hour course. Not too bad. My first day of classes was yesterday. My day started at 11 am and ends at 3:15. I enjoyed it immensely.

My rhetoric professor delivered a great speech on what going to study at a university should be all about. Well, you and I know that people go to college for many different reasons but particularly to get a good education, to increase our literacy and learn the different views that's out on this world. He mentioned something about to come to college to 'self-generate' a sense of self and we invent ourselves. I thought it was a great speech. I definitely agree with him, I realize that now. This would be my 4th year at the university and I already feel old. I'm gonna take this year nice and slow. Definitely have to have fun and do great. I want straight A's, certainly learn a lot of great new things. That's what I want. The beginning of school year is always a time of anticipation and exhiliration of everything new.

I have also realized that reading and writing blogs has given me a sense of accomplishment. It's a good feeling. I feel more intelligent and connected with myself and the rest of the world. Of course, I still have no idea how to deal with the html stuff, but the skills and what I know thus far has served its usages. If ever I have a need to learn more html, I will do so.

A rush of posts to the blog

2005-08-23T21:09:00.000-04:00

damn!!!!!!! what the FUCK?

there's a whole bunch of traffic to my blog with people advertising. in the last ten minutes there's been about an increase of 20 counts of my blog-hits and someone/something leaving behind advertisements. those are automated right?

I don't know what the heck is going on but it is freaking annoying me.

STOOOOOOP the traffic!!!!!!!!! *HOLDS UP A STOP SIGN IN BEWILDERMENT*

Sub ---Art

2005-08-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

this site features some pics and art exhibits that are in subway and transportation stations around the world. it's a great site to checkout. the art is really pretty!

One Pink Eye

2005-08-23T19:59:00.000-04:00

Every year I get a pink eye. Seems like that time of the year again. jeez. It's infected, it's all red and tearing up. Luckily I have some drops for the eye. ^_^ That pleases me. I'll just pray also that my body will assemble my immune system up and be ready to fight these germs and bacteria.

I was talking to my sister this morning. She said that I sounded content. I think I am. I love being content with my life. ^_^ I like this. I could go on like this for a good amount of time. ^_^ hmm.

Despite Pessimism

2005-08-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

Today I had a very pessimistic conversation with my good friend R. All about my contemplation with suicide. She was right however, I wouldn't voluntary take my own life. Although I won't say never.

I don't remember how we got into the conversation. But she asked me a good question "Is there anything on this world that would hold me back from taking my own life?"

I thought about it long and hard.

And said, "No, not really. There's nothing here on this earth that I'm dying to try to achieve, experience, or attain."

I don't need a big house, fancy car or all the money I can get, you can't take it with you after death anyway.

I really don't think so. Ever hear that saying, "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Well that was my justification. Although in a more pessimistic way. The way I see it is that, the more you understand, the more you DON'T know. There's no point to it. It's easier to just lay among the dirt of this earth and call that the natural beauty of life.

Only thing holding me back right now is my consideration for the love that my family and friends have for me. Yeah, I know that if I take my own life. My 3 younger sisters would be disappointed, my parents would be hurt and my friend R would be hurt as well. I know they love me, they love me more than I deserve to be loved.

On the bright side of things, I feel as if I have found peace in myself. I was given a good life, it isn't in my right to ask for more either. I was born into the best family the world can offer me, given the best and comfortable life I was given. Have enjoyed some of my best life's moments thus far, I really couldn't expect more. I'm at ease with it all. If God were to ask me if I wanted to move myself aside and let someone who has never experienced what I have experienced, I would do so immediately. Let them take my spot. I feel like my life has been an overjoy.

Yes, we can all point out there there are plenty of things I still haven't seen or done. Differences that I still have yet to make. But I don't see a point in it at all. No matter how much I do, there will be so much more to do. We all die anyway. There is a possibility that death is only the beginning, and I won't hold it against anybody if in fact it was my time to leave.

Frankly though, with all the argument and contemplating with R, it just makes me feel like this life ain't all it's cracked up to be. Fuck it. I want to leave it all behind already.

It'd be selfish and mean for me to leave it all behind, but it's only an occurence that will hit the ones I love for a small period of time and life will continue on. It always does.

Clever Writing

2005-08-20T02:58:00.000-04:00

If you've never visited Gapers Block, then I suggest you do. It's a web publication and lots of fun stuff to read.

The point of this post, however, isn't just with Gapers block. I just wanted to share with you my love of clever writing....Everywhere! I do love the english language. The writing and speaking of it. Ways in which a person may express themselves, it is in itself an art form. Of course there are the poems, the song lyrics, essays and compositions. Those are only the tip of the iceberg! There's so much to the english language, and I am always appalled at how a person uses the english language to express themselves. It's simply marvelous!

I can pick up a book or article and read it and be entranced in a person's writing. There are so many creative ways to write and many more to clearly express feelings, emotions and ideas across in words. Words and says can be used to hurt, to love, to feel, to express, to generate and facilitate activities. Indeed, I marvel at the prospect of how smoothly language makes our everyday lives so much more enjoyable!

One of my life's aspirations is to be a better writer. Practice makes perfect, hence my everday updates with writing in this blog. There are tons of great writers out there and I feel that if I don't try and perfect myself at it, I will quickly fall behind and will feel incompetent and will resent myself for it. It's not an easy task though. I don't know why it is that I find it hard to find words to clearly express my feelings and thoughts. Perhaps it's because everything I write in this blog are first drafts. That I would need to read over these first drafts and correct them and reread them again and using my ever-resourceful thesaurus. But, I wonder if I am missing something?! I feel as if I can never fully wrap up my topics and adequately explain what I first wanted to post about.

Is writing also a challenge for the thousands of blog writers out there? If you happen to be one of them, please post a comment and write to me. Share some suggestions at how I can be better at this. It would be so great!

Anyways, I am working on it. Hopefully, years from now, I can look at the writings I do nowadays and see that I have improved from elementary to something like professional writing. That's an ambition.

Gained Weight

2005-08-19T00:53:00.000-04:00

Not good, Not good!!! I gained weight!! Oh my freaking!!! Why do I gain weight at the slightest daydream of a donut?

Maybe I shouldn't be mad at how efficient my body is tucking away the calories I am consuming. I should be mad at the lifestyle I have undertaken ever since I've gotten back to my apartment. Basically, it's been eat, sleep, surf the web. And when I say eat, I've been indulging in practically e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Telling myself that it's ok.

On the other side of the argument, I have been working out. I'm telling myself that muscles weighs more than fat.

Nice attempt at fooling myself eh?

This sux.

I feel fat.

ugh

thoughts of the future

2005-08-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking of my future again.

There are so many possibilities.

Many good things that I can do.

One in particular that I've been looking at the website of for the past hours. Institute for International Cooperation and Development

wow, the amount of help that I could do with this program is so inspirational to my sense of being.

I'm having doubts about what skills I can offer them. I don't know if there is anything special about me! Gosh, this isn't the time to be doubting myself eh? Ok, so I just the motivation that I want to help and be a part of them. That's what I want to do. I want to speak to an actual person who has volunteered with the program. To get a better picture of everything. It sounds so wonderful!

I know my parents would be so disappointed in me when I tell them I want to do this. Especially so close to graduation. I know what they want me to do. They want me to find a job that makes good money so that I can support myself. That kind of life sounds too easy! There's no sense of adventure and challenge. Besides, following that kind of life makes me feel as if I'm wrapped up in my own head.

I know there are jobs and things I can do that I could easily support myself.

In my future, I know that I don't need a lot of money, I don't need a big house, I don't need a gallant life. That doesn't mean anything to me. I want to help those who are underpriveliged. That's what I want to do.

I want to see the third world countries with my own eyes. I don't want to give them pity with my eyes, but the help that I can give. Developing programs and opportunities for those kids. I can do it. I just need the training. Lo and behold, the program takes care of that. They do training and after that, everything else is learned first-hand. Can you imagine all that I will pick up? The experiences? The joy. gosh, it's mind-blowing.

Blah Days

2005-08-16T20:59:00.000-04:00

I go to a work orientation this upcoming Saturday.

The past few days have been 'blah' days for me. I don't really have anything rolling for me except for when classes starts.

I've been staying up late with R. Yeah. Both of us have been majorly flirting with each other. Hugging, cuddling, kissing each other's necks and cheeks. Just not the lips.

hmm, I really can't say what's really happening between us.

Sunday night we agreed that we don't want to revisit the past. I remember thinking, yeah, the past still holds a lot of pain and resentment for me. I don't want to do it all over again. It's awful memory. It still hurts.

So what is it then?

Nothing really. I don't really want to define our relationship. I like things the way they are. With lots of flirting and no defined relationship other than we're both really great friends. That's how I like to see it now.

Today I Wondered...

2005-08-14T14:31:00.000-04:00

Last night I bit R. It was just a playful bite. Then she comes and made the comment, "You know that turns me on."

I didn't say anything. Just pretended that I didn't hear her.

So R looked at me. And said, "What?"

"Nothing."

"What are you thinking?" She asks.

"Nothing!"

I thought about it a little. Then I said, "I know who got you into that."

I got upset that little incident and left the room. Went into my room and surfed the web a little. S was the person who use to bite R.

Last night, I realize that I hate the past. I hate what S and R had in the past. I get wired up and upset that R liked S for so long and they both built a relationship that cannot be taken back. Secretly, I wish it were me instead of S. I can feel the blood rushing to my head when I think about S. Everyone that knows the three of us would agree that S is a real nice and sweet gal.

"It's just a front." I would think to myself.

I just can't get over the fact that I can't get over what has happened in the past. I 'm still coming to terms with it after so much time. Well, it's been about 2 months now since my relationship with R. Why everytime I think of S, I get this tight knot in my stomach and I feel my piss-y side coming out of me. I can't stand hearing her name, i can't stand hearing her voice, or anything about me. I hate what she as done to my life, i hate what had happened in the past. How she was strongly part of it, yet never there. Funny that in a situation like this, it should be R that I am mad at. But nope, things are good between me and R these days. But not S.

I figured that after this year. After I graduate and all, I'll be done with all this drama. I'll move back to Chicago and live my life where ever it decides to take me.

I've decided that I won't talk to S and R as often anymore. I don't like being friends with them simply because they disappoint me time after time.

How Do I Love Myself

2005-08-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

I was recently asked by a friend off a messageboard how do I love myself under such contexts and thought I definitely have to share this with my blog. Under such topics, what are some of the ways that I express love for myself. I learned and realized a little bit more about myself as I wrote all this out. It actually made me feel really proud to know that I love pampering myself.

a) After a Heartbreak- I do a lot of writing. Settle my thoughts out and reason with myself. Getting in touch with myself again.

b) In my home environment, I like to surround myself with all things I consider beautiful and all things that helps me express myself. On the walls of my room, right now I have a lot of pictures of flowers and roses.

c) My values; I realize them by writing a lot, listening to music, and exercising. When I get to work out, I feel like I'm pampering myself and giving myself love in taking care of my health. I get to think a lot about my values and why I do the things I do when I work out. That's the kind of thinking I do when I'm running. hehe

d) Grooming - refreshing smells. I like to be clean and I love my hair. I love showers with a good scrub and a floral smelling soap, tasty citrus toothpaste, lotions. Perfume, makeup...Makes me smile and love myself all the more when I get to do all ths for me.

e)Food - I eat good things that would nurture my body. Days when I want to indulge, I'll eat to make my conscious happy. I'm lucky enough to be able to eat what I want...and exercising helps balance things out a little too ^_~. I like to know that I'm taking good care of my body.

f)Friends. I like to surround myself with good-hearted, genuine people. I like to learn about them, converse with them, play games and spend time on the phone with. It makes me feel good that I have good friends to be with. That's loving myself.

g) Family - I like to tell them that I love them. It gives me a warm feeling, and from the bottom of my heart I really do. Even though there are times when I can't stand them. They're still family. ^_^. I love getting phone calls from my sisters or mom and dad.

h) Thoughts - I cherish them. I write them down. I love myself for them.

of course, on the negative side. Things don't always work out. There are many times when I am too harsh on myself and don't give me the time of the day. Like my shyness. Yes, when I'm in a big social setting, I can be quite shy. I would beat myself up for it. And then I realize and still realizing that we can progress when we are hard upon ourselves. With all the negativity, that's all I'll be thinking about. If I give myself the positive thoughts and work from there, perhaps there would be more progress.

My Sister, Vicki

2005-08-10T13:10:00.000-04:00

Sisters, you do gotta love them from the deepest, most bottom of your heart, that with all the love you can give it seems to fill your heart with warmth and tender loving. My sister Vicki, sent me bannana bread. She is a baker and when i went to go see family back in May she made some amazing bread. Ones' that can keep in the freezer and once you pop them in the toaster, yum comes out of the toaster.

I remember the younger days when I use to beg my sister Vicki for some of her food. I would finish mines really fast and my sister the one who likes to eat something slowly and savor them while I gobbled up mines. Yes, I would beg and beg to have some of hers. And she did actually give some to me. You think as kids you'll forget that stuff but no, I wouldn't forget her kindness.

She baked for me. I just love her.

She's starting college this fall. She just got braces last week. Called me up crying. Saying that she has no pretty features about her. She was feeling really sad, down and depressed about her looks. She has nothing to cry about though I tell her. Yeah, braces can be awful but they are permanent. They will be taken out in two years time and her teeth will be beautiful. She has a beautiful heart. She's wonderful company. Always lovely with her sense of humor and with admirable qualities. There are few good people on this world and my sister Vicki is one of them. I love her to death. I would do anything for her.

Internet Access

2005-08-09T02:11:00.000-04:00

I have finally gotten my internet back! yes! There was a little blackout on Sunday morning and since that day my lil modem wasn't receiving any signal. But I am glad to say that I finally have it back now...yay!

I can't say anything significant has happened...

Relations between me and R have been going very well since that night I text message her. To tell her that I have let go of most things.

I don't know if it's her playful side or if it's her flirting with me. I don't know it. I'm a bit confused.

But I like the attention.

She finally gave me my birthday present yesterday night. She and a friend went out to pick an earring and a toe ring for me. See lately I've been having a toe ring and my toe nails had a nice manicure on it. My toes look quite dandy and pretty I might say. So with the toe ring, my feet looks fabulous. I think R likes it too because she's been wanting to grab my feet and try on my toe ring, always making comments about my toes or my toe ring ... and that she bought me a toe ring for my toes...hmm, must be a compliment! yay!

She bought me a really nice earring too, they're real pretty. I like them, it makes me feel special, ^_^.

The Everything I said I would

nursing school

It's been a while..

love my g/f even more, part 1

the holidays

whoo, that was a lot of nudity

Bonus Time!

College Classes again

Invest in yourself

A Box with 4 wheels

been working on it

no i don't think so

bullseye!

i wish my life was more

Agonizing

Coming home

In the olden days

Hey miss baldy

Update: Site Feed

Every now and then

down the drain

Perverts

It is nice to celebrate

The little black book

There I go Again

through the woods and all those mountains

Anonymity and Blogs

Some pictures cuz I like em...

My systems of support

Oil and Water don't mix

Jump on the Bandwagon and Make Hay

I want to fall again...

Voice of the People: Give some credit to Today's college students

Getting Drunk... High... and all that bad stuff for my body

I don't GET it

Break Away

I cried for her

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Feeling the high

I'm so happy, she makes me so happy

The Human Spirit Prevails

Dishearted

What is that smell in the air?

A lot of busy happenings

Hey! Happy 2006!

The roles we play

Jealousy as GREEN as that green apple

Lots of things happening

My Time To Share With You

Exams along the way

Sparkle

I shouldn't be complaining but...

Showers, and Sqeaky Clean Selves

Broke is my middle name

She travels around the world

Where are you going?

There's been drama again

Thumper's birthday

A Matter of Self-Control

I'm starting to feel a little uninspired again

Me and You and Everyone We know

Oh so messy!

Cyclone Pasta

All That Jazz

Studies and more...

An interesting job opportunity

Bad sisters can't make cake

Untitled...

Self-Control and Kung Pao Chicken

The Best in the World

Graduation date is near

As your stomach falls down the neverending hole

Perfectionist

Life for Rent

What relationship?

I Kissed You Tonight

Language Block

Cup of Latte

I Wish You Would

~~Swish!!~~

Swish!!